Why Can't Today Be the Day I'm Doing Better

I got some news a couple of days ago about my ex boyfriend and the fact that he's moved on with somebody new. I've stopped and started, gotten over it then gotten upset about it again. I'm a glutton for punishment because I think I should mourn the relationship again and be hurt about something I've known six months before we broke up:

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

He was over it long before we were over. I tried to put it all back together again. I knew the relationship was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. I was up for a job out of town and he did a lot to help me prepare for the interview. It's possible that he was pushing me out the door. And then that didn't happen. But we were left with a broken relationship. So those six months in between were about me trying in vain to put our relationship back together again with someone who was lying to me - he didn't want us to be back together again. And he was too cowardly to tell me that.

There was the friendship he kept private and away from me. There was the family he kept away from me. There were so many ways he had compartamentalized his life that I tolerated. And I shouldn't have. But I did because I cared. I already mourned this relationship and I moved on by having a successful career. I don't need to mourn him again. He doesn't deserve that.

WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THE DAY I'M DOING BETTER?

I've mourned this already. I've been sad and disappointed. I've seen that he wasn't the right guy for me and he didn't treat me with respect. He always said that we should be respectful of each other and the constant ways he disrespected me are out there.

I would have made a mistake if I hadn't applied to that job in Portland.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept working on my plays.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept an office.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't done things for myself.

I knew it would pay off and it did. But it only paid off for me. And I'm realizing that's the way it was meant to work out. My success wasn't meant for him. I had spent a lot of time supporting him and taking care of him with a pure, true heart. Because that's who I am. I say what I mean and I act out of how I feel. I have no poker face and no real ability to be dishonest. I wasn't perfect in our relationship. But I've copped to it.

So today doesn't need to be another day I'm in mourning. Yesterday was the day my anger got reignited. Yesterday was the day that I was reminded why were aren't together any more. Because I needed the reminder. My nostalgia wasn't allowing me to move on. I was getting stuck back there, only remembering the good times. I needed to be reminded that he could be a shitty boyfriend. He didn't take care of me. He didn't stand up for me. He didn't claim me. And that's why we grew apart. We made it too easy to focus elsewhere. We had an open relationship. I don't think it was a mistake, but I wouldn't do it again.

Yes, there were good things. Yes, I love him still. But he isn't the good guy he wants all to believe. Not that he's all bad either. He's a normal, human being who does shitty things just like the rest of us do.

So today's not going to be the day I mourn him again. Today's going to be the day I'm doing better. Or at least getting on the road to be doing better again.

I am grateful that I know more of the story.
I am grateful that I feel things.
I am grateful that I love myself.
I am grateful that I know who I am.
I am grateful that I live an authentic life and have for a long time.
I am grateful that things that are inauthentic seem to repel off of me.
I am grateful that I get it.