I Get It

When I was trying to figure out how to be friends with The Drummer and I was being given no indication that he wanted that, my Mom kept saying - "He doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It's over for him. He's moved on."

That was all before I found out he had actually moved on with someone else. And had been moved on for awhile. But I took him at his word.

And that was my mistake.

This is a guy whose word can't be trusted. It doesn't mean much. He didn't stand up for me when we were together because he wasn't out to his parents. I never held a place of importance in his life. He hesitated when introducing me to people. I don't know if he truly trusted in the relationship.

The truth is that he didn't trust in relationships. This was long before me. I don't know if it has changed because he is in this new relationship. I'm led to believe that it hasn't changed because I don't think a person makes that big a sea change with no distance in between relationships.

He's a liar. He was untruthful to me about how he felt. He knew for a long time that he didn't want to be in the relationship and he kept that from me. Truth be told, I had my own doubts. But I always had faith we could work it out. I'm still bad at letting things go past their expiration date. I need to be better at that.

I don't need to say any more - "But he's a great guy…" or "As sweet as he is…" In this situation, he was neither great nor sweet. As to whether or not he had started something when we were still together - either physically or emotionally - I can't speak to that because I don't know. I choose to be in denial and trust that he wouldn't do that. I choose to believe him when he tells me that things started afterward.

And here's where my ego gets bruised - how could he move on so quickly? Does it matter? He moved on. He's done.

I get it. It took me awhile. But I get it. He says the things he is supposed to say because he feels guilty for something he either did or thought about doing.

Do I need to be friends with him? I don't know if that's a question I can answer yet. I know in my heart, I would like to be friends. But would that friendship be rooted in nostalgia. Honestly, my life isn't less rich because I'm not friends with the Ex that started this blog. Sometimes I get nostalgic and I want a friendship with him. But it doesn't make me feel empty. That's probably going to be true with The Drummer too. I don't need him in my life to make it richer.

I have a path I'm on. And that path includes a career. It includes Hollywood. It includes the entertainment industry. Not that any of those things give me value or importance. But that's the world I'm in, like it or not. I'm a moody, creative, angsty writer. He was a distant, transient drummer. I don't know if I could ever know him as deeply as I wanted to. I literally wanted to be inside of him. Well…I only did that once. But I think that even figuratively, it was to get inside of him.

With the Drummer, I wore out the A side. But what I wanted was the cool, underappreciated B side. And that's the side I never got to.

I don't know who the next guy is going to be. I don't know when. I don't want it now. But, with everything in life, that's not up to me. I'm not open to it. And maybe I need to be single for a long, long time. My godmother certainly thinks so. She thinks I need to spend years by myself. We'll see how that works.

I told The Drummer that if he wanted a friendship, he would need to reach out to me. Do I think he's going to do that? No.

So having a friendship is really up to him. I'll pick up the phone, always. But I have to force myself to not reach out. I need to do that for myself. Honestly. That's going to be really hard to do.

I am not going to reach out to his friends. They don't need to be my friends. They're not people I had much in common with anyway. And I'm not talking about some people I feel I had a connection with. There are those people. I'm talking about the friends I was friendly to on a periphery level. They're loyal to him, as they should be. That door is closed.

I am grateful that I'm moving on.
I am grateful that I'm getting there.
I am grateful that I'm at peace.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to be comfortable with myself, alone.
I am grateful that today is better than the same day last year.