I Get It

When I was trying to figure out how to be friends with The Drummer and I was being given no indication that he wanted that, my Mom kept saying - "He doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It's over for him. He's moved on."

That was all before I found out he had actually moved on with someone else. And had been moved on for awhile. But I took him at his word.

And that was my mistake.

This is a guy whose word can't be trusted. It doesn't mean much. He didn't stand up for me when we were together because he wasn't out to his parents. I never held a place of importance in his life. He hesitated when introducing me to people. I don't know if he truly trusted in the relationship.

The truth is that he didn't trust in relationships. This was long before me. I don't know if it has changed because he is in this new relationship. I'm led to believe that it hasn't changed because I don't think a person makes that big a sea change with no distance in between relationships.

He's a liar. He was untruthful to me about how he felt. He knew for a long time that he didn't want to be in the relationship and he kept that from me. Truth be told, I had my own doubts. But I always had faith we could work it out. I'm still bad at letting things go past their expiration date. I need to be better at that.

I don't need to say any more - "But he's a great guy…" or "As sweet as he is…" In this situation, he was neither great nor sweet. As to whether or not he had started something when we were still together - either physically or emotionally - I can't speak to that because I don't know. I choose to be in denial and trust that he wouldn't do that. I choose to believe him when he tells me that things started afterward.

And here's where my ego gets bruised - how could he move on so quickly? Does it matter? He moved on. He's done.

I get it. It took me awhile. But I get it. He says the things he is supposed to say because he feels guilty for something he either did or thought about doing.

Do I need to be friends with him? I don't know if that's a question I can answer yet. I know in my heart, I would like to be friends. But would that friendship be rooted in nostalgia. Honestly, my life isn't less rich because I'm not friends with the Ex that started this blog. Sometimes I get nostalgic and I want a friendship with him. But it doesn't make me feel empty. That's probably going to be true with The Drummer too. I don't need him in my life to make it richer.

I have a path I'm on. And that path includes a career. It includes Hollywood. It includes the entertainment industry. Not that any of those things give me value or importance. But that's the world I'm in, like it or not. I'm a moody, creative, angsty writer. He was a distant, transient drummer. I don't know if I could ever know him as deeply as I wanted to. I literally wanted to be inside of him. Well…I only did that once. But I think that even figuratively, it was to get inside of him.

With the Drummer, I wore out the A side. But what I wanted was the cool, underappreciated B side. And that's the side I never got to.

I don't know who the next guy is going to be. I don't know when. I don't want it now. But, with everything in life, that's not up to me. I'm not open to it. And maybe I need to be single for a long, long time. My godmother certainly thinks so. She thinks I need to spend years by myself. We'll see how that works.

I told The Drummer that if he wanted a friendship, he would need to reach out to me. Do I think he's going to do that? No.

So having a friendship is really up to him. I'll pick up the phone, always. But I have to force myself to not reach out. I need to do that for myself. Honestly. That's going to be really hard to do.

I am not going to reach out to his friends. They don't need to be my friends. They're not people I had much in common with anyway. And I'm not talking about some people I feel I had a connection with. There are those people. I'm talking about the friends I was friendly to on a periphery level. They're loyal to him, as they should be. That door is closed.

I am grateful that I'm moving on.
I am grateful that I'm getting there.
I am grateful that I'm at peace.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to be comfortable with myself, alone.
I am grateful that today is better than the same day last year.

Why Can't Today Be the Day I'm Doing Better

I got some news a couple of days ago about my ex boyfriend and the fact that he's moved on with somebody new. I've stopped and started, gotten over it then gotten upset about it again. I'm a glutton for punishment because I think I should mourn the relationship again and be hurt about something I've known six months before we broke up:

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

He was over it long before we were over. I tried to put it all back together again. I knew the relationship was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. I was up for a job out of town and he did a lot to help me prepare for the interview. It's possible that he was pushing me out the door. And then that didn't happen. But we were left with a broken relationship. So those six months in between were about me trying in vain to put our relationship back together again with someone who was lying to me - he didn't want us to be back together again. And he was too cowardly to tell me that.

There was the friendship he kept private and away from me. There was the family he kept away from me. There were so many ways he had compartamentalized his life that I tolerated. And I shouldn't have. But I did because I cared. I already mourned this relationship and I moved on by having a successful career. I don't need to mourn him again. He doesn't deserve that.

WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THE DAY I'M DOING BETTER?

I've mourned this already. I've been sad and disappointed. I've seen that he wasn't the right guy for me and he didn't treat me with respect. He always said that we should be respectful of each other and the constant ways he disrespected me are out there.

I would have made a mistake if I hadn't applied to that job in Portland.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept working on my plays.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept an office.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't done things for myself.

I knew it would pay off and it did. But it only paid off for me. And I'm realizing that's the way it was meant to work out. My success wasn't meant for him. I had spent a lot of time supporting him and taking care of him with a pure, true heart. Because that's who I am. I say what I mean and I act out of how I feel. I have no poker face and no real ability to be dishonest. I wasn't perfect in our relationship. But I've copped to it.

So today doesn't need to be another day I'm in mourning. Yesterday was the day my anger got reignited. Yesterday was the day that I was reminded why were aren't together any more. Because I needed the reminder. My nostalgia wasn't allowing me to move on. I was getting stuck back there, only remembering the good times. I needed to be reminded that he could be a shitty boyfriend. He didn't take care of me. He didn't stand up for me. He didn't claim me. And that's why we grew apart. We made it too easy to focus elsewhere. We had an open relationship. I don't think it was a mistake, but I wouldn't do it again.

Yes, there were good things. Yes, I love him still. But he isn't the good guy he wants all to believe. Not that he's all bad either. He's a normal, human being who does shitty things just like the rest of us do.

So today's not going to be the day I mourn him again. Today's going to be the day I'm doing better. Or at least getting on the road to be doing better again.

I am grateful that I know more of the story.
I am grateful that I feel things.
I am grateful that I love myself.
I am grateful that I know who I am.
I am grateful that I live an authentic life and have for a long time.
I am grateful that things that are inauthentic seem to repel off of me.
I am grateful that I get it.

No Regrets

Today I ripped off a band-aid.
Yesterday, I found out that my ex-boyfriend, The Drummer, had a new boyfriend. A friend tried to "soften the blow" by letting me know. In that aftermath, I decided that I needed to get certain things from the house that I had put off grabbing six months ago. I needed to close a chapter.

Well, I didn't realize just how much of that chapter was unknown to me until today. I arranged to meet him at his place--where I also used to live. He greeted me and he looked great. He had lost some weight. He looked tan and happy. He's doing pilates now and is finally using the yoga mat I had given him five years ago for his birthday--the yoga mat he never used. The place was the cleanest I had ever seen it. I knew he had this new boyfriend and I didn't want to tell him I knew.

We talked about his recent gigs and some videos he was editing. We chatted about what he has been up to work wise. We talked about our break up a bit. There was a lot of chatting until I finally got the nerve to ask him about his boyfriend. But I had a change of heart. Our friend had asked me not to mention that she had told me about the new guy. I originally planned to honor that. But I then decided to honor myself. I didn't want to be dishonest.

I told him I knew and I had thought about lying, but I didn't want to do that. He admitted that he has been seeing someone new. And that this new boyfriend and him have been dating for four months. Whoa. Okay. Four months. Really. All right. I took a breath and was not doing a great job at appearing calm. They met at one of his gigs, not through mutual friends, which I kind of worried about. He's younger than The Drummer. I found out that one of his best friends, who he always said he considered like an older brother, he hasn't seen in months. About the amount of time that he has been seeing this new guy. Interesting. I told him that this friend of his found no reason to be polite to me any more when he saw me at the gym. He seemed surprised by this. I wasn't because I always felt the friend wanted to date The Drummer instead of me. The Drummer never brought us all together to make things less awkward. I had to beg The Drummer to set up a time for us all to meet. There was something either about me or about his life at the time that he had to compartimentalize.

I had to go meet my friend and so I decided that I needed to get the camping equipment I set out to retrieve. And as we were getting that stuff, I asked The Drummer if he took the new boyfriend to Joshua Tree for Memorial Day with all of his friends. He did. All right. Let me take a breath. But he clarified that he and the new boyfriend did not sleep in my father's tent. Small victories.

He helped me take my stuff to the car. I had one last question that I really didn't want to ask. But I had a feeling. I asked him if he was taking the new guy to Wisconsin when he was going to meet his parents. And the answer was: YES. I about lost it. I had to leave. When we were together he wasn't out to his parents, so I never met them in the four and a half years we were together. And this guy swoops in and meets the parents, enjoying the benefit of all the ground work I had laid out. I didn't want to be angry or to lose my composure. But I did. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. It feels like the break up all over again in some ways.

But as he admitted, the relationship was over long before it was over and he was ready to move on. And move on he did. It's going to take me a minute to get past this.

And this is the reason I did not keep up my end of the bargain to keep quiet about knowing about the boyfriend for the friend who told me. She wanted me to have time to process before this party. But I didn't have all the information because she did not have all of the information. So I still would have been blindsided by a bunch of things. I also did not like that she did not approach The Drummer to let him know that she wanted to tell me and to give him the option to tell me himself. The Drummer said that he wishes he had the chance to tell me. But he was also avoiding the conversation. Four months in and I've been calling him and talking to him about stuff--and no mention of it.

Earlier in the conversation, he mentioned that he spent Fourth of July with a friend and his family in a local suburb. I knew that this "friend" was his boyfriend. And through some investigative reporting (i.e. stalking), I found out who this guy is. I had the information about where this guy's office is and what he does for a living. Made it pretty easy.

Now I'm not proud of myself for doing this. It's late at night and it's been on my mind. For the record, he is very cute. And he looks like he's got a good body. The Drummer was always able to get the good lookers. He's a great looker himself. He's the hottest guy I've ever dated seriously. I've slept with plenty of hot dudes. But he's the hottest long term relationship I've had. Why does that matter? I'm shallow.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll make smarter choices and I won't be a total stalker. But tonight, I'm hurt. Here's the silver lining: the Universe reminded me of who my ex is. He's a kind and wonderful guy. But he's not someone I felt took care of me during our relationship. He didn't stand up for me in proudly introducing me to people. I was always introduced with a sense of doubt and anxiety - as if I would do something that would paint him in a negative light. And, as someone who wants to be my friend, I expect him to take care of me as his friend as well. But he didn't do that either. It's over. And I want to close this chapter so that if we're meant to open up the friendship chapter, we can do that.

A few friends reminded me that I helped him out in our relationship to live a truer life by example. And as his friend, I am happy for any part I had in that. But it's over.

I am grateful that the Universe reminded me of the path I needed to be on.
I am grateful that I have some closure.
I am grateful to focus on myself for a bit.
I am grateful that I have work to keep me busy.
I am grateful that I have friends who love me.
I am grateful to The Drummer for teaching me to love more unconditionally and more openly.

What My Month Long Cleanse Taught Me

Five years ago when I went through my previous break up, I went on a cleanse. The purpose of that was to find out what I didn't need in my life and in my body. I became aware that there are things we thoughtlessly allow into our lives when we're not paying attention. Mindless eating becomes mindless friendships, relationships, messages about ourselves, messages about others, jealousy, envy, hatred, etc. I vowed to become more mindful in how I proceed through life. I also wanted to be mindful about what I allowed into my life.

I think it was that first step toward  mindfulness which has lead to my desire for silence which has lead to my stillness and meditation practices. Now that I have just finished another cleanse after another relationship has ended, maybe there are different things to be left with. After that first cleanse, I stopped drinking coffee and haven't touched it since. I've gotten rid of most caffeine as well, although I'll have green tea from time to time and chocolate.

I did not miss alcohol at all. I realize that it's a coping mechanism.  I don't miss cigarettes. I don't miss dairy all that much. I didn't necessarily miss meat until I smelled a roast chicken the other night. It made me want to eat something meaty. But for me, meaty is warm, salty, comforting, chewy. It's not necessarily meat. I need something that has that mouth feel or that savory quality. Vegetables all of the time don't have that. Beans have the warmth, but not the chew. Lentils can get close to that with ground beef. I do love lentils. My soy chorizo gets very close to that in a lot of ways, even though that seems to be somewhat processed.

I also realize that I don't have to be strict. Or that I can be strict, but I don't have to punish myself or feel bad if I slip. I just start back up again or I make up for it in a different way. When I had that grilled cheese on white bread with french fries the night I broke up with The Drummer, I didn't feel good afterward. It didn't feel like a real treat. Sushi felt amazing. It felt good for me. It felt pure. It was fantastic.

I realize that I have certain foods that I like and respond to in the vegan realm. I love a noodle. I love kale. I get into vegan tacos. I do enjoy my oatmeal in the morning as a consistent way to wake up. It feels akin to my meditation. The day starts out the same way every morning. That's very helpful.

So here are the things I realize I like after the cleanse:

• Kale
• Lentils
• Sushi
• Fish
• Red meat and chicken occasionally
• Certain types of dairy

Here are the things that I could do with less of:

• Cheese
• Dairy
• Red meat and chicken
• White potatoes, white bread, white sugar

I would love to cut out sugar completely from my diet. It's an energy thing much like the caffeine. I would love to know what it's like to cut out sugar from my diet. My dried cranberries have a little bit of sugar. That seems ambitious, but so did caffeine at one point.

I did not feel crazy at any point during the cleanse. Meaning, I didn't go through withdrawals. I didn't start craving tons of salt or sugar. During that first cleanse, I really started craving sugar in a mad way. I think that means that I've done a good job in these five years to be more mindful of what I eat. I cut out a lot of processed food. I cut out soda a lot, although I did go back to it a bit in the last few months of my relationship. I realize now that I was craving comfort and I was rewarding myself with root beer. Root beer is a great cheat for me. I love it so. But maybe I will choose craft root beer. It's much richer and it feels more decadent. 

I'm not going to deprive myself of anything. But again, there are things I know I can do without. This cleanse really is helping me deal with how I take care of myself. My instinct when I knew things were going south with the relationship was to go for a vegan and alcohol cleanse. Just like when I would go out of town and my instinct would be to go running every day and to live the healthy lifestyle I wasn't living at home. I love that my instinct is towards self care and not towards self-destruction. I started smoking again after the last break up. I have not had a cigarette this time around. It was a healthier relationship, so maybe I didn't need to. But it was also something the Drummer and I would do occasionally. And it was a habit he used to have that he started up again. That was his self-destructive nature coming out.

My cleanse has taught me so much about what I want. The saying, "You are what you eat" has never been truer for me. I am what I allow in. Everything I allow is a reflection of who I am as a person.

As I venture into non-vegan, non-sober territory this month, I have a lot to think about. I'm not putting the pressure on myself to be vegan or sober during my birthday month. But I don't want to go back to bad habits, either. My body feels so much better as it processes out most of the things it takes in. It just takes what it needs and it gets rid of what it doesn't. A good functioning filtration system can teach me a lot about what I need to let pass through me and what I should not hold onto. I'm going to make things a lot easier on myself going forward.

I am grateful for cleanses.

I am grateful for lighter meals.

I am grateful for honest communication.

I am grateful for being single.

I am grateful for hope and optimism.

Keeping a Clear Path

Now that this path is clear and I've cleansed myself of the boyfriend, I have to remember to keep this path clear. What is the path? The path is a launch pad for a rocket ship which is my ascension into the sky that has no limit towards what I want to do with my life.

I have to remember a few key things:

• Don't call him.
• Don't offer him anything.
• Don't be kind. Be civil.
• Don't be a dick. But don't feel like I have to be the good guy.
• Don't reach out.
• Don't fall back.
• Don't get back together.
• Work more.
• Sleep more.
• Concentrate.
• Work on the intentions you made late last year.
• Be grateful.
• Talk to friends.
• Offer enough to them, but don't replace the need to take care of the boyfriend with the need to take care of my friends.
• Stand tall.
• Stand firm.
• Continue.

I have to keep this path clear, now that I've gotten rid of the clutter that wasn't allowing it to take off. I have been revving up this engine for quite some time and once the rocket ship takes off it will have a ton of momentum and energy to take it where it needs to go.

I don't have any obstructions any more. I am single. I don't have a relationship holding me back or keeping me down. I had less that I was worried about this time around. But now even that is gone and now the rocket is ready to launch. The most important thing I need to remember and the thing that all of these items add up to is:

Keep a clear path.

I am grateful for silence.

I am grateful for phone calls and text messages and emails from loved ones.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for good food.

I am grateful for my cleanse.

A Supportive Boyfriend

I've had a lot of time to think over the past five days. I have been nothing but a supportive boyfriend to the last two men I was in long term relationships with. Maybe I should have been less supportive. Because that's time away from the stuff I needed to focus on. For the first two years of our relationship specifically, I needed an escape from my father's illness. So I went to gigs. I hung out with him and his friends. We went away on weekends. We did a lot of stuff together. And I absolutely loved it. I have great memories of the camping trips and the drives. I felt like we were at our best when we were away from everything. When he was away from his drum set and I was away from my lap top.

But as things got busier for me, we drifted apart. I had been supportive of him, but now I needed to be supported in getting back to the work I needed to do. And I worked really hard. But the harder I worked, the more strain our relationship seemed to take on. I could tell he felt my absence when I wasn't going to gigs as much any more or when it was harder to make plans. But throughout all of that, his schedule never budged. Any time that we would spend together needed to be taken out of my time to do the things I needed to do. And last year cemented the deal. I had even less time for him than I had the year before. The time we had together I tried to make the most out of. But he already felt abandoned because I was applying for jobs out of town. I can understand that. But he would never hesitate to take a job if he needed to. And he wouldn't have discussed it with me.

So the less time I had for him, the less supportive he felt. Yes, it's true that The Drummer is a nicer guy on the surface than the Ex. But The Drummer is also passive aggressive and doesn't like confrontation. So he started pulling away and he started doing things that showed he had less interest. He started to tease me more in ways that had the sting of truth to them. But he was never direct. And when he was direct, he was angry. He didn't know how to separate the two.

Now that we've been out of this relationship for five days, I see all of the ways that I put him before myself. I tried to make it all work. The main thing I did this time around that I didn't do with The Ex is that I always made time for myself. Despite his objections to it. I know that put strain on us and that is eventually what led to the break up. But I couldn't let go of the things that I needed to do. And that paid off. Because I left the relationship with material to show for. When the Ex and I broke up, I didn't have that. I was committed to so many other things that I didn't have any time for myself to write and I was left having to start from scratch. I didn't have to start over this time. I just now have more time to do what I've been doing all along. And I'm capable of that.

I've cleared the path way. I've cleared the launching pad for my rocket ship to take off. I'm a good, supportive friend. I go out of my way for the people I love and respect. And that's usually returned in kind. My mother made an observation recently that The Drummer never felt comfortable in front of my friends. At my best friend's wedding, he stayed at the table hanging out with my mother while I was dancing and socializing with her family, to whom I'm like a brother and a son. He often remarked with different sets of friends who were cultured and social that he felt he was being judged. I didn't even notice that he didn't like my friends. But I went out of my way to get along with his friends and it was easy because they were all wonderful people. I didn't have to try hard. But neither did he because my friends are wonderful people. But he never got that. He kept finding places for himself to feel excluded and rejected because of his personal history. He'd hate that I was diagnosing him or that I was discussing it in a blog.

The good thing is that when I felt like he was trying to squash my personal dignity, I ignored him. But the bad thing is that I was in a relationship where someone was trying to make me feel bad about myself. It wasn't as bad as the last guy. But it was more subversive. And he definitely didn't think he was doing that. He sees himself as the good guy. It's vital to his sense of himself that he is the good guy. But we all have our dark sides and our blind spots. No one's the good guy all of the time.

Given what happened to me last time, I should have known better. But he's charming and he really is sweet. But his core wasn't so generous. Other people noticed this. Even when I don't have that much, I give. But he wouldn't. And it's not about money, but it's about time and thoughtfulness. Even when he would pick up the bill, I could tell that it was killing him. Like the night we broke up. He picked up the check, but he did so reluctantly and like he was doing me a favor.

I still love him. That's going to take awhile to go away. But he wasn't a supportive boyfriend. It pains me to say that and to even think it. But he was not a supportive boyfriend. When he needed things, I was there and I didn't ask. But when I needed things, it was different. He'd say that he helped put a roof over my head. But he held that over my head and never let me forget it. He also never acknowledged or thanked me when I did things for him. On the other hand, that's what I get for depending on someone so much. That's completely on me. I can't let him take the fall for that.

I wanted kind. I got sweet. That's better than bitter, angry and verbally abusive. But it's still not enough.

I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the love we had.
I am grateful for the friends in my life who have come out for me.
I am grateful for support that continues to show up.
I am grateful for friends who know the person I am.

Denial as a Default

Funny: the things we return to time and time again. Denial's one of those things for me. When I get into a relationship, eventually I start denying myself certain things in service to the other person. I've got to fix that.

I'm waking up between 7-7:30 am these days. And I'm going to bed around midnight or 1 AM at the latest. That's my natural state. Seven hours of sleep is my natural state. Waking up early and getting my day started right away is my natural state. The Drummer is a night owl because he's a musician and likes to go to bed around 3 AM or later. It always bothered him that we weren't on the same schedule and I thought that was fascinating. I wrote it off as him making a big deal out of nothing. But to him, it was major. It said a lot about our compatibility. But what regular person keeps that sort of schedule. I had no problem with him going to bed at one time and me at another. But I did compromise when it came to waking up. I didn't get up earlier than 10 AM. I had a schedule that could support that. And I managed to get a lot done in my schedule. But it never felt natural. I denied myself my natural state.

I stopped asking for the things I needed. I needed better sex. I needed more kissing and passion, not just jerking off side by side. We weren't buddies. We were boyfriends. I needed someone who was more open with himself and more vulnerable. I had someone who looked right, who said the right things and who did enough of the right things to be seen as a good guy. And, in truth, that's a hell of a lot better than the Ex was after our break up (We have since reconciled and the Ex asked to make amends with me about six months ago after being sober for two years and counting).

I told myself that it wasn't as bad as the situation before that. Maybe that's why I stuck around. It was a low grade level of not perfect. It wasn't drag down fights and door slamming and shoe throwing. It was a quieter separation. It was a gradual dying. And now as the days continue to add up and separate us even further, it's clear that so much was wrong between us. 

In the next few weeks and months, I guess I should figure out why denial is my default. This is the luxurious time to do work on myself. But the truth is every day, even when in a relationship, should be an opportunity to do some outpatient work. Right now, I'm in full on inpatient care. But when I'm done with the more intensive work, I need to check in with myself every day and not fall back into denial. I need awareness to be my default.

I am grateful for the break up.

I am grateful for new awareness that's coming.

I am grateful for the loneliness that teaches me about what I really want.

I am grateful that I know how to take care of myself.

Tarot Card Reading: Review

I got a text from Susan today asking me if anything about the reading seemed to ring true this week. I got to thinking about that and figured, I'd put my responses down in a blog post.

What I like to do after a reading is keep going back every few weeks to see if what came out in the cards is coming to pass. So this is my first check in with myself.

Where I am Right Now (King of Swords)

The King of Swords points to a very forceful energy. You may need to change something about your behavior, thoughts and/or expectations. If you're looking for work, a stereotypical man's man may be able to help. But you have to impress him on every level. In relationship to love, you have to accept your beloved as who he is. In terms of finances, face the reality of your situation head on. There is a need for generosity towards others.

Cut away from an old belief that has outlived its purpose. Listen to your intuition. A boss or co-worker won't mince words.

I am in the process of trying to change things up. I'm looking for day jobs. I'm looking for jobs that feel like I could have a purpose and yet won't distract me too much from writing. I keep thinking about this old belief that has outlived its purpose and there have been a lot of old ideas that are no longer useful. But this idea that if I commit to a day job then I am giving up, I am giving up on that way of thinking. Worrying about money is taking up too much of my time and given the productivity I've had especially in the last year and a half, I can make money not writing and still have time to write. I just have to focus on that and make it a priority. It doesn't mean that I'm giving up or selling out.

Setting the Stage (Tower)

The Tower is a card about Change. It seems that some people who used to be there for you aren't in the same way. Change is a part of life, this isn't dire. If you've been building castles in the air, it may be time for them to come crashing to earth. This is only a problem if you let it be. You'll make it through time time. Realize you've got all the resources you need. Control your temper. Sudden reversals can happen now. This can be an indicator that a relationship is about to end. Keep communication clear if you are in a relationship you want to stay in. Find out exactly what you are dealing with financially. Deal with any problems in a straight forward manner. Careful with drugs and alcohol. Keep a positive attitude.

Breaking a part a structure that keeps you bound. There's an inner urge to break free. Violent upheaval. Sweeping life clean. Now doors open. New chapters begin. A fresh start.

Setting the stage for Change. Yes, there are people in my life who don't serve a purpose as much as those ideas that don't serve a purpose. And maybe they're related. I found myself last year getting rid of some people who I thought were close to me and who really defined me. It's not the friendships that are easy to let go of that make an impact, it's the ones you never thought you would let go of. But when I think about it, these people either proved themselves to be something other than what I thought or those friendships had just run their course. I believe that writing is my vocation in life. But that doesn't mean that I will go to Hollywood and get paid millions to do it. That doesn't mean that it was all worth it. The fact that I spend every day writing means that I'm meant to do it. The fact that I have ideas that keep coming and that I have opportunities to keep writing are affirmation that I'm a writer all day every day no matter what. Those big pay days don't define me. Another old idea I'm letting go of is that if I'm not famous and rich as a writer then I am a failure. I am a success every day I wake up to write. And in the days I don't hit the keys, I'm still reading, watching and thinking about writing. My life is facing in that direction. I have been setting the stage for the past four years for a big change to happen. I have been clearing the way for a new way of living.

What I'm Learning This Month (10 of Wands)

You feel like you are carrying a heavy burden. How can you lighten your load? Don't do too much. Give yourself a break, you have been working too hard. If you've been looking for a new position, don't lose heart. You won't fail. Something in your relationship needs to be examined. Take the time. Make a financial plan. Massage and vacation can work wonders now.  Reach out for help in all areas.

You're a workaholic on a mission. You have so much responsibility. Take time to head out into the world and dispense new knowledge. Do things for yourself.

It's amazing that the thing I keep learning is to lighten my load and not to do too much. It seems like I have been doing too much for too long that I need to give myself a break. That thought is so antithetical to the way I was raised and what I believe. But again, there's another idea that has outlived its purpose. So this month is about looking for that new position and knowing that I won't fail.  A lot of what this reading was about was that my relationship needs to be looked at. And I've known that for a long time. That doesn't mean THE END. That means that as I am looking at myself, I need to be looking at the relationship and giving to it everything I can, if that's what I want. I'm being more open and vulnerable with The Drummer and that's bringing us deeper and closer. I need to make a financial plan, that's good advice. If I have a plan for what I need, then the opportunities that come my way can help fill that need. I'm also trying to take care of myself as much as I can. I like this month's lesson.

The Root/Unconscious/What I'm Standing On (7 of Wands)

In any competitive situation, you come out on top. Now is the time to feel your fear and do it anyway. Make clear where you stand with people. You'll help the situation by making your self clear. A big positive change is coming. This card is about thinking for yourself and independence. Now's the time to be self-employed. Expect an increase in finances. Be sensible with money. Think long term.

You possess the ability to succeed against opposition. The Writer's Card. Tie up loose ends of past. Rely on your own strength and judgment. Time to take the plunge towards self-employment.

My unconscious thoughts say that I'm a good competitor. That is true. I am very competitive because I like to stretch myself. We have this writing challenge through my playwrights group and I'm using the opportunity to get as much done as possible. Last year, I wrote an entire play in a month. It's not about being "better" than anyone else. It's just about using that pressure to get more done. I'm usually good when I don't pay attention to what other people are doing and I just feel like I'm trying to outrun a train. When I look back, I usually get further than I thought I would. I know a positive change is happening, and I'm just trying to remember that change is coming and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to do that when you're surviving on the bare minimum (and sometimes below the bare minimum) of life. The one thing that comes up sometimes is self-employment and I'm constantly confused by that. I'm not sure if that means that I need to be in business for myself, if I need to set up my website, if I need to find more freelance work. Because right now the idea of a 401K and great health benefits and a long term plan sound so attractive. Is that the wrong thing? I would love to know ASAP so I can start heading in the right direction if I'm not already there.

The Last Two Weeks (Death)

Transformation and Change. Certain people or situations are not available to you as they once were. Let go of a self-limiting belief or attitude. Accept the change about to happen to make this transition easier. This change and destruction will be followed by renewal. You may benefit from a complete change of field. Do it. Face any problems in your relationship and try to fix it. If you can't, you might have to move on. Reach out for help. Deal with financial changes. Stay healthy. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol. Move through this "dark night of the soul."

Transition. Transformation. Permanent change is required. Are you afraid of the future? Seek out a new occupation or career.

BIG CHANGE. I'm ready. This was the part where Susan was staring to get nervous in the reading. But I reminded her that the big changes in my life that have brought about the most positivity have been because of huge disruptions to the way I used to live. Nothing in my life is anything of what it was like four years ago. I was in a shitty relationship at home and at work and in my family. I was maxing out on my daddy issues. I didn't want to get up in the morning. I didn't like myself. I felt like a huge failure and that life had passed me by. But that all changed. And now I have less money than I have had in a long time and I feel happier and more fulfilled than ever. So what does that tell me? That change is good. That I need to focus on the right things. But what does that have to do with the last two weeks? Maybe I'm preparing for big change more than I realize. I think the two weeks before this reading I was confronting my past a lot. SO maybe it's just time to finally say good bye to it. SO much of my past is coming up in my dreams. I have been dreaming about my past more than ever lately. But perhaps that's a sign. It's time to close the chapter on a part of my life I now look back at with such nostalgia. It wasn't as good as I'm making it out to be.

How Others See you in the World (Wheel of Fortune)

This is a very spiritual and Karmically oriented time. Change. You are being called on to follow your dream. Reach out to someone who does what you dream of doing. Talk about how you're feeling in your relationship to get what you want. Financial circumstances are about to change.  Save for a rainy day when fortunes change. Hold yourself accountable for what is happening in your life.

Change. Take a gamble. Fates are trying to steer you in a new direction. New work cycle.

Do others see me as a gambler? Do they see me as someone who follows his dream and does what he wants? Do others see me as a risk taker? I know that others see me as someone who writes a lot. I know that others see me as someone who is independent and special. I claim that. So the fates are trying to steer me in this new direction. As my friend Carrie said yesterday, I need to stop fighting the current. The riptide of life has me and I need to just swim with it until it's ready to drop me off in the place I should be. I am being called on to follow my dream. Maybe that security job isn't coming. So don't fight it. Swim parallel to the dream and let the dream get me where I need to be.

Next Two Weeks (5 of Wands)

Competition. Don't be afraid of competing. You have something to offer. You need to believe in yourself stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change and can be successful. In competition, the only way to lose is not to try. Don't be afraid of the competition. You can come out on top. Play fair. You or your partner may be pursued by many people. Even though money's tight, think about your financial situation calmly. You might not be able to make all of your obligations right now, but you will. Do what you can. Things will be better financially in the next couple of weeks. Give yourself time to rest and reset.

Others want what you want. Don't give in. Competition is stiff and frustrating. Efforts won't go unrewarded. Countering rivals. Ignore the gossip. Significant challenges.

The next two weeks (which I'm in now) are about competition. That's true. I have my play to finish for the writing challenge and my first developmental reading through Moving Arts. I also have the Humanitas application due on March 1st. I have another play to submit on the 16th. I have the Humanitas Play LA application due on April 15th. I have my second reading on April 14th. This is probably the most positive message in the cards out of all of them and it's about the next two weeks. If I compete, I will win. I have something to offer. I have to keep going and believe in myself. That's why my belief in myself is being tested. The only way to lose is not to try. No chance of that. I'm trying new things and I'm succeeding in getting better. Things are about to get better financially. My efforts won't go unrewarded. I just need to ignore the noise around me and work.

Self-Concept (3 of Swords)

Allow yourself to fully experience any sorrow or joy that comes now. Very deep emotional issues that must be addressed before you can move on. Your whole life is not or should not be what you do professionally. Look in a different field. Ask for help. If there is difficulty in your relationship, know that you are being guided to the relationship that is right for you. If your financially is overwhelming, look at it at a chunk at a time. Ask for assistance. Don't hold onto things that have outlived their purpose. Make room for new blessings to come in.

Heartbreak. Loss. Disappointment. Intense feelings take their control. Letting go of what no longer serves you. Change must be made. Inspiration leads you far afield of where you started.

This card is about how I see myself. See this card is talking about how I see myself and that it doesn't have to be about what I do professionally. I can look at things differently now and be okay. I need to make room for new ideas to come in. I have to let go of what no longer serves me, that is an important part of how I see myself. Because if the way I see myself is limited, I will not live the fullest expression of myself that is possible. Inspiration leads me far afield of where I started--I like that. I don't know quite what that means yet, but I like the idea.

Hope or Fear (Judgment)

Don't jump to conclusions. Slow down. This can be a time of real spiritual awakening. Your efforts are being watched. If you have been working hard and doing your best, things are about to pay off. Make very clear what you want out of life and love. Money and contracts will be heading your way now. Things should be on a very important, positive upswing. Be open to new ideas and new experiences.

Major reality. Release the past. Awakening from your journey. Learn to mold awakedness with kindness. The journey moves in a spiral that goes up. Waking up to realize real work and path.

This is about my hopes and fears. Don't jump to conclusions. Okay. Slow down. My body is tired and showing my signs that I need to relax and slow down. I have been working hard and things are about tot pay off. I want a true partnership in both my personal and professional lives. Even if that means that the person I was thinking might be a new manager isn't that person, I know that she will be a part of my growth. And this could be a longer dance. That's fine too. More opportunities to show myself. Again, this is about releasing the past. I fear that the best is behind me. That is a thought that has outlived its purpose. The best is yet to come. I have made it through this journey and I can now reap the benefits of everything I have lived and experienced.

Home/Energy You Draw to Yourself (Son of Disks/Knight of Pentacles)

The Knight of Pentacles points to messages, most often about money and finance. You are likely to receive news you have been waiting on and this news is likely to be good. The Knight tells us to pay attention to the mundane and normal parts of our lives. It's a very practical card. You must work within existing systems and accomplish what people want you to accomplish. This is positive in terms of work, but you need to come across as even keeled in interviews, not as a maverick. Money is coming soon and could be coming in from anywhere. Keep your nose to the grindstone and don't bet more than you can afford to lose. Make small positive mundane changes in terms of health.

Set financial goals and stick to them. Headed for professional success and distraction. Steady income. Willingly accepting obligation and taking responsibility for actions.

The energy I try to draw to myself is of success and openness. It's of full expression. I remember that Steven Pressfield in his books talks about the work not happening in the big moments but in those every day mundane moments. It's about a practice that you keep at every day. The muses will come where they see the most work being produced. I have to work in existing systems to get done what I want to. This is not maverick time. But I am able to get done what I need to get done. That will happen. I can still have a maverick spirit, but I need to keep my nose to the grindstone and get my shit done. The energy I am drawing to me is one of hard work, studiousness and perseverance.

Next Steps (World)

How good are you at asking for help when you need it? You might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, but don't feel like you have to go at it alone. You've worked hard and you're almost at the finish line in some way. Don't quit now that you're almost finished. You are in need of rest and relaxation, don't be afraid to take it. You are getting closer to who you really are at your deepest levels. In terms of work, there's a chance that you're working too hard for too little recognition and money. If this is the case blow your own horn a little, don't be afraid and don't be overlooked. You might be finding your relationship rising to greater heights. Your financial blockage is about to break and you'll be flush again soon. Don't go mad with spending when it does happen. Make sure to save. Follow your instincts about what is best for your health. Might be time to find a healer. You are likely to have clear flashes of spiritual insights at this time.

The fool's journey ends. Reached a deep understanding. Most private beliefs affect the world. Completion. Success. Fulfillment. Don't assume ultimate goal has been attained. Travel. Foreign contacts. Overcome limitations.

My next steps are to keep going even thought it's getting difficult. I'm almost at the finish line and that's where it always gets the hardest. It's the story of Odysseus. Don't open the bag of wind that will set me back. This is the antithetical thought though: as it gets closer, just lay back and relax. I am working too hard for too little money. I need to blow my horn more. I think that makes sense. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and I could use a little more squeak in my step. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and not worrying about the reward or the outcome. That will figure itself out. Don't think about it too much. Just do what you're doing.

I am grateful for insight.
I am grateful for tarot cards.
I am grateful for truth.
I am grateful for energy.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for my stubbornness.
I am grateful for all there is to come.

Just When You Think You've Conquered Something...

Last night I almost broke up with my boyfriend.

Things had been rough for awhile and we weren't really connecting. We weren't talking much. We weren't having sex. We were two separate people occupying the same space. And he had brought this up a lot. I felt like things could get better. But I didn't know how to make them better. There was a lot of talk about what we didn't have in common, which isn't something that ever bothered me. But we weren't sharing time together and when we were together we had nothing to relate to each other about.

But neither one of us knew how to get out of it.

Then yesterday things exploded. I had met him out at a sports bar to watch the Packers play and immediately I had bad energy. I didn't want to be there. I didn't feel comfortable. I had visible distain for the whole situation. And he knew it.

So when he got home, we had a conversation. We had many conversations dancing around the topic of us not connecting, but every time he had said that he didn't want to break up and that it wasn't about us breaking up. I felt relieved to hear that, but I also felt like that might not be true. What we were going through felt serious and I felt like he wasn't acknowledging it. Then he said, "We might not be the right fit."

There it was. The thing that I had been afraid of. The thought that was lingering in the air. My first thought was I knew it! Then I wondered if this was truly where we were. Was this the break up conversation? We both agreed that there didn't seem to be any way out. We both felt like we had tried and had once been connected. I felt like he had thrown his hands in the air and given up. Then I said something I hadn't expected to say.

I told him that I still resented him for not being there when my Dad died. I didn't feel supported. And because of things in his personal history, I never pushed it. I just assumed that him not being there for me was just something I would have to deal with. Besides, I had friends who were supportive. I was able to get support from other places. So I did what I try not to do--I pushed my feelings down, didn't acknowledge them and kept moving forward with my process of mourning. I didn't notice it right away because I had plenty of people in my life who had lost parents. I had my mother and my brother. I had other friends who were there for me.

After I told him that, we continued to talk about other things. What would we do now? Then he had to go teach a few music lessons and I decided to go visit my friends Susan and Clayton. We had dinner together where we talked about it. Susan told me to be patient. They both acknowledged that I should have someone in my life who supports me. I didn't know if this was it for us. When I broke up with the Ex, I had said that I wanted someone who was kind.  I needed to bring kindness into my life. And the Drummer had done that. Maybe that's all he came to do. And now that he brought kindness into my life, maybe that was it. The relationship had run its course.

As I left Susan and Clayton's I got a call from the Drummer. He was going to hit a few balls at the driving range before coming home to clear his head. I got home and ate something. I had just had dinner, but I felt like I needed to eat something. Then he came home. He wasn't feeling good. He was sick to his stomach. The revelation that I resented him for not being there for me hit him hard. He felt disappointed. He felt like he had failed me. I told him I never brought it up in any real way because he has some pain around family issues and I didn't want to disrespect him by asking for support. He had legitimate pain and I had legitimate pain and I didn't want to fight over whose pain was the deepest. He told me that it all made sense now. Knowing that I had resentment around how supportive he could be for me explained everything. He had losses he didn't think it was important to acknowledge. He also didn't remember saying the things I told him he said. I assured him that he said them and that they had a bigger impact than he realized.

Something broke. Something was shaken. The walls had been lifted or broken through. We suddenly had a place of understanding that we didn't have before. Then he asked me to hold him. And as I held him and rubbed his back, it felt closer than it had felt in a long time. It felt real. We both felt the love between us that had been missing. And we both acknowledged that we missed it.

I seriously thought it was over last night. I had prepared myself for it. I was scared. We both were.

And where do we go from here? How do we keep things from falling backwards? I think we keep talking. We have achieved a level of openness that we really didn't have before. I told him that I wanted to tell him how I felt now instead of six months after our break up, when we would have that "catch up" conversation where we could really be honest with each other with some distance from the relationship. I wanted to tell him now, so that at least he would know what was going on with me. And it was the thing that saved our relationship. As scary as that was to say, it saved us.

I am grateful for honesty.
I am grateful for an open minded and open hearted partner in life.
I am grateful to conquer fear.
I am grateful for the things that scare me.
I am grateful for the opportunity for renewal.

Spirituality: The Person I Am Meant to Be

I have been on THIS journey for almost four years.

This journey being the journey of this blog which I started almost four years ago. My big break up happened four years ago Halloween.  And what I have gained in perspective and in peace of mind in that four years is immeasurable. And it continues to grow and expand all of the time.

In some ways, I don't recognize that person. But in other ways, I am very aware of who he is and his attributes so that I don't revert back to that. I don't think I could go backwards completely, but that sort of Resistance is dangerous and something I have to keep my eye on constantly.

I started this blog because I needed a place to talk about these changes that were going on inside of me. I needed a place to be safe and here in this blog I could be safe and sound. I could voice what was happening. A friend years ago said that I had been incredibly honest in this blog. I know that she meant that I had been too honest. Well, not too honest for me. I had to exorcise those demons and I had to do them publicly so I wouldn't turn back. I had to make a commitment to myself to move forward and putting my life down for people to read made sure that I was accountable. And there was something incredibly liberating about that sort of honesty, especially in the first year of that blog. Now I write when I have to get a thought down. It's less urgent these days because I am living the life I want to be living.

I realize how much money doesn't matter, but happiness does. That does not mean that I want to be destitute.  But I don't want to be spiritually or emotionally bankrupt either. I had given everything away. I didn't know what riches I had, so I just gave them away. So actually four years ago, I was the poorest I had ever been. I know what real poverty looks like. To be spiritually gone is to have nothing. And I had nothing left. I had given everything away to my Ex because that's all I knew.

I used to want us to be friends. I used to want him and I to have an honest conversation, but I don't think he is capable of it. And if he is ever capable of it, he will find me. I will not seek it out because in some ways I was ready a few weeks after we broke up. I wasn't spiritually whole by any means, but I was ready to get rid of that old self. Now I don't need us to be friends. I don't need to be liked by him. I could give a rat's ass if he had anything nice to say about me. One of my favorite sayings is, "What people think of me is none of my business." And it's not.

I have been going through a period of unpopularity lately with certain people in my life. I take accountability and responsibility for hurting people when I have. But when I legitimately have not hurt someone, I am not in the business of apologizing to make them feel better. I am not into the business of selling myself out for that. I appreciate the love and the growth that those friends have brought into my life. I am grateful for the purpose that those friendships served. But certain relationships are only for a season of one's life. And I am getting much more certain in how I feel people out. I used to apologize up and down the block to people when I didn't want to just so that they would feel better. I didn't realize that they were shaming me and by apologizing, I was giving away my own power. Again, if I have done something wrong, I know it in my soul. And I will account for that. But if someone is bringing their grief to my table, I will push it aside and not digest it. That grief can get cold and moldy and stale and eventually go away. I am not taking on other's grief for the benefit of their ego.

I was watching Ali MacGraw on Super Soul Sunday a few days ago and she was talking about the joy of saying "No." Just a flat out No. Not an apology or a follow up or even a "No, thank you." But just no. And there is something powerful in saying No. A refusal to accept anything less than what you deserve. And we fall back on apologizing because just saying No or just telling people how you feel, warts and all, can be a lonely place. I even feel it in my relationship sometimes. But as my tarot cards said recently, my temperament is part of who I am. My ruthlessness. My cutting to the chase. I used to think that all of those behaviors were mean-spirited. They can be. But there's also something about cutting to the core of who you are and what you want that is extremely powerful. It's so powerful often that we run away from it. And I am no longer running away from getting to the essence of my being in its pure form. I don't need to cut it with anything, like an excuse. If I don't want something or I don't accept something, it is enough to not want it and not accept it.

That's something I couldn't do four years ago.  Four years ago, everything my boyfriend said to me or every insult he struck me with stuck with me. I couldn't shake the emotion. Every time we had a fight, I couldn't write to escape. I couldn't just put it out of my mind. I held onto it tightly and it made me deeply unhappy. It was an awful existence. And thank God I got out because now I know it would have killed me. Maybe not right away. Maybe not some sort of big blow out fight that would end in a knife stab or a gun shot. Maybe not a drug overdose. But if I continued to be unhappy, a cancer would grow inside of me, either actual or metaphorical. I had such a high threshold for pain that I stayed in it for way too long.

I don't like to stand that kind of pain for very long. I get rid of it right away. In fact, I don't get near it. My spiritual journey over the past four years has led me back to the person I am meant to be. I realize that I knew things for years that I didn't realize I knew. Then I gave myself away and started learning things I didn't need to know, except for the fact that by learning those things I saw the value in what I have always known. It's like living in CA growing up. I never appreciated how beautiful it is here until I moved to places with colder, wetter, snowier climates. Now I realize how lucky I am to live in CA for the weather and I notice it every day. Now I realize how lucky I am to have true happiness and certainty in myself that I will never take it for granted again.

I am grateful for every minute it took for me to learn every lesson I've ever learned.
I am grateful for peace of mind.
I am grateful for gratitude.
I am grateful for solitude.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.

Why Do I Always Cry in Meditation?

It's not like I get the boo hoos.  I don't start heaving and sobbing uncontrollably.

But my eyes water and get wet.  Usually, I attribute it to being tired in the morning.  But this morning, I had a deep meditation and tears were streaming down my face.  I don't feel sad.  I don't feel depressed or emotional.  But my eyes get wet and eventually there are tears.

Today the tears were flowing.  And I started asking myself why.  I think that meditation is my one time during the day where I completely release.  The work I have been doing has been emotional.  I'm transcribing an old play of mine that I didn't have in the proper format which is also about my family.  My body is just letting the emotions flow out.  It's a good thing.  It's natural, which is evidenced by the fact that the tears just flow without effort or emotion behind them.

Today's centering thought of my meditation was the following:

My Life Energy Organizes My Life Effortlessly

And today's meditation was about Activating Power.  I feel like this was the perfect meditation for me this morning.  I have become more familiar and used to my Power over the past year or so.  Before I used to give my Power up and let other people take the lead.  Or I used to let what other people said about me affect me negatively.  I needed that validation.  Now I am learning to let go of that need for validation and I am claiming my Power.  I am claiming the force it has, the effect it has on other people and my ability to harness it.  I have lived my life knowing I have Power within and being afraid of it.  I am not afraid of it any more.  I am excited by its great light.  I am honored to have this Power within me.  My tarot card reading said that having this Power, sharing this Power, and living this Power is a responsibility.  I am finally ready to fully take on the responsibility.  That is the only way truly life changing events can occur in my life.  If I run away from that responsibility, how can I reap the benefits that my Life Energy affords me.  It's all there.  It's like the equity in a home.  I can only benefit from it if I use it.

And this Power has been building equity ever since I was born.  I have used some of it from time to time, but I have built up enough that I can harness that Power and put it to work for me.

I find it interesting that my meditations regularly involve tears and vulnerability.  And that I have this Power that I am accessing.  Strength is Vulnerability.  I don't know how it could be any clearer.

I am taking today to just be.  I am drinking tea.  Writing this blog.  I will go shower shortly.  I am spending time quietly.  Maybe I'll meditate more before the day gets started.  Then I am taking the boyfriend to the airport.  And I think I might go to the spa and sit in quiet for awhile as well.

The Universe has been asking me to slow down since yesterday.  I woke up and went to go get gas at Costco.  I drove all the way from my friend's house in Laurel Canyon to Burbank.  Then the entire gas station was closed.  I remember thinking that it was a waste of time initially.  Then I decided to enjoy the drive, which was out of my way.  I still had to get gas, so I stopped at a gas station I know near my house.  It took me awhile to merge back into traffic and get to the gym to do a short workout.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the Universe was already telling me that this wasn't going to be the day I expected.  So I went to the office.  Dealt with some issues there.  Meditated about mentorship.  Got a phone call from a woman who might be a mentor for me according to my latest tarot reading.  Great sign of meditation in action.  Then when I felt like I wasn't getting any work done, my desk collapsed to let me know that work wasn't going to happen today.  I had to drive back to Burbank to the IKEA there to get my replacement parts for my desk that bent when the desk collapsed.  I live in Burbank and had to go there twice randomly that didn't involve me going home.  So maybe there's another message about focusing on my home life that the Universe was trying to send me as well.

So eventually I came back to my friend's house where I'm staying and just laid down.  I was exhausted from the day, but also exhausted from all the work I've been doing on this screenplay for five weeks straight.  I wasn't honoring my body by resting.  So I did that.  And I am going to continue to do that today.  I need to respect what my body is telling me.  It needs rest.  My mind needs rest.  I need to refill my tank and let inspiration come.  I need to be around friends, which I was able to do last night with my playwrights group.  I need to be embraced by people who care about me and understand me.

There are more battles ahead in this war, but for the time being, I need to rest and recoup.

I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for entertaining videos on You Tube.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.
I am grateful for laughs.
I am grateful for time together with people I like and respect.

Tarot Card Reading Revisit: Connecting the Dots

I had my tarot cards read almost a month ago. I love having them read and I love to go back a bit later and see what has resonated for me.  It's a good opportunity for reflection and to reinforce the messages of the reading.

So here's the link to my original reading:

http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/tarot-card-reading-ask-for-help.html

And I'm going to go back and see what has come to pass.

Where You Are Now (Knight of Wands)

Great time for travel if you can get away.  You feel charged up.  Ready to get things done.  Knights are message bearers and positive in work and career when it's a Knight of Wands.  You have a lot of reasons to feel pride.  Savor it.   Make sure you're making time to talk in your relationship.  That will bring you closer.  Money should be flowing, but cut expenses where you can. Devote time money and energy to the spiritual causes you believe in.

What you're looking for is coming.  Work without worry or concern.  Get things done.

I haven't traveled much lately.  But I am feeling an incredible amount of energy towards work and I'm getting a lot done in a short amount of time.  It doesn't feel as much like work as it typically has.  I'm very focused on a spiritual path and that seems related to my calling as a writer.  I feel abundance and I feel like money is coming, although that has been slow.  I am not anxious over it, which is shocking.  I am calmly working very hard and happy to do so.

Atmosphere/Setting the Stage (9 of Wands)

Don't let the things you are worried about overwhelm you. Get very specific about what you're worried about and pick it apart.  Pinpoint it.  Comfort yourself and ask for help if you need it.  Be clear about the things you can and can't control at work. This is a good time to get yourself whole emotionally.  Get some space from your beloved if you need it.  You shouldn't be fighting all of the time.  Look at ways, even small ones, to increase your income.  Meditation is important.  Get lots of food, exercise and rest.  Surround yourself with good people.

One last challenge before you get to your goal.  Plan your next course of action.  You're in a position of strength.

Yes, there is worry and concern about money.  I am trying to forge ahead and figure out big and small ways I can bring in more money.  I have been meditating every day, that helps.  I have been trying to be good to myself.  That seems to be good too.  And being surrounded by good people is really important to me these days.  It feels like I'm able to sense more negativity if it's around me.  And I'm not standing for it.  I just try to let go of the things I can't control, especially in terms of friends.  I know what I need to be positive and successful.  Gossip and petty behavior isn't a part of that anymore.

What I'm Supposed to be Learning This Month (The Lovers)

It usually points to romantic partnerships with one person.  But it can also address the duality in all of us.  Follow your heart when it comes to any hesitation or ambivalence in a relationship.  You may be facing a choice or decision in relationship to work.  Analyze all of your information then make your best choice.  Bring love to the center of your life and rebond with your love.  You will be glowing.  Life will be blissful to you know, which is wonderful.  Others recognize your glow.  Financially, don't lose sight of the things you really must do.  When it comes to health, focus on your healing energy and affirmations to become whole.  A mentor may be ready to come into your life: "when a student is ready, the teacher appears."

Unexpected change in love life.  Security vs. risk. You've got decisions to make.

I feel like I am in a stage in my life where I need to choose the right thing for myself.  Secure choices and risky choices are being offered to me.  I interviewed for a job that would be very secure and would offer me no time to write.  Fortunately, the person interviewing me and I figured that out pretty quickly.  I found myself in a place in my life where I could say, "No this isn't the right thing for me" without reservation.  And that's a risk to basically turn down a job that you could do with your "eyes closed" (her words, not mine).  But I know that I have worked hard especially this year to write full time.  And people are treating me as a full time writer, which is a glow I do not want to diminish.  I'm not sure what is unexpected about my love life, but I am working hard on making sure I have time for him.  It's hard when your focus is so strong and it threatens to exclude that person.

The Root/The Unconscious/The Foundation I'm Standing On (10 of Discs)

Your material needs will be met, perhaps to a degree you didn't think possible.  Things in general will be going extremely well.  Security in all forms is at a high ebb.  You have a great deal to be thankful for.  Relationships of all kinds are going well.  Make sure to share what you have, even a kind word. A raise in pay or a better position will come out of the blue.  You are very likely to enjoy this situation.    Just the right position at just the right pay will be made yours if you keep trying.  Under no circumstances should you give up.  Things are on the upswing, even if you see no concrete signs of that yet.  Make sure your beloved knows how much they mean to you.  You should have more than enough money to meet your needs.  Invest in your future and save some of what you have now.  Think about how you can share your peace, love and prosperity.  Time to share.

Carefree time.  Abundance and prosperity.  Job security. Don't be afraid to take risks. Great time to be self employed.  Create a base for yourself.

All of this is positive.  I didn't read the part before about things being on the upswing, even if there are no concrete signs of that.  I don't see concrete signs of money, but to know that things are heading in a good direction and that I can't give up is encouraging.  Money is the one area that continues to feel uncertain.  So by putting my energy into my office and knowing that money is coming, more than I thought possible, connected to a job better than I thought possible, is incredible.  So I just keep meditating and working, knowing it will come.  And this time does feel carefree in a way I haven't experienced in awhile.  So I feel blessed for that.  And I do need to set up my website so I can do some consulting.

The Last Two Weeks (Strength)

The importance of mind over matter.  Focus on what you want to do, rather than what you don't.  You have the power to harness your thoughts and use them for your benefit, as well as for others.   This is a responsibility that you have.  Conquer your fears, control your impulses and never lose patience with yourself or what you want to achieve.  Meditation and contemplation is important.  Don't spend time with fear or preoccupation.  Outward things will be going all right, but keep your head on straight.  If you are looking for work, know that you have the wherewithal and skill set to find it.  You have more options than you typically think possible.  Love should be going very well.  Money should be in a positive cycle. Save some, even if it's just a little.  This is a great time to control bad habits for your health.  Spend time on mind, body and spirit.  You are stronger than you think.

You have an internal power you need to trust in.  Harmony of the spiritual and material.  You have the ability to over come your own obstacles.  And you need to do this.

This is a great reminder that I have the power to make anything come to fruition that I want to happen.  By writing every day, I am focusing on what I want to do rather than what I don't.  I was going to reach out again to a former boss about making some money, but this is what I don't want to do.  I am going to trust that money is coming in the way that I want it to, through writing.  So I am not going to reach out to him any further.  That is scary, but that is focusing on what I want to do.  It's much deeper than just wanting a job or more money.  I have the responsibility to harness my abilities around what I truly, deeply, and madly want.  No compromising.  I have been meditating a lot and thinking a lot about what I really want (hence my blogs).  My mother said a few weeks ago that things were coming to be because "you are ready."  She said this with tears in her eyes.  And I believe that she is right.  Whatever I want I can have.   I just have to push it forward and work towards it.

How Others See Me in the World (Daughter of Discs/Page of Pentacles)

Can be a card about boredom.  Resist the the impulse to shake things up just for excitement.  There is a better use for this energy.  Great work to support you when you've got tedious work to do.  Focus, backbone and wherewithal to tackle a tedious project.  There's more work to be done than time to do it. Just roll up your sleeves and get busy.  Slow and steady wins the race.  If you need assistance to get things done, it's there for you.  Love may have lost some of its luster.  Work hard to get it back.  Financial reward for good old fashioned hard work.  No time to gamble or be unrealistic.  A good time to put an honest appraisal on the value of your skills and effort.  If you're not being properly compensated, now is a good time to make a change.  Invest, don't spend.  You don't have to get sick to get attention.  Take care of yourself.

Your a student, an apprentice with boundless energy and enthusiasm.  Little distinction between work and play.  On a real vision quest.  Idealistic. Will get good news involving clients.

I have been a bit bored lately.  This is a great reminder to not create drama or excitement.  There's work to be done and the excitement can happen in the work.  I love it and there's plenty of excitement and attention there.  Any health issues will result from emotional issues.  So it's important that I take care of myself and continue to put my energy in good places.  This card is about how others see me.  I guess people see me as someone who's got boundless energy and is always busy.  As a productive, enthusiastic, positive person who works hard.  I am happy with this assessment.

The Next Two Weeks (The Crone/The Hermit)

An extremely spiritual card.  Spirituality even if you are an atheist.  It might indicate trying to figure something out about someone else.  Ask for help with this and get several opinions if you need to.  As with the Strength card (where I was two weeks before this), you might be feeling like you need time alone.  Take it.  This is a card about "trying to do the right thing."  Just make sure that the right thing is what you need personally, not just worrying about the wants and needs of others.  You are reaching the point where work success and recognition are well within your grasp.  Do your best to be organized and productive.  This will pay off for you in ways that aren't clear yet.  Do the "right thing" even if no one is watching.  It seems that romantic relationships are not a priority for you right now.  If you're committed, you might have been moving in different directions for a while now.  Make sure you connect to keep the spark alive.  Be conservative with it comes to investments.  Now is not the time to gamble.  Ritual is important health wise.  Of any sort.  Like even going into an office every day.  Any health problems might indicate something emotional, not physical.  It is very likely that someone will come into your life who is a mentor or teacher, even if they don't "teach" you directly.  You will still learn from them on many levels.  If you need to be alone, be alone.  You will emerge from this month renewed spiritually.

Searching for truth.  A solitary journey.  You will get into the deeper levels of your psyche.Your inner light will illuminate others.  Card associated with Saturn Returns.  Period of solitude is nearing completion.  Increase in productivity.  Success is within your reach.

My best friend gave me the use of her house while she's out of town.  I have been spending my weeks here at the house and my weekends at my place.  I think that has helped on a number of levels. It has given me and my boyfriend space, which I think we need (according to another card in the deck).  But it has allowed me to put all of my focus where I need to put it.  When I am here at my friend's place, I go to the gym in the morning a few times a week and then I'm in my office anywhere between 8-8:30.  Then I mediate and I am working earlier.  If I stay at my place, I am in my office by 9:30-10, which is fine.  But earlier is better.  Like I said before, the money and the success I don't see coming, even if they are around the corner.  What I do see coming is my productivity and my work.  That is where the focus has been lately.  It's hard to justify spending this much time alone when you're in a relationship.  And this card says I need to honor that and do the right thing for myself, even if it doesn't seem like the right thing for my relationship.  We have been good about spending tim together on the weekends and if I have a free evening, I go over there.  As long as I have gotten my work done.  I remember when I read this for the first time, it said that ritual was important for my health.  I thought it just meant running or exercising.  Now I realize it means ritual of any kind.  And I go to the office every day.  I write every day.  I meditate every day.  I run every so often.  I go to the gym every other day.  Ritual's important because it take my mind off of things, but it also gets me to work towards my goal.  As the cards said, on two different occasions, slow and steady wins the race.

Self Concept Card/ How I Feel About Myself (Shaman of Swords)

Powerful, strong, forceful opinionated man.  Darker hair.  You may be tempted to think only about how things affect you personally, particularly when this card does not represent a man in your life.  Consider the feelings of others before you act.  A very forceful energy.  You may not always get a man in your life to change his mind.  You may have to change something major about your behavior, thoughts or expectations.  Don't overextend your reach.  A man in your work environment may be talking to you in a way that you find bothersome, but you might be too sensitive. If you're looking for work, a stereotypical "man's man" might be in a position to hire you, but you will have to impress him on every level to get the job.  Know where to draw the line, but don't be too quick to claim offense.   You might have to accept your beloved as he is, using your feminine energy.  Don't put up with being mistreated.  You need to fully understand and face the reality of your financial situation.  A need for generosity towards others. The rewards your reap will be worth it.  Active meditations are useful now.

This card and the Son of Wands speak to each other.  You're a writer.  Your cutting ruthlessness is about getting rid of what is useless.  You're the head of your own company.  You rarely vacillate.  Air signs: Aquarius.  Cut away from an old idea which has outlived its purpose.  Listen to your intuition.  You have the intellect to get to the heart of the matter.

This card is about how I feel about myself.  The more female version of this reading says that I am a writer and that my cutting ruthlessness is about getting rid of what's useless or unnecessary.  That kind of describes me to a T.  Does it always warm up my boyfriend to me?  No.  But I don't like things that are not needed.  I get to the point a lot because I don't want to waste time.  This also points to the masculine energy that I am getting more and more familiar with and used to.  I am trying not to just let this be an excuse for me to be ruthless and to the point.  I also have to think about what I am doing and saying.  I have to be fully self-aware.  But it also hollers back to some of the cards before this that have said that my believe in myself is of paramount importance right now and that I have to trust what I know.  I have great leaps and strides I want to take and I can't take them with the aplomb necessary unless my foundation is solid.  And the cards are saying that I need to strengthen the foundation because the leaps and bounds are coming.

Hope and Fear (Queen of Wands)

One of the most fertile (metaphorically and literally) and feminine cards of the deck.  Can represent a literal person.  Good energy to receive.  When not about a literal person, about getting a lot accomplished.  Often a focus on work and career.  You're going to get a great deal done in a short amount of time.  If you're looking for work, a woman can be instrumental in helping you find employment.  Exercise moderation when it comes to finances.  Make time for rest and relaxation, no matter what.

Female energy.  There is knowledge and wisdom that has been brought to you.  You are whole or becoming whole due to self-acceptance.  Your temperamental behavior is simply a part of who you are.  Don't lose that.  Work is very important right now.  Older woman who's going to be very helpful to you.  Expect improvement at work.

I remember when I saw this, I thought that it was right on.  I was working on a screenplay at the time and had to get the whole thing written in five weeks.  I was starting the process of working on it.  And I finished it and turned it in.  I'm trying to rest and relax.  Taking down time.  And I'm careful not to take the fact that my temperament is necessary as an excuse for all sorts of bad behavior.  Although the last card said that my ruthlessness is necessary and about getting to the heart of things.  So I guess I just have to accept who I am and the way I get things done without hurting people.  But I can't back away from who I am just because it's the "right thing to do."  It has to be right for me.  Especially in this period of extreme productivity.  

Home (2 of Pentacles)

A card about balance, often about partnership.  Trying to keep two broad areas of life in balance.  Two main issues are forefront in your mind.  Don't worry about too many things.  Multitasking is not your friend right now.  Your financial situation needs to be more balanced.  You may need to consider taking a risk.  Focus on just two main tasks at most.  If you're looking for work, focus.  Do not blanket the market with applications.  You and your sweetheart may be having a hard time finding time for each other.  Make sure the relationship is high on your priority list, otherwise it might not be there when you come back for it.  Make sure you know where you are financially.  Not a great time to speculate financially.  Take time to rest.  Nourishment of mind, body and spirit are necessary to find any balance.

Travel related to job and profession.  Be flexible in juggling many things at once.  Juggling won't feel like juggling.  Squeeze time in with loved ones, even though it might be hard to do.  You might have more than one job and multi tasking might be necessary.  A major change is ushered in.

So this is where the male and female interpretations differ.  The male interpretation is saying that multi tasking is not my friend, but to just focus on two things.  The female perspective says that multi tasking might be necessary if I have more than one thing going on.  It's said that women are better than men are at multitasking.  So maybe that's where the differences lie.  But it's clear that many things are going on, I should focus on what I really want and juggle as necessary.  But don't have so many things going on that my focus is diluted.  It's true that I am balancing my work life and my home life and that is is definitely affecting my home life.  I worry about it.  So I try to make time for us.  But the truth is that it's easier to focus on the work stuff because that seems to be where the energy and productivity are right now.  So I take the advice seriously to focus on relationships that might not be around when I'm ready to focus more completely.  Another card that mentions travel.  It would be great to travel for work.  That could be really fun.  But this card for me is really about that work and love balance.  That's a big challenge right now and one I am focusing on with a good amount of energy.  I love my boyfriend and I like being with him.

Next Steps

King of Pentacles

Authority, tradition and success in money matters.  Now is not the time to be a maverick.  Now's the time to follow the established way of doing things.  A man that I can believe in and trust absolutely.  It also reminds us to be good stewards of our lives, energies and the resources available to us.  An older more established man plays a major role. He's wise, fair, but quick to pass judgement.  This man may become a staunch supporter of yours, even though you've not met him yet.  Be prepared for scrutiny at all times.  If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, speak up.  Take calculated risks when it comes to money.  Share your wealth where and when you feel compelled to do so.  You can't take it with you.  To improve health, vent negative feelings.  Ritual and tradition may be comforting now.  Feed your spirit, your financial life will benefit as a result.

A woman. A business contact.  Pragmatic.  Confidence and ability to plan and produce.  You'll get help from a boss figure.  An authority.  This will bring unexpected recognition.  You have a project nearing completion, gearing up for the next undertaking.

It's funny that the male version points to a man who's coming.  And the female version is about a strong female business contact.  So if I'm combining them, this woman coming into my life is wise, fair and quick to pass judgment.  That sounds incredibly pragmatic to me.  She might become a staunch supporter of mine, even though I haven't met her yet.  Or at least I hadn't when this reading was done.  Much of this reading talks about a mentor, a woman coming into my life.  I met a woman who might become my manager.  I have not sent her material. She might not even know I am looking.  But we met, through a friend.  And she's someone I've been trying to meet.  So I have this knowledge and I'm sitting on it because I know the productivity to come in the next two months.  I know that the time will come where this will all start to coalesce and make sense.  But this woman keeps popping up in this reading and does in the next few cards.

9 of Pentacles

One of the most uplifting and encouraging omens in the suit.  Financial worries are over for awhile.  Things in general will be going better than I thought possible. Enjoy this energy and share your wealth and happiness with others.  Happiness and success.  On the mundane and inner realms.  You have a great deal to be proud of and hopeful about.  Expect the best to happen.  You will be in a position to help those less fortunate than yourself.  Pay attention not only to your material abundance but to your spirituality.  If you're looking for work this points to a better job than you thought possible.  You'll have a lot to be grateful for.  Your relationship will raise to new heights and levels of joy.  When evaluating your finances, you must look at your riches in other ways.  Are you healthy with a good family life? Your financial life is about to improve, perhaps beyond your wildest dreams.  Work hard.  You will be rewarded.  Share what you have.  This too is key.  You will be feeling full of vitality and hopeful and optimistic about the future.  Test results will come back in your favor.  Your self esteem is possibly higher than it has ever been.  You are now in a position to mentor others and share the spiritual insights that you have attained.

You are alone, but not lonely.  You don't need constant companionship.  Self reliance is the key to prosperity.  You're making your own way.  You're in a comfortable position.  You don't need to take on projects that don't interest you.  Be true to yourself to attract opportunities.

Again, this idea that I need to be true to myself so that the right opportunities come my way.  Also, I've noticed a lot in this reading the importance that sharing plays in everything going on right now. Share your resources: money, knowledge, compassion.  The spiritual and material are intrinsically related.  That one affects the other.  I like that is one of the most uplifting and encouraging omens in the suit.  A lot of good omens in this suit.  I like that financial worries might be over for awhile.  That's helpful.  All in all, I feel like I understand this reading and that I am living it, even a few weeks later.

Page of Wands

Might represent a literal person, like a younger female.  Wands people are warm, ambitious and high achievers.  The energy of easy distraction.  Try to stay focused.  Things that you started some time ago are starting to come to fruition.  Need for new things: new adventures, new approaches, new ideas.  Positive energy.  But we must supply the follow through.  A woman who is inclined to be helpful to you at work.  If you're waiting for news on a job you've applied for, the news is most likely good.  The job is likely to be better than you had hoped. Money headed for an upswing.  Some of what you put out into the world (good energy) is coming back to you with interest.  This is a good time to start planning long term in regards to finances.  Dream play be inventive: childlike.

You are looking for an agent for your screenplay. Creative seeds planted will begin to sprout.  There's a message regarding employment.  You might initiate a project that's completed by someone else.  You're getting recognition.  New opportunities appear out of the blue.  Something you've applied for, you will get.

Well, I wonder what I've applied for will be coming true for me?  I find it fascinating that it literally said I am looking for an agent for my screenplay.  Well, I am between reps.  All of these next steps point towards something great happening that will be lucrative.  I'm staying true and I'm continuing to work hard.  I can see that representation is on the horizon.  So is getting my stuff out there.  I'm just writing to make sure that I am ready for it when it comes.

Queen of Penticles

A woman with dark hair and dark eyes.  You will be spending time, energy and money on your home making it comfortable.  People will be looking to you for insight and/or advice.  This is a period of time where you can get a lot accomplished.  You are likely to make great headway now.  A woman with dark hair and eyes will be an ally.  If possible, bring items from your home life into your work space.  Your prosperity level is very likely to be increasing.  Don't hesitate to spend some of your new found wealth.  Saving is important, but spending when you have the means to do so is equally important as well.  Share what you have.  It is critical that you trust yourself.

There is a protective go-getter of a woman coming into your life.  You like practical, tangible solutions. You're building on your achievements.  You're happiest in your personal space surrounded by the things you love.  When paired with the 10 of Pentacles, expect a dramatic increase in income.

Well, there's a woman coming.  And this woman I met had dark hair, dark eyes, and dark circles.  I am sharing a lot lately.  My experience especially.  For me it's important.  I have insight and advice and it seems like people are listening.  That's a good thing because I feel it's in direct correlation to what I am getting done.  I am inspired by talking to people and that has made me more productive.  It feels like this reading is a lot about productivity.  It's about spiritual, material, and creative abundance.  I am ready for someone to come into my life to take charge and to bring opportunity.  The important thing to remember, that I feel a lot of my friends with representation don't remember, is that they are the captains of their own ship.  Even when it feels like the guys in white lab coats know more than we do.  

Looking at this reading a second time and really adding a lot more of the information from the other interpretation of cards that's more masculine in energy really has helped.  I think I was so overwhelmed and tired the first time around that I didn't pay as much attention to the information on the website.  I found so much more this time around.  But it is exhausting going through this.  I will have to go through it again in the morning since I just spent two and a half hours on this.  It was a great use of my energy, but I can feel myself fading.  There will be more to come in another post.

I am grateful for spiritual insights.
I am grateful for the money to come.
I am grateful for productivity.
I am grateful to be able to contemplate my journey.
I am grateful for mentors in my life.
I am grateful for the opportunity to mentor others.
I am grateful for my exercise regimen.
I am grateful for friends and supporters.
I am grateful that these messages are unfolding rapidly.
I am grateful for this information.