Denial as a Default

Funny: the things we return to time and time again. Denial's one of those things for me. When I get into a relationship, eventually I start denying myself certain things in service to the other person. I've got to fix that.

I'm waking up between 7-7:30 am these days. And I'm going to bed around midnight or 1 AM at the latest. That's my natural state. Seven hours of sleep is my natural state. Waking up early and getting my day started right away is my natural state. The Drummer is a night owl because he's a musician and likes to go to bed around 3 AM or later. It always bothered him that we weren't on the same schedule and I thought that was fascinating. I wrote it off as him making a big deal out of nothing. But to him, it was major. It said a lot about our compatibility. But what regular person keeps that sort of schedule. I had no problem with him going to bed at one time and me at another. But I did compromise when it came to waking up. I didn't get up earlier than 10 AM. I had a schedule that could support that. And I managed to get a lot done in my schedule. But it never felt natural. I denied myself my natural state.

I stopped asking for the things I needed. I needed better sex. I needed more kissing and passion, not just jerking off side by side. We weren't buddies. We were boyfriends. I needed someone who was more open with himself and more vulnerable. I had someone who looked right, who said the right things and who did enough of the right things to be seen as a good guy. And, in truth, that's a hell of a lot better than the Ex was after our break up (We have since reconciled and the Ex asked to make amends with me about six months ago after being sober for two years and counting).

I told myself that it wasn't as bad as the situation before that. Maybe that's why I stuck around. It was a low grade level of not perfect. It wasn't drag down fights and door slamming and shoe throwing. It was a quieter separation. It was a gradual dying. And now as the days continue to add up and separate us even further, it's clear that so much was wrong between us. 

In the next few weeks and months, I guess I should figure out why denial is my default. This is the luxurious time to do work on myself. But the truth is every day, even when in a relationship, should be an opportunity to do some outpatient work. Right now, I'm in full on inpatient care. But when I'm done with the more intensive work, I need to check in with myself every day and not fall back into denial. I need awareness to be my default.

I am grateful for the break up.

I am grateful for new awareness that's coming.

I am grateful for the loneliness that teaches me about what I really want.

I am grateful that I know how to take care of myself.