I started this blog five years ago as a response to a break up. And I return to this blog after almost a year of not posting after a break up. The Drummer and I are no more. I come here to write about my life away from my creative life. I have another blog for that. But this is a refuge for me because I am not posting about this break up on Facebook. I am calling and texting friends individually to let them know what's going on with me.
As I reflect on this latest break up and as I grab coffee with friends to chat about my feelings, I realize how different things are this time around. I started the year on a cleanse from meat and alcohol. I went on a cleanse shortly after the other break up because I needed to shed myself of things I didn't need. And in the anticipation to this break up, I guess subconsciously I felt like I needed to do the same thing. I'd like to give up booze, cigs and meat forever. The truth is that I hope to give up alcohol and cigarettes. I'd like to stop eating meat and animal products, but even just taking a break from them for at least a month is going to be totally helpful. The reason I did the cleanse the first time was to get rid of things I didn't need. To live simply.
For the past year, it has been clear to me that I was carrying anywhere between 20-30 pounds I didn't need. My friends would say that I look great. And I still think I manage to look nice. But it's never about looks for me. I love detoxing. I love every time I get rid of waste. I feel like I am purifying myself every time I get rid of something that's unnecessary. I could handle being 145-150 pounds with my frame without looking too skinny. I'm not going to set a certain time frame or a certain goal to shed weight. But I'm just going to start getting rid of things I don't need like stress, excess noise, tobacco, alcohol, meat, fake friends, etc. And we'll see what happens when I start letting go. What else will fall away? The truth is that I prefer the feeling of being hungry to being totally stuffed. Does that mean I have an eating disorder? Or does that mean that my inclination is towards pure necessity? Oh, who knows?
My friend Susan and I had a conversation today and she said something really profound. She knew a woman who was a little psychic who told her that she saw a rocket waiting to take off, but it didn't have a place to take off from. The area was cluttered. Susan shared this story with me as a way to support the fact that I was clearing the clutter in order for my rocket to take off. And it's true. The rocket has been revving up to go all year. And the rocket has been letting me know that it's ready to take off in 2016 because I've already got some things lined up and at the ready for the beginning of the year. I've got projects to work on, I'm teaching and some other job possibilities might be coming up. So I'm clearing that launch pad so I can take off. She also said to be careful of cluttering it up with other things, so I'm trying to be mindful of that as well.
I'm doing fine. I'm trying to reach out to friends. I didn't disconnect from my friendships like I did last time. I am active in my friends' lives. I have an active creative community. Things are all good. I'm staying busy and active. I do need to hit the gym a little bit harder these days. But other than that, I'm getting my self together.
And I'm still in shock. It hasn't been very long. So I'm sure other emotions will be creeping up.
I am grateful to be back.
I am grateful that I didn't stray too far from myself.
I am grateful that I know what's best for me.
I am grateful that life has taken a new turn.
I am grateful to have a little less stress in my life.
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