Now I've changed my workout routine so that I can run into the Handsome Brit every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm at the gym. And I still haven't had the guts to find out if he's gay or straight and if he'd go out to drinks with me.
This was today's interaction:
First of all, I had a brilliant workout this morning. Chest and Back. I pushed up. I pulled down. I did it all. And I was sore at the end.
So when I finish up I get shower and come back into the locker room. And there he is, the Handsome Brit. Looking adorable and clean. We chatted it up a bit. He told me about his busy weekend which was packed. I told him about my weekend, which was delightfully not. I did mention that I met up with some mates for cocktails at Cecconi's.
NOTE: I'm noticing that I'm starting to speak with a bit of a British lilt here, which I made the mistake of doing once when I went in for a job interview. I think it's just a nervous thing, but half way through the interview with these Brits where I would come on board as their writers' assistant, I started saying things like "cheerio." I didn't get the job because they thought I was mocking them, I'm sure.
HB mentions that he went shooting this weekend, which he's starting to get into. So that's when I start to wonder if he is gay or just British. Hopefully both. Then he mentions he went to a few clubs over the weekend. I asked him where and he said he went to The Colony, which might lean towards straight. I know, I'm sixteen years old, I like a guy and I'm trying to figure out which side he butters his bread on. Aren't I past this?
He's just super foxy and I'm being a baby. He has seen me twice without my shirt on and a towel wrapped around myself. Hopefully that's not turning him off.
I also imagine that maybe he has his own blog where he's writing about the Strange Ethnically Ambiguous Mulatto he runs into at the gym from time to time.
"Saw the SEAM today. What an odd duck."
I probably like the drama, but I would like even more to grab a beer somewhere. What's stopping me? I clearly have no problem picking up guys at the gym. Maybe he's the fantasy guy I've never been with yet. He's British, cheeky, blond, and probably pretty funny. He fancies a Pimm's Cup. Has a cute scrunchy expression on his face like Hugh Grant.
I think he's too good for me.
Well, for that reason alone I need to make a move. Okay...tune in on Wednesday. I'm going on and I'm going to report back.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wishes Come True
I got my secret not so secret wish today when I was out.
I ran into the ex.
But I didn't know it. I was out at the restaurant we used to go to all of the time with my friends Steve, Cynthia and Anna for a civilized afternoon cocktail. Then we went up the street for a not so civilized excursion to the gayborhood. It was there, that I ran into the ex. But I didn't realize it because I was talking to my friends and fully engaged in our conversation.
It wasn't until we got to the bar, that my friend Steve admitted to me that he saw my ex with another friend of ours when we passed by the ATM machine. The ex saw me and turned around immediately (much like Miranda in the Sex and the City Season Two Finale when she runs into Steve and runs off). He told our friend that he saw me and the friend looked over as well. I didn't have a clue.
Once I made sure with Steve that I looked good and happy, I realized that I was happy he didn't see me and that we didn't have any sort of confrontation. As long as I looked good, I didn't really care. Yes, I've been making sure I look good when I go out in all of the usual places. But I didn't want to be caught off guard.
I know I haven't moved on. But I also know that this sighting is helping me to. Because not only did I look good and happy. I am good and happy. And that's a better feeling than realizing that the ex boyfriend saw me that way.
I ran into the ex.
But I didn't know it. I was out at the restaurant we used to go to all of the time with my friends Steve, Cynthia and Anna for a civilized afternoon cocktail. Then we went up the street for a not so civilized excursion to the gayborhood. It was there, that I ran into the ex. But I didn't realize it because I was talking to my friends and fully engaged in our conversation.
It wasn't until we got to the bar, that my friend Steve admitted to me that he saw my ex with another friend of ours when we passed by the ATM machine. The ex saw me and turned around immediately (much like Miranda in the Sex and the City Season Two Finale when she runs into Steve and runs off). He told our friend that he saw me and the friend looked over as well. I didn't have a clue.
Once I made sure with Steve that I looked good and happy, I realized that I was happy he didn't see me and that we didn't have any sort of confrontation. As long as I looked good, I didn't really care. Yes, I've been making sure I look good when I go out in all of the usual places. But I didn't want to be caught off guard.
I know I haven't moved on. But I also know that this sighting is helping me to. Because not only did I look good and happy. I am good and happy. And that's a better feeling than realizing that the ex boyfriend saw me that way.
Everything I Learned About Relationships I Know From TV
Back to my favorite source of relationship wisdom, SEX AND THE CITY.
I was writing yesterday and watching episodes from Season Two (a season I don't visit very often) in between the bursts of creative imagination. Charlotte said something that was really sad if it's true:
"It takes half the amount of time you were in a relationship to get over it."
Does that mean that I'll be ready to move on on May 1st, 2013? That is depressing.
I feel like I'm in the longest labor of my life. I'm getting ready to give birth to the new me and I'm constantly having to remind myself to breathe through the pain. As the now 12 (thank you) followers of this blog know, I am in whatever numbered step in my recovery of getting over my ex in which you think about them all of the time.
Here are the shameful things I've done that I'm only admitting to my small circle of followers (thank God I'm not more popular):
Last Friday, my best friend and I walked by our old place after having dinner in the neighborhood. She offered to throw her leftovers at the front door. That's why I love her. She only didn't do it because even though we've been friends since I was 11, I didn't want us to act like we were. I also refused her offer to paper his house.
I drove by earlier that week when I was in the neighborhood and noticed his car in the drive way at 6 PM, which for his business is during business hours.
I've been having these dreams where we're back together. He calls me "dear." He used to call me dear all of the time.
He's often one of my first thoughts when I wake up in the morning.
I tell myself that I just need to breathe through it. It's part of the process. I'm romanticizing things. I thought that when I walked out the door that I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit. When I was younger and I went through breakups, it was awful. I would call the guy or sometimes get back together with him. It tore me apart.
Thankfully now that I'm older, I don't have the same issue. I haven't called him. I haven't really gotten to the point where I've wanted to. I'm at least mature enough to realize that would be a bad move. But I'm about to meet a friend for a drink at our old neighborhood restaurant. I look good. But I'm concern that it's starting to mean too much to me that I look good in case I run into him.
Carrie kept seeing guys that she thought were Big, right after their first big breakup. And she cared way too much. I hope I'm not like Carrie. At least in this case.
I was writing yesterday and watching episodes from Season Two (a season I don't visit very often) in between the bursts of creative imagination. Charlotte said something that was really sad if it's true:
"It takes half the amount of time you were in a relationship to get over it."
Does that mean that I'll be ready to move on on May 1st, 2013? That is depressing.
I feel like I'm in the longest labor of my life. I'm getting ready to give birth to the new me and I'm constantly having to remind myself to breathe through the pain. As the now 12 (thank you) followers of this blog know, I am in whatever numbered step in my recovery of getting over my ex in which you think about them all of the time.
Here are the shameful things I've done that I'm only admitting to my small circle of followers (thank God I'm not more popular):
Last Friday, my best friend and I walked by our old place after having dinner in the neighborhood. She offered to throw her leftovers at the front door. That's why I love her. She only didn't do it because even though we've been friends since I was 11, I didn't want us to act like we were. I also refused her offer to paper his house.
I drove by earlier that week when I was in the neighborhood and noticed his car in the drive way at 6 PM, which for his business is during business hours.
I've been having these dreams where we're back together. He calls me "dear." He used to call me dear all of the time.
He's often one of my first thoughts when I wake up in the morning.
I tell myself that I just need to breathe through it. It's part of the process. I'm romanticizing things. I thought that when I walked out the door that I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit. When I was younger and I went through breakups, it was awful. I would call the guy or sometimes get back together with him. It tore me apart.
Thankfully now that I'm older, I don't have the same issue. I haven't called him. I haven't really gotten to the point where I've wanted to. I'm at least mature enough to realize that would be a bad move. But I'm about to meet a friend for a drink at our old neighborhood restaurant. I look good. But I'm concern that it's starting to mean too much to me that I look good in case I run into him.
Carrie kept seeing guys that she thought were Big, right after their first big breakup. And she cared way too much. I hope I'm not like Carrie. At least in this case.
Friday, March 25, 2011
So Now What?
I'm back!
Wait, let me say that louder:
I'M BACK
I'M BACK.
I'M BACK!!!!!!!!
So now what?
Is this the time in Sprockets where we dance?
I have reached some exhaustion in terms of talking and thinking about the ex-boyfriend. Although he has been coming up in my dreams lately. Probably because I've been talking about him so much!
I went to an event for the entertainment alumni association for the university where I did my undergraduate studies. Crazy. And I was with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a long time. We went to school together, but she also knew my ex because she used to work for the company he used to be a part of. So we go way, way back. And she knew about the issues going on in the relationship. And then we went through the whole breakup in graphic detail.
I had also done this last Saturday at the art show. I had to stand there talking to a friend of his and go on and on about how it's better. And I listened to his advice and I nodded. And even then, I thought, "I can't do this anymore."
Which is coincidentally how I felt when I broke up with the ex.
So onto Chapter 2 or 4 or 7 or 10.
And what is that exactly?
I just watched a You Tube Video that a friend shared that seemed like a joke. But it was this guy, this "poet" (I use the term loosely) who has this collection coming out called CHELSEA BOY. And it's all about how it's an experience and not a label. And he read excerpts from his book of poetry. It's all so strange and I'm convinced that it's a joke. But if it's not...then I need to get to writing. If this guy can public a collection of POEMS about being a DRUG USER, PARTIER, SUPERFICIAL CHELSEA BOY, then I can do more. With this blog. With my other writing projects.
I've been incredibly proactive since I broke up with the ex. It was just what the doctor ordered. :) I have been setting up drinks with agents, writing in all of my free time, trying to put into action the next step. And in thinking about that, I feel I need some more structure to this blog. I'm not sure what form that's going to take.
I'm going to keep writing it, my trusty 11 followers. But for me, it needs to have more of a format. It needs to be more than JUST the ramblings of a single man living in Los Angeles. Maybe that's because my life needs to now take on more of a format. I broke up with a guy. I felt the freedom that came with that - the thrill and exhilaration. And now I'm left with my life, which has been seeming pretty boring lately. I'm glad that I'm working out and that I'm getting my body in order. And I certainly have order there. But now I want more.
Not sure what that is yet. Stay tuned.
I feel like this is the end of a BIGGEST LOSER episode.
"Next, see the Biggest Loser Transformation Moment..."
Next time you see me America, I'll be the Blog I've always wanted to be.
Wait, let me say that louder:
I'M BACK
I'M BACK.
I'M BACK!!!!!!!!
So now what?
Is this the time in Sprockets where we dance?
I have reached some exhaustion in terms of talking and thinking about the ex-boyfriend. Although he has been coming up in my dreams lately. Probably because I've been talking about him so much!
I went to an event for the entertainment alumni association for the university where I did my undergraduate studies. Crazy. And I was with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a long time. We went to school together, but she also knew my ex because she used to work for the company he used to be a part of. So we go way, way back. And she knew about the issues going on in the relationship. And then we went through the whole breakup in graphic detail.
I had also done this last Saturday at the art show. I had to stand there talking to a friend of his and go on and on about how it's better. And I listened to his advice and I nodded. And even then, I thought, "I can't do this anymore."
Which is coincidentally how I felt when I broke up with the ex.
So onto Chapter 2 or 4 or 7 or 10.
And what is that exactly?
I just watched a You Tube Video that a friend shared that seemed like a joke. But it was this guy, this "poet" (I use the term loosely) who has this collection coming out called CHELSEA BOY. And it's all about how it's an experience and not a label. And he read excerpts from his book of poetry. It's all so strange and I'm convinced that it's a joke. But if it's not...then I need to get to writing. If this guy can public a collection of POEMS about being a DRUG USER, PARTIER, SUPERFICIAL CHELSEA BOY, then I can do more. With this blog. With my other writing projects.
I've been incredibly proactive since I broke up with the ex. It was just what the doctor ordered. :) I have been setting up drinks with agents, writing in all of my free time, trying to put into action the next step. And in thinking about that, I feel I need some more structure to this blog. I'm not sure what form that's going to take.
I'm going to keep writing it, my trusty 11 followers. But for me, it needs to have more of a format. It needs to be more than JUST the ramblings of a single man living in Los Angeles. Maybe that's because my life needs to now take on more of a format. I broke up with a guy. I felt the freedom that came with that - the thrill and exhilaration. And now I'm left with my life, which has been seeming pretty boring lately. I'm glad that I'm working out and that I'm getting my body in order. And I certainly have order there. But now I want more.
Not sure what that is yet. Stay tuned.
I feel like this is the end of a BIGGEST LOSER episode.
"Next, see the Biggest Loser Transformation Moment..."
Next time you see me America, I'll be the Blog I've always wanted to be.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A Friendly Reminder
I had drinks with my friend Bradley last night, who's an agent in town. We get together usually once or twice a year just to catch up and really for me to make yet another pitch to him why I should be his client. Yes, it could be perceived as desperate. And usually, it is.
But last night was actually good. It was good to touch base with Bradley since he hasn't seen me since the breakup. And we were catching up, but he kept saying, "This is about you." Whenever we went on a tangent, he would keep bringing it back to me and what I want. And over the years where we would do this annual event, this is the first time I was really clear about what I wanted and how to get it.
There's something inside of me that's not holding back. Even in saying how much I'm missing my ex, but I think that's even happening for a reason. He's in my face, in my dreams, in my thoughts all of the time so I can affirm to myself EVERY DAY - "that was not the right relationship for me. I'm in a much better place now. And this is where I need to stay." It's a Daily Reminder. And for that, I have to be grateful because I need to think of it and reaffirm my commitment to myself every day. It's like I'm an alcoholic. Well, I'm a [my ex's name]-aholic.
And like Bradley always does, he motivates me. And he shared some great info on a show that's looking for writers on my level. And he's reading my material. And he didn't try to pass me off on someone else this time, which I think is more a reflection on me than on him. I wasn't putting it all out there before. And now I'm am putting it ALL out there, even the kitchen sink. Because that's the only way I'm going to gain big.
And I do need more people saying to me, "You look great. You look so much better." That's exactly what I need to hear right now.
But last night was actually good. It was good to touch base with Bradley since he hasn't seen me since the breakup. And we were catching up, but he kept saying, "This is about you." Whenever we went on a tangent, he would keep bringing it back to me and what I want. And over the years where we would do this annual event, this is the first time I was really clear about what I wanted and how to get it.
There's something inside of me that's not holding back. Even in saying how much I'm missing my ex, but I think that's even happening for a reason. He's in my face, in my dreams, in my thoughts all of the time so I can affirm to myself EVERY DAY - "that was not the right relationship for me. I'm in a much better place now. And this is where I need to stay." It's a Daily Reminder. And for that, I have to be grateful because I need to think of it and reaffirm my commitment to myself every day. It's like I'm an alcoholic. Well, I'm a [my ex's name]-aholic.
And like Bradley always does, he motivates me. And he shared some great info on a show that's looking for writers on my level. And he's reading my material. And he didn't try to pass me off on someone else this time, which I think is more a reflection on me than on him. I wasn't putting it all out there before. And now I'm am putting it ALL out there, even the kitchen sink. Because that's the only way I'm going to gain big.
And I do need more people saying to me, "You look great. You look so much better." That's exactly what I need to hear right now.
The Handsome Brit Returns!
I had stopped going to my regular gym in the mornings because my favorite, Handsome Brit, had suddenly disappeared. If you remember several posts back, we had this thing going. He came to work out with his trainer on Monday/Wednesday/Friday while I was working out by myself. Then I skipped a few days and by the time I returned, he was GONE! Heartbroken, I kept telling myself. He couldn't bare to see the place where I once squatted, lunged and pressed.
But I told myself, if it was meant to be...if WE were meant to be, then Lover would come back to Me! Another incentive for me to stop going to the other gym was that I ran into my ex's best friend and my former workout partner with my ex's assistant. It was just annoying.
So I started going to the gym near my office, which is actually much nicer in the mornings. There's easy parking and the guys are all hot. They are all STRAIGHT, but I need something to look at in the morning.
Like this morning, for example, there was the hottest guy (blond, model face, thick pouty lips and pecs). I wanted to lick the sweat off of those pecs. He was breakfast, lunch, dinner and my midnight snack. Halleloo! And he was wearing these tight little speedos because he was swimming outside. He kept rubbing himself. Then he started doing stretches in the sauna so I could see his ass. Then he pressed up against the wall and raised his arm over his head so I could see his yummy manicured arm pits...it was porn. This guy knew exactly what he was doing and what he was doing was giving me bone. It was borderline inappropriate, but completely welcomed. And when he left, he smiled at me.
And now that I'm this new assertive me, I looked back. I smiled. I flirted. I followed him out.
Wait. Now I'm thinking that this new assertive me is a stalker. When did I cross over into stalkerland?
Anyway, so before I followed out Speedo guy, I ran into my Handsome Brit. I was coming out of the shower and he walked past me. "Wait, is that...? Could it be? Are we supposed to...FATE! It's fate!"
So I went back to the bathroom (classy), where he was washing his hands and I pretended to run into him randomly again. He is still charming and he still is sweet. I still haven't been able to open my mouth enough to suggest we grab a drink. But he looked better than I remember. Maybe it was the bathroom lighting at the Universal LA Fitness. Maybe it's that I've been on this cleanse and everything looks better to me. Maybe it's just that I haven't been properly laid since my breakup and I had previous morning wood going on from our friend, Speedo Guy.
But I gotta hit that. And soon, before the window closes.
But I told myself, if it was meant to be...if WE were meant to be, then Lover would come back to Me! Another incentive for me to stop going to the other gym was that I ran into my ex's best friend and my former workout partner with my ex's assistant. It was just annoying.
So I started going to the gym near my office, which is actually much nicer in the mornings. There's easy parking and the guys are all hot. They are all STRAIGHT, but I need something to look at in the morning.
Like this morning, for example, there was the hottest guy (blond, model face, thick pouty lips and pecs). I wanted to lick the sweat off of those pecs. He was breakfast, lunch, dinner and my midnight snack. Halleloo! And he was wearing these tight little speedos because he was swimming outside. He kept rubbing himself. Then he started doing stretches in the sauna so I could see his ass. Then he pressed up against the wall and raised his arm over his head so I could see his yummy manicured arm pits...it was porn. This guy knew exactly what he was doing and what he was doing was giving me bone. It was borderline inappropriate, but completely welcomed. And when he left, he smiled at me.
And now that I'm this new assertive me, I looked back. I smiled. I flirted. I followed him out.
Wait. Now I'm thinking that this new assertive me is a stalker. When did I cross over into stalkerland?
Anyway, so before I followed out Speedo guy, I ran into my Handsome Brit. I was coming out of the shower and he walked past me. "Wait, is that...? Could it be? Are we supposed to...FATE! It's fate!"
So I went back to the bathroom (classy), where he was washing his hands and I pretended to run into him randomly again. He is still charming and he still is sweet. I still haven't been able to open my mouth enough to suggest we grab a drink. But he looked better than I remember. Maybe it was the bathroom lighting at the Universal LA Fitness. Maybe it's that I've been on this cleanse and everything looks better to me. Maybe it's just that I haven't been properly laid since my breakup and I had previous morning wood going on from our friend, Speedo Guy.
But I gotta hit that. And soon, before the window closes.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Power of Words
The Kabbalists believe that you only get a certain amount of words in your life and when they've run out, you're done. Like Twitter. I say this as I type more words as fast I can.
I believe the lesson is to choose your words carefully. They carry great power. Words reveal the little messages we send to ourselves every day. There are lots of negative messages we send to ourselves every day that really color how we feel about ourselves.
I'm trying to eat cleaner and I'm trying to live and act cleaner as well. It's a real journey, this whole cleanse thing. It has left me with a consciousness that I didn't really have before. An awareness. And that has lead to living in the moment. If I'm constantly paying attention to what I'm doing and choosing actively and carefully, I'm living in the moment.
And for me, since I am a wordsmith, it starts with words. My words are the gateway to my soul.
I believe the lesson is to choose your words carefully. They carry great power. Words reveal the little messages we send to ourselves every day. There are lots of negative messages we send to ourselves every day that really color how we feel about ourselves.
I'm trying to eat cleaner and I'm trying to live and act cleaner as well. It's a real journey, this whole cleanse thing. It has left me with a consciousness that I didn't really have before. An awareness. And that has lead to living in the moment. If I'm constantly paying attention to what I'm doing and choosing actively and carefully, I'm living in the moment.
And for me, since I am a wordsmith, it starts with words. My words are the gateway to my soul.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Cleanse: Day Twenty-One (recap)
I should have written this yesterday. Yesterday was the end of this cleanse. But I was cooking yesterday. I made a roast chicken and turkey meatballs.
I feel equipped. I can handle my health now. If I did nothing else and just gave up caffeine, that would be a huge accomplishment. This cleanse is teaching me to cut back on things I thought were okay or healthy for me. One big thing is the preservatives. My body does not need all of that crap going into it.
I have control over my body. I have a great routine going. Monday, Wednesday and Friday's I'm at the gym in the mornings lifting. Tuesday and Thursday, I'm at the gym running. Although I think I might switch that up and go for morning runs near my office for the next two weeks to see how that feels. I feel like I need to run outside. I can run for longer that way. And Monday and Wednesday nights, I have hip hop class. I'm also trying to give myself more of a break on the weekends from working out. Except for my 1 1/2 hour yoga class, which I love with my friend Nicole.
I do want to find a kickboxing class or a place where I can train. I might want to start boxing. Isn't that weird? I'm finding this inner tough guy. I already found my inner top years ago, so it just makes sense that my inner top now wants to box.
And because I love it, it would be great to find another class where I can really take ballet technique, just because that sort of discipline is great. I think this is all starting to have a great effect on my focus and discipline in other areas. It is really making a huge difference.
That's the gift of a cleanse. It allows me to get rigorous about a routine for a set period of time. Then I can say, great! I'm keeping this, but I still want to do this. And then the next cleanse, maybe I pick up another good habit. Or maybe the cleanse inspires me to pick up other things I've always wanted to do. It no longer feels like this strict lifestyle. It's just what I want to do to live better.
When the ex and I were together and I had to go out of town for work or I was away somewhere by myself, my instinct was always to do something healthy. I'd work out every day. I'd go on runs. Sure I'd drink and smoke, because that was part of the socializing. But I tried to fit in time for myself. Now I'm LIVING time for myself. All my time is my own. And it's important for me to find a groove where I can build a lifestyle that's healthy for me, not just do it for four days straight while on vacation or away. The more I add these things to my life, the less room there is for the less productive stuff.
No empty calories. That's a big thing I'm taking away. Don't waste good energy on useless shit. That potato chip, that cookie isn't doing anything for me. That abusive relationship, that nasty conversation, that person who doesn't realize how special I am - not doing anything. I don't need to waste my time and good energy convincing people to like me in work or in life. I just need to do my work and let the results show. The masses will follow.
Starting new habits. It only takes 21 days.
I feel equipped. I can handle my health now. If I did nothing else and just gave up caffeine, that would be a huge accomplishment. This cleanse is teaching me to cut back on things I thought were okay or healthy for me. One big thing is the preservatives. My body does not need all of that crap going into it.
I have control over my body. I have a great routine going. Monday, Wednesday and Friday's I'm at the gym in the mornings lifting. Tuesday and Thursday, I'm at the gym running. Although I think I might switch that up and go for morning runs near my office for the next two weeks to see how that feels. I feel like I need to run outside. I can run for longer that way. And Monday and Wednesday nights, I have hip hop class. I'm also trying to give myself more of a break on the weekends from working out. Except for my 1 1/2 hour yoga class, which I love with my friend Nicole.
I do want to find a kickboxing class or a place where I can train. I might want to start boxing. Isn't that weird? I'm finding this inner tough guy. I already found my inner top years ago, so it just makes sense that my inner top now wants to box.
And because I love it, it would be great to find another class where I can really take ballet technique, just because that sort of discipline is great. I think this is all starting to have a great effect on my focus and discipline in other areas. It is really making a huge difference.
That's the gift of a cleanse. It allows me to get rigorous about a routine for a set period of time. Then I can say, great! I'm keeping this, but I still want to do this. And then the next cleanse, maybe I pick up another good habit. Or maybe the cleanse inspires me to pick up other things I've always wanted to do. It no longer feels like this strict lifestyle. It's just what I want to do to live better.
When the ex and I were together and I had to go out of town for work or I was away somewhere by myself, my instinct was always to do something healthy. I'd work out every day. I'd go on runs. Sure I'd drink and smoke, because that was part of the socializing. But I tried to fit in time for myself. Now I'm LIVING time for myself. All my time is my own. And it's important for me to find a groove where I can build a lifestyle that's healthy for me, not just do it for four days straight while on vacation or away. The more I add these things to my life, the less room there is for the less productive stuff.
No empty calories. That's a big thing I'm taking away. Don't waste good energy on useless shit. That potato chip, that cookie isn't doing anything for me. That abusive relationship, that nasty conversation, that person who doesn't realize how special I am - not doing anything. I don't need to waste my time and good energy convincing people to like me in work or in life. I just need to do my work and let the results show. The masses will follow.
Starting new habits. It only takes 21 days.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
This Ain't Just About Lent
I love the energy that I have now that I've been doing this cleanse. So, as I've said, the caffeine is going.
I won't be so thoughtless about sugar. I've never been the cupcakes, cookies, brownies guy. But I'm the guy who loves condiments, sauces and used to put sugar in his coffee. So I'll watch that.
And in terms of things that break down into sugar, pasta will be an occasional thing. I'm going to slow down on the potatoes, unless they're amazing pomme frites or in a gratin. Special occasions.
Booze, my old friend. Well, considering that since the break up I've been drinking less often (not less when I do drink, however), I should be okay. I'm no longer drinking to cope and I'm no longer drinking because the social calendar is full and I'm out to dinner a few nights a week. I have a couple of drinks scheduled this week, and I think one drink should be fine. But I'm going to try and drink less, again not be so thoughtless about it.
I miss meatballs. So since I won't be eating as much red meat, I will use turkey for my meatballs. I think the deli turkey has too much sodium. And when I want a great steak, I won't stop myself. Bacon is nice - so once in a while I'm going to indulge. And there's a homemade sausage recipe I'm itching to try, so that will be in my future. But meat will be about having meat. It'll be about showcasing a meat flavor I want to have. But it won't be filler and it won't be an afterthought. I can't make a bolognaise with turkey. That doesn't work. Fish will also make a comeback in my diet.
I will find new uses for quinoa. I had quinoa as a replacement for sushi rice in a roll at a vegan restaurant yesterday. That was inventive and yummy.
Beans are good. I had a wonderful cannellini bean dish that I made and totally hoovered. I love my black beans and I continue to put them in everything from salads to tostadas to my black bean veggie burgers. Those will be making a major comeback as well. I haven't had them on my cleanse and I love them.
Salads are forever a big thing for me.
Cheese is going to be a challenge. I love it. So where I need it I will use it. Pizza, enchiladas, lasagna - those things for me need cheese. But my hamburgers are fine without it. I love feta in a salad. And I love cheese plates. But I'll try to curb the cheese where I can. Yogurt I like.
I'm experimenting with things like sprouted grain tortillas and breads. I love the sprouted grain corn tortillas and the wheat ones are good too. I like those to make thin quick pizzas with because they tend to be on the hard and stiff side, perfect for a think crust. The breads I'll try out. I don't eat a lot of bread, but I do love a tuna sandwich.
My friend Nicole made a good point about her friend's child who is a vegan. This kid has a wider palate because they need to find more options to feed this kid. So it's not just about giving them a hamburger, hot dog or some chicken strips. It's about salads and grains and different ethnic foods to keep it exciting. I love that idea. I'm finding that I'm wanting to explore more cuisines I haven't before because I have to be conscious about finding more options for myself. More variety. That's what keeps it all exciting, right? It'll keep me from being bored, open my mind up to different possibilities and make sure that I stick to this way of living.
But isn't curiosity, excitement, variety and exploration what life's all about anyway?
I won't be so thoughtless about sugar. I've never been the cupcakes, cookies, brownies guy. But I'm the guy who loves condiments, sauces and used to put sugar in his coffee. So I'll watch that.
And in terms of things that break down into sugar, pasta will be an occasional thing. I'm going to slow down on the potatoes, unless they're amazing pomme frites or in a gratin. Special occasions.
Booze, my old friend. Well, considering that since the break up I've been drinking less often (not less when I do drink, however), I should be okay. I'm no longer drinking to cope and I'm no longer drinking because the social calendar is full and I'm out to dinner a few nights a week. I have a couple of drinks scheduled this week, and I think one drink should be fine. But I'm going to try and drink less, again not be so thoughtless about it.
I miss meatballs. So since I won't be eating as much red meat, I will use turkey for my meatballs. I think the deli turkey has too much sodium. And when I want a great steak, I won't stop myself. Bacon is nice - so once in a while I'm going to indulge. And there's a homemade sausage recipe I'm itching to try, so that will be in my future. But meat will be about having meat. It'll be about showcasing a meat flavor I want to have. But it won't be filler and it won't be an afterthought. I can't make a bolognaise with turkey. That doesn't work. Fish will also make a comeback in my diet.
I will find new uses for quinoa. I had quinoa as a replacement for sushi rice in a roll at a vegan restaurant yesterday. That was inventive and yummy.
Beans are good. I had a wonderful cannellini bean dish that I made and totally hoovered. I love my black beans and I continue to put them in everything from salads to tostadas to my black bean veggie burgers. Those will be making a major comeback as well. I haven't had them on my cleanse and I love them.
Salads are forever a big thing for me.
Cheese is going to be a challenge. I love it. So where I need it I will use it. Pizza, enchiladas, lasagna - those things for me need cheese. But my hamburgers are fine without it. I love feta in a salad. And I love cheese plates. But I'll try to curb the cheese where I can. Yogurt I like.
I'm experimenting with things like sprouted grain tortillas and breads. I love the sprouted grain corn tortillas and the wheat ones are good too. I like those to make thin quick pizzas with because they tend to be on the hard and stiff side, perfect for a think crust. The breads I'll try out. I don't eat a lot of bread, but I do love a tuna sandwich.
My friend Nicole made a good point about her friend's child who is a vegan. This kid has a wider palate because they need to find more options to feed this kid. So it's not just about giving them a hamburger, hot dog or some chicken strips. It's about salads and grains and different ethnic foods to keep it exciting. I love that idea. I'm finding that I'm wanting to explore more cuisines I haven't before because I have to be conscious about finding more options for myself. More variety. That's what keeps it all exciting, right? It'll keep me from being bored, open my mind up to different possibilities and make sure that I stick to this way of living.
But isn't curiosity, excitement, variety and exploration what life's all about anyway?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Cleanse: Day Twenty
The penultimate episode.
So as I mentioned briefly in the last post, my friend Nicole and I took a one hour and 45 minute yoga class today. We're trying to make more time for each other and this yoga class is a good thing. I'm finding that I need to make activity dates with friends because otherwise it's hard to get together. This is a part of her Saturday routine and now I'm a part of it. My friend Susan and I have a similar arrangement for Sunday morning runs, although she's now in SF for six weeks. I have to get my ass up and start doing that on my own.
I don't think I've ever felt my body engage in a yoga class as much as I have today. I know my body's flexible naturally - this is yet another thing about getting older, I have to worry about my flexibility. But I'm also aware that I have to engage my body in ways that keep it from injury. I have a focus in my yoga practice that I haven't had before. Part of that started when Nicole and I went to class a month ago and I took class with a woman who discussed the power of Will (See the Blog titled "Will is a Powerful Thing). That has stuck with me since then. I still haven't mastered Crow pose, but that seems like something I want to do. And a headstand is on my list as well.
I'm feeling leaner than I have in a long time. I'm feeling taller as well, even though I know I haven't grown. My friend Dan told me I got taller (or he told me I was taller than I thought I was). Maybe the breakup has made me taller. My ex is 2 inches shorter than me (but maybe now 3), so perhaps I was always used to appearing shorter.
I don't feel like I'm dying for this cleanse to be over, even though I'd like something creamy. I did have a bit of a hankering for ice cream today. But I need to take the dairy thing very easy. Susan over did it a couple of weeks ago and paid for it. Although I think she's got a lactose thing anyway. I think that's a good way to end this thing. Not where I can't wait for this to be over and I'm counting the minutes.
But I do need to make a plan and a menu eating starting tomorrow. It's going to be a great new beginning. I'm excited to start putting meals together. Because, as we've discussed, I find lots of comfort in food.
So as I mentioned briefly in the last post, my friend Nicole and I took a one hour and 45 minute yoga class today. We're trying to make more time for each other and this yoga class is a good thing. I'm finding that I need to make activity dates with friends because otherwise it's hard to get together. This is a part of her Saturday routine and now I'm a part of it. My friend Susan and I have a similar arrangement for Sunday morning runs, although she's now in SF for six weeks. I have to get my ass up and start doing that on my own.
I don't think I've ever felt my body engage in a yoga class as much as I have today. I know my body's flexible naturally - this is yet another thing about getting older, I have to worry about my flexibility. But I'm also aware that I have to engage my body in ways that keep it from injury. I have a focus in my yoga practice that I haven't had before. Part of that started when Nicole and I went to class a month ago and I took class with a woman who discussed the power of Will (See the Blog titled "Will is a Powerful Thing). That has stuck with me since then. I still haven't mastered Crow pose, but that seems like something I want to do. And a headstand is on my list as well.
I'm feeling leaner than I have in a long time. I'm feeling taller as well, even though I know I haven't grown. My friend Dan told me I got taller (or he told me I was taller than I thought I was). Maybe the breakup has made me taller. My ex is 2 inches shorter than me (but maybe now 3), so perhaps I was always used to appearing shorter.
I don't feel like I'm dying for this cleanse to be over, even though I'd like something creamy. I did have a bit of a hankering for ice cream today. But I need to take the dairy thing very easy. Susan over did it a couple of weeks ago and paid for it. Although I think she's got a lactose thing anyway. I think that's a good way to end this thing. Not where I can't wait for this to be over and I'm counting the minutes.
But I do need to make a plan and a menu eating starting tomorrow. It's going to be a great new beginning. I'm excited to start putting meals together. Because, as we've discussed, I find lots of comfort in food.
Getting Older
I'm pretty sure I'm an old person. I love being in bed at night. Curling up and relaxing, putting my feet up. It's 9:30 pm on a Saturday and I'm ready to go to bed. Seriously. I can't think of any good reason to be up, other than to write my blog entry.
I also like eating early. I would have dinner at 5 pm if I could. I'm a fan of an early bird special.
And now that I'm on this cleanse and I haven't been drinking (haven't even craved a drink the whole time), I am surrendering to the fact that frankly my better feels better and functions better without booze. My friend Nicole and I were taking about it after yoga today. And that does affirm our journey into old age.
I find myself thinking of ways to keep my body and mind functioning so that I'm healthy 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now. Nicole and I did yoga at the studio she goes to. It's great to feel my body do things it couldn't do in college. My friend Tony when he was in town said that yoga has changed his life and that it's the only exercise he does. He's a short little powerhouse, so his body would really bulk up if he lifted. His yoga body looks like everyone else's gym body.
I have to actually do cardio now. I didn't have to do cardio when I was younger. When I was dancing 2 hours a day in college, I couldn't keep weight on. And now I run, take hip hop classes, do yoga and get a little kickboxing in when I can. It's definitely a lot more interesting than just working out.
And getting older has made me care more about my body because I know it doesn't work like it used to. And I basically don't want anything else to break down.
I can't believe I'm thinking of actually giving up booze. And caffeine.
I know I'm trying to slow down the effects of aging. People have been saying that my skin looks the best it has looked in years. And I can't really argue with that. I need to stop taking my body for granted and start taking care of it.
Wow. Can't believe I'm saying that. I sound so old.
I also like eating early. I would have dinner at 5 pm if I could. I'm a fan of an early bird special.
And now that I'm on this cleanse and I haven't been drinking (haven't even craved a drink the whole time), I am surrendering to the fact that frankly my better feels better and functions better without booze. My friend Nicole and I were taking about it after yoga today. And that does affirm our journey into old age.
I find myself thinking of ways to keep my body and mind functioning so that I'm healthy 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now. Nicole and I did yoga at the studio she goes to. It's great to feel my body do things it couldn't do in college. My friend Tony when he was in town said that yoga has changed his life and that it's the only exercise he does. He's a short little powerhouse, so his body would really bulk up if he lifted. His yoga body looks like everyone else's gym body.
I have to actually do cardio now. I didn't have to do cardio when I was younger. When I was dancing 2 hours a day in college, I couldn't keep weight on. And now I run, take hip hop classes, do yoga and get a little kickboxing in when I can. It's definitely a lot more interesting than just working out.
And getting older has made me care more about my body because I know it doesn't work like it used to. And I basically don't want anything else to break down.
I can't believe I'm thinking of actually giving up booze. And caffeine.
I know I'm trying to slow down the effects of aging. People have been saying that my skin looks the best it has looked in years. And I can't really argue with that. I need to stop taking my body for granted and start taking care of it.
Wow. Can't believe I'm saying that. I sound so old.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Cleanse: Day Nineteen
I'm gassy. I actually have been for a while, but waited until Day 19 to tell you. Nothing stinky, just a lot of gas. Someone told me that the psyllium would do that. A lot of trapped air up there.
I went to the movies again at LACMA to see The Umbrellas of Chembourg. I loved it. What's not to? Catherine Deneurve, Michel Legrand's music. The bright colors and the brilliant art direction . It was splendid.
And surrounded by a bunch of strangers. Of course, this did nothing to help my recent fixation on my ex boyfriend. I guess that's natural.
I need to have more to do on the weekends. So I'm going to yoga tomorrow with Nicole. I'll probably go to the gym afterwards and then I've got writing to do. Hopefully, I'll get up early enough to get some writing done first thing in the morning. That would be very nice.
I'm already planning my post cleanse meals next week. I've got lunch on Monday with a friend. Dinner that night. And drinks with someone else on Tuesday. I'm sure there's some sort of treat I'm going to want to give myself. I also have to test the waters slowly to see what I want to put back into my diet. It's all very organized and interesting.
But I also need to spend some time by myself, just really getting used to it again. More movies by my lonesome, I suppose. And museum trips. And theatre trips.
Yeah. Putting the pieces back together.
I went to the movies again at LACMA to see The Umbrellas of Chembourg. I loved it. What's not to? Catherine Deneurve, Michel Legrand's music. The bright colors and the brilliant art direction . It was splendid.
And surrounded by a bunch of strangers. Of course, this did nothing to help my recent fixation on my ex boyfriend. I guess that's natural.
I need to have more to do on the weekends. So I'm going to yoga tomorrow with Nicole. I'll probably go to the gym afterwards and then I've got writing to do. Hopefully, I'll get up early enough to get some writing done first thing in the morning. That would be very nice.
I'm already planning my post cleanse meals next week. I've got lunch on Monday with a friend. Dinner that night. And drinks with someone else on Tuesday. I'm sure there's some sort of treat I'm going to want to give myself. I also have to test the waters slowly to see what I want to put back into my diet. It's all very organized and interesting.
But I also need to spend some time by myself, just really getting used to it again. More movies by my lonesome, I suppose. And museum trips. And theatre trips.
Yeah. Putting the pieces back together.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Cleanse: Days Seventeen and Eighteen
I'm closing in on this thing. Here's a list of the things I've given up:
RED MEAT
TURKEY
PORK
FRIED FOODS
PAN-FRYING FOODS
DAIRY
SUGAR
WHEAT/WHITE FLOUR
CHICKEN
SOY
SEAFOOD
ALCOHOL
TOBACCO
CAFFEINE
Out of the things on that list, what do I think I could continue to live without?
RED MEAT - yes, except for the occasional burger and steak.
TURKEY - yes, cold cuts. But I need turkey meatballs, turkey as a sub for ground beef, and roast turkey on thanksgiving. but I can for sure do without cold cuts.
PORK - no, I love bacon; I love pork chops, pork dumplings, but I don't need them ALL OF THE TIME.
FRIED FOODS - I can definitely cut down, but occasionally I need pomme frites.
PAN-FRYING FOODS - no, I love crisp oil fried things
DAIRY - no, I love cheese, but I don't have to have cheese on EVERYTHING. I love cheeses, but I don't have to have cheeseburgers or cheese on my tacos. Lasagna would be hard to give up.
SUGAR - yes, for the most part
WHEAT/WHITE FLOUR - yes, I could go to sprouted grain breads
CHICKEN - no
SOY - yes
SEAFOOD - no
ALCOHOL - cut down
TOBACCO - yes
CAFFEINE - yes
But my dependence on food to just make me feel better is diminishing. I will be having corned beef on St. Patty's Day because I make a killer corned beef (boil w/ cloves, cinnamon sticks and maybe a little OJ). Roasted brussels instead of cabbage and/or a red cabbage slaw. No potatoes. But sandwiches for sure. great mustard. great horseradish. And homemade corned beef hash and poached eggs for breakfast.
Okay, next subject. I am still on this cleanse.
I think I'm going to walk away from this cleanse taking better care of myself and I hope that will extend into every aspect of my life. Every moment is precious and should not be an empty calorie. If I'm not letting my body process empty calories and expend energy on useless food, then I shouldn't allow the same thing in my life. I know I've been talking the talk alot lately. So how to put that into action?
I have to get out of my head. I have to start doing what I want to do. I have to put myself first. I got rid of the boyfriend, got rid of the old job and started fresh for a reason. I'm not about to put up the same play in a different city. It's a new play, in a new place and time.
I've got three more days. Time to make the most of them. More cardio. More nutrition. More strength training. More writing. More doing.
RED MEAT
TURKEY
PORK
FRIED FOODS
PAN-FRYING FOODS
DAIRY
SUGAR
WHEAT/WHITE FLOUR
CHICKEN
SOY
SEAFOOD
ALCOHOL
TOBACCO
CAFFEINE
Out of the things on that list, what do I think I could continue to live without?
RED MEAT - yes, except for the occasional burger and steak.
TURKEY - yes, cold cuts. But I need turkey meatballs, turkey as a sub for ground beef, and roast turkey on thanksgiving. but I can for sure do without cold cuts.
PORK - no, I love bacon; I love pork chops, pork dumplings, but I don't need them ALL OF THE TIME.
FRIED FOODS - I can definitely cut down, but occasionally I need pomme frites.
PAN-FRYING FOODS - no, I love crisp oil fried things
DAIRY - no, I love cheese, but I don't have to have cheese on EVERYTHING. I love cheeses, but I don't have to have cheeseburgers or cheese on my tacos. Lasagna would be hard to give up.
SUGAR - yes, for the most part
WHEAT/WHITE FLOUR - yes, I could go to sprouted grain breads
CHICKEN - no
SOY - yes
SEAFOOD - no
ALCOHOL - cut down
TOBACCO - yes
CAFFEINE - yes
But my dependence on food to just make me feel better is diminishing. I will be having corned beef on St. Patty's Day because I make a killer corned beef (boil w/ cloves, cinnamon sticks and maybe a little OJ). Roasted brussels instead of cabbage and/or a red cabbage slaw. No potatoes. But sandwiches for sure. great mustard. great horseradish. And homemade corned beef hash and poached eggs for breakfast.
Okay, next subject. I am still on this cleanse.
I think I'm going to walk away from this cleanse taking better care of myself and I hope that will extend into every aspect of my life. Every moment is precious and should not be an empty calorie. If I'm not letting my body process empty calories and expend energy on useless food, then I shouldn't allow the same thing in my life. I know I've been talking the talk alot lately. So how to put that into action?
I have to get out of my head. I have to start doing what I want to do. I have to put myself first. I got rid of the boyfriend, got rid of the old job and started fresh for a reason. I'm not about to put up the same play in a different city. It's a new play, in a new place and time.
I've got three more days. Time to make the most of them. More cardio. More nutrition. More strength training. More writing. More doing.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wednesday's Kick Ass Workout
I'm feeling sexy after my workout this morning. And it's not because I had sex and the gym. Sorry, Howie.
I had the experience of catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and not realizing that was me (for a quick moment).
Yes, my body is looking better than it did before the cleanse. And way better than before the breakup. So on a purely aesthetic level, I'm looking food. But I think what caught me by surprise was how much I looked like an athlete. An athlete is confident, strong, assured, and focused. And you can see it all over his face. So it was my face that looked different.
I pushed hard. It was back and biceps today. So my bi exercises really hurt. I felt it. I struggled with the pull ups and chin ups, but every time I came up, I felt like I flew up on that pull up bar.
I then ran, just for five minutes to get a little cardio in and to keep the heart rate up.
And tonight I've got hip hop class, which I also did on Monday. It just feels so good to be drenched at the end of the work out, whether it's dance class or strength training. And hip hop is just fun and for me. It takes me back to my dance days in college. It's nice to go to dance class and feel like I'm getting the routines and that I'm not ashamed if I don't get it right away (that's how I felt in college all of the time).
So speaking of college days, I actually have the body now that I wish I had when I was in college and dancing. I have strength I didn't have then and focus I didn't have then . My body just wasn't used to movement and being athletic. But at the end of class on Monday, my instructor asked the whole class who would be willing to do a dance competition with other gyms in the area for charity. And my first thought was, "YES! Absolutely!" It's going to be interesting going to rehearsal again and putting together a routine. I haven't rehearsed for a performance in a long time.
I never considered myself an actor. I was in the theatre department in high school and college and loved it. But I knew I didn't have that talent in me. Or at least at the time it felt pretty clear. But when I stepped on to the stage as a dancer, I came alive. Because I didn't feel strong enough then, I didn't feel like it was something I could continue to pursue professionally. I just wasn't at that level and it felt like I had so far to go. But I loved rehearsing. And I loved solving the problem of getting my body to do what the choreographer showed us and what my mind really wanted to achieve.
It's just another way that I'm coming back to myself and it's all because I'm in that gym every day. Or I'm running. Or I'm in class. This is what's going to get me through life, this cleanse and the moments when I doubt myself. I truly understand now what people get from running. It's pretty amazing.
I had the experience of catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and not realizing that was me (for a quick moment).
Yes, my body is looking better than it did before the cleanse. And way better than before the breakup. So on a purely aesthetic level, I'm looking food. But I think what caught me by surprise was how much I looked like an athlete. An athlete is confident, strong, assured, and focused. And you can see it all over his face. So it was my face that looked different.
I pushed hard. It was back and biceps today. So my bi exercises really hurt. I felt it. I struggled with the pull ups and chin ups, but every time I came up, I felt like I flew up on that pull up bar.
I then ran, just for five minutes to get a little cardio in and to keep the heart rate up.
And tonight I've got hip hop class, which I also did on Monday. It just feels so good to be drenched at the end of the work out, whether it's dance class or strength training. And hip hop is just fun and for me. It takes me back to my dance days in college. It's nice to go to dance class and feel like I'm getting the routines and that I'm not ashamed if I don't get it right away (that's how I felt in college all of the time).
So speaking of college days, I actually have the body now that I wish I had when I was in college and dancing. I have strength I didn't have then and focus I didn't have then . My body just wasn't used to movement and being athletic. But at the end of class on Monday, my instructor asked the whole class who would be willing to do a dance competition with other gyms in the area for charity. And my first thought was, "YES! Absolutely!" It's going to be interesting going to rehearsal again and putting together a routine. I haven't rehearsed for a performance in a long time.
I never considered myself an actor. I was in the theatre department in high school and college and loved it. But I knew I didn't have that talent in me. Or at least at the time it felt pretty clear. But when I stepped on to the stage as a dancer, I came alive. Because I didn't feel strong enough then, I didn't feel like it was something I could continue to pursue professionally. I just wasn't at that level and it felt like I had so far to go. But I loved rehearsing. And I loved solving the problem of getting my body to do what the choreographer showed us and what my mind really wanted to achieve.
It's just another way that I'm coming back to myself and it's all because I'm in that gym every day. Or I'm running. Or I'm in class. This is what's going to get me through life, this cleanse and the moments when I doubt myself. I truly understand now what people get from running. It's pretty amazing.
Cleanse: Days Fifteen and Sixteen
I'm starting to realize that temptation is going to be a daily thing. I have never thought of myself as an addict to anything. I've often thought that I am dependent on things, but the word ADDICTION scares me. So does the word ABUSE. And I have to be honest that both of those conditions play a role in my life.
Let's talk about the first one: ADDICTION
One thing that keeps coming up in this cleanse is this notion of comfort. What comforts me? And why do I need to feel comforted constantly? I honest don't think that being comforted is a bad thing. But when it keeps me from pushing forward in my life, then yes, it's a problem. Hence the term "comfort zone." And I'm in that zone whenever I pick up 12 tacos on Taco Tuesday at Del Taco. Or when I rush to get a burrito from my favorite burrito place. Or when I go and get a hamburger because I think that's a compromise - at least I didn't get a pastrami sandwich. Food plays a big part in this, which has been why eating has been a bit of an issue in this cleanse. I'm comforted by the things that remind me of home - the things I used to eat as a kid and Mexican food being one of those things. I am half Mexican and as a Latin kid, my mother has played a big role in making me feel okay when I'm feeling down. In other words, comforting me. I've allowed this to continue my whole life because I've had the good fortune of a strong metabolism, so it's made me lazy and dependent on that. I always think that because I'm not 100 pounds or even 50 pounds over weight that my emotional eating isn't a problem. Well, it is because it keeps me from getting to places I want to be - very slowly on a daily basis. I also love to cook, which is where it gets muddled for me. But I love to cook healthy food as much as food that has more of a caloric content. But this is the major thing: even when I'm cooking "healthy" I'm not paying attention to portions or the amount of oil I put in. The problem is that I am not paying attention.
So where does my ADDICTION come in? I think I'm addicted to comfort. I'm addicted to complements and feeling good because I got so little of that growing up. I had a father who was hard on me and a mother who overcompensated. So it created this dynamic that any time anything hard came along, I rushed to her. And when I grew up and didn't have her, I rushed to the things that reminded me of her. And my fondest memories of my Mom are the things I remember from growing up. From home. And because food was always emotional for her - we ate to cheer up, we ate to celebrate - it was the foods of home that became a source of comfort when I wasn't at home.
And what about this issue of ABUSE? When I was in therapy, I talked about getting hit as a kid. Like a lot of people who have been physically punished, it was always explained to me that it was about discipline. And I believed that. So when I discussed it in therapy, my therapist explained that if I had been a child and was telling him about this behavior, he would have to report it. Because it is now legally considered abuse. And that turned on a light switch for me, I had been abused. No, I had not been bruised or pushed against a wall or had my life threatened. But it was still abuse. And that was hard to stomach. I couldn't even say the word. I understood throughout my life that there was a lot of verbal abuse in my family. That seemed easier to acknowledge. But the physical abuse, that seemed shameful and accusatory. Like I was calling my father an abuser, a bad person. Then another connection I made in my relationship was that I was basically afraid to get hit. So if my ex asked me about something: "why's the milk left out?" or "why are my socks missing?" My immediate response was always, "I didn't do it. That wasn't me. Nothing's wrong!" I was afraid of getting hit. I was afraid of doing something wrong and getting punished. I was afraid of disapproval. I still am, but I hadn't identified it until that moment.
So it's that abuse that has sent me in to the arms of comfort, which eventually and repeatedly I've become addicted to.
And this cleanse has pushed all that up. It's one of the toxins that it has brought up and is forcing out of me. And without my tools of comfort - fat foods, alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine - I have to look under the hood of my life and start getting rid of all the things I've been afraid to deal with.
Let's talk about the first one: ADDICTION
One thing that keeps coming up in this cleanse is this notion of comfort. What comforts me? And why do I need to feel comforted constantly? I honest don't think that being comforted is a bad thing. But when it keeps me from pushing forward in my life, then yes, it's a problem. Hence the term "comfort zone." And I'm in that zone whenever I pick up 12 tacos on Taco Tuesday at Del Taco. Or when I rush to get a burrito from my favorite burrito place. Or when I go and get a hamburger because I think that's a compromise - at least I didn't get a pastrami sandwich. Food plays a big part in this, which has been why eating has been a bit of an issue in this cleanse. I'm comforted by the things that remind me of home - the things I used to eat as a kid and Mexican food being one of those things. I am half Mexican and as a Latin kid, my mother has played a big role in making me feel okay when I'm feeling down. In other words, comforting me. I've allowed this to continue my whole life because I've had the good fortune of a strong metabolism, so it's made me lazy and dependent on that. I always think that because I'm not 100 pounds or even 50 pounds over weight that my emotional eating isn't a problem. Well, it is because it keeps me from getting to places I want to be - very slowly on a daily basis. I also love to cook, which is where it gets muddled for me. But I love to cook healthy food as much as food that has more of a caloric content. But this is the major thing: even when I'm cooking "healthy" I'm not paying attention to portions or the amount of oil I put in. The problem is that I am not paying attention.
So where does my ADDICTION come in? I think I'm addicted to comfort. I'm addicted to complements and feeling good because I got so little of that growing up. I had a father who was hard on me and a mother who overcompensated. So it created this dynamic that any time anything hard came along, I rushed to her. And when I grew up and didn't have her, I rushed to the things that reminded me of her. And my fondest memories of my Mom are the things I remember from growing up. From home. And because food was always emotional for her - we ate to cheer up, we ate to celebrate - it was the foods of home that became a source of comfort when I wasn't at home.
And what about this issue of ABUSE? When I was in therapy, I talked about getting hit as a kid. Like a lot of people who have been physically punished, it was always explained to me that it was about discipline. And I believed that. So when I discussed it in therapy, my therapist explained that if I had been a child and was telling him about this behavior, he would have to report it. Because it is now legally considered abuse. And that turned on a light switch for me, I had been abused. No, I had not been bruised or pushed against a wall or had my life threatened. But it was still abuse. And that was hard to stomach. I couldn't even say the word. I understood throughout my life that there was a lot of verbal abuse in my family. That seemed easier to acknowledge. But the physical abuse, that seemed shameful and accusatory. Like I was calling my father an abuser, a bad person. Then another connection I made in my relationship was that I was basically afraid to get hit. So if my ex asked me about something: "why's the milk left out?" or "why are my socks missing?" My immediate response was always, "I didn't do it. That wasn't me. Nothing's wrong!" I was afraid of getting hit. I was afraid of doing something wrong and getting punished. I was afraid of disapproval. I still am, but I hadn't identified it until that moment.
So it's that abuse that has sent me in to the arms of comfort, which eventually and repeatedly I've become addicted to.
And this cleanse has pushed all that up. It's one of the toxins that it has brought up and is forcing out of me. And without my tools of comfort - fat foods, alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine - I have to look under the hood of my life and start getting rid of all the things I've been afraid to deal with.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Four Words
I'm proud of you.
I want to be able to say to the love of my life (or the next serious boyfriend), "I"m proud of you."
I don't want him to have a hard time listening to me be excited about the wonderful things going on in his life. It saddened me that he could say it to me, but I couldn't say it to him. He would get weird about it. I should have insisted more. I should have just grabbed him by the face and said it a thousand times. I should have sung it.
That's what his mother did. True story. Every morning. I swear.
And here I was, a person who never heard that from both of my parents. I heard it from my mother. But never my father. And that's the source of so many things for me. So listening to his discomfort and his request that I didn't say that to him, was hurtful. And another indication that he wasn't allowing me to be myself.
I know that he had a problem letting people in. I remember him telling me a few months in, that it takes him a while to get intimate with someone (not sex, but to feel comfortable). Shame I had to wait five years.
And if I was still in that relationship, I would still be waiting.
Me on the other hand, I'm desperate for it. I would have it tattooed on his forehead so I could look at it every day first thing. I would have it embroidered on pillows. I would have it in block letters above the bed. I would have it stenciled on my mirror. That's how important I think it is. That's how much I think it wouldn't have hurt me to hear every day.
If I were to ever have a kid (which I have decided I didn't want), I would say it to him or her all of the time. I would be horribly smothering. That's why I don't want to be a parent. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of how much I would try to compensate for everything I didn't feel I had. It would be a tidal wave and it would drown the child. Keep me away from the parenting!
My friend Susan thinks I would be a great Dad. My friend Steve, mentioned it this weekend. but he was drunk and doesn't remember. And I won't lie and say it's not on my mind. It's on my mind.
I want to be able to say to the love of my life (or the next serious boyfriend), "I"m proud of you."
I don't want him to have a hard time listening to me be excited about the wonderful things going on in his life. It saddened me that he could say it to me, but I couldn't say it to him. He would get weird about it. I should have insisted more. I should have just grabbed him by the face and said it a thousand times. I should have sung it.
That's what his mother did. True story. Every morning. I swear.
And here I was, a person who never heard that from both of my parents. I heard it from my mother. But never my father. And that's the source of so many things for me. So listening to his discomfort and his request that I didn't say that to him, was hurtful. And another indication that he wasn't allowing me to be myself.
I know that he had a problem letting people in. I remember him telling me a few months in, that it takes him a while to get intimate with someone (not sex, but to feel comfortable). Shame I had to wait five years.
And if I was still in that relationship, I would still be waiting.
Me on the other hand, I'm desperate for it. I would have it tattooed on his forehead so I could look at it every day first thing. I would have it embroidered on pillows. I would have it in block letters above the bed. I would have it stenciled on my mirror. That's how important I think it is. That's how much I think it wouldn't have hurt me to hear every day.
If I were to ever have a kid (which I have decided I didn't want), I would say it to him or her all of the time. I would be horribly smothering. That's why I don't want to be a parent. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of how much I would try to compensate for everything I didn't feel I had. It would be a tidal wave and it would drown the child. Keep me away from the parenting!
My friend Susan thinks I would be a great Dad. My friend Steve, mentioned it this weekend. but he was drunk and doesn't remember. And I won't lie and say it's not on my mind. It's on my mind.
The Fog Is Lifting
Is the fog lifting?
I seem to be making this adjustment to spending time alone. I always used to think that I never had a problem being by myself. Well, that was when I was in a stifling relationship where getting a few hours while the ex was still at work or having some time alone by myself watching Bravo in the home office was the only alone time I got. I used to love being alone because I hardly had a moment to myself.
And now, that's my life. I am alone. I am doing stuff by myself. And now that the dust has settled, I now have to make an effort to see people and do things. I have to make more of an effort to be social. See, I've always been a social person. But with the boyfriend, we had a million social obligations every weekend. He used to say this funny thing when I tried to make plans for the weekend, "I don't want any plans. My whole life is about plans and schedules." Well, that was funny because when it came to the weekend, we often had lots of things that he had planned. So I guess he just hated when I planned things. Water under the bridge. Not really.
I enjoy the quiet time, but I think I need to start filling my days with things that are fun for me. Like nighttime exercise classes or movies at LACMA or the museum in general. I think I need to rediscover fun things to do in LA. There was a list somewhere of activities and things I wanted to do over the weekend. We tried to keep a list of things we wanted to check out and explore. But somehow we never really got to the list. I should go fish that out and start doing those things. Because that was MY list of things that I wanted to do instead of all the bullshit things we would do, like go to the bars weekend after weekend.
So I guess I have a list...of things I've ALWAYS wanted to do. All right! Time to go tackle it!
I seem to be making this adjustment to spending time alone. I always used to think that I never had a problem being by myself. Well, that was when I was in a stifling relationship where getting a few hours while the ex was still at work or having some time alone by myself watching Bravo in the home office was the only alone time I got. I used to love being alone because I hardly had a moment to myself.
And now, that's my life. I am alone. I am doing stuff by myself. And now that the dust has settled, I now have to make an effort to see people and do things. I have to make more of an effort to be social. See, I've always been a social person. But with the boyfriend, we had a million social obligations every weekend. He used to say this funny thing when I tried to make plans for the weekend, "I don't want any plans. My whole life is about plans and schedules." Well, that was funny because when it came to the weekend, we often had lots of things that he had planned. So I guess he just hated when I planned things. Water under the bridge. Not really.
I enjoy the quiet time, but I think I need to start filling my days with things that are fun for me. Like nighttime exercise classes or movies at LACMA or the museum in general. I think I need to rediscover fun things to do in LA. There was a list somewhere of activities and things I wanted to do over the weekend. We tried to keep a list of things we wanted to check out and explore. But somehow we never really got to the list. I should go fish that out and start doing those things. Because that was MY list of things that I wanted to do instead of all the bullshit things we would do, like go to the bars weekend after weekend.
So I guess I have a list...of things I've ALWAYS wanted to do. All right! Time to go tackle it!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Week Three's Menu
This is week three of my cleanse and I'm cooking tonight. I'm going to cook and catch up on my Podcasts.
Here's what's on the menu:
THE TREATMENT - David O'Russell, David Cianfrance
SPILLED MILK (a great cooking podcast that takes one subject per episode) - Salad Dressings, Heirloom Tomatoes, Corn off The Cob, Burgers, Chicken Stock
THE SPORKFUL (another great cooking podcast that takes a subject per episode) - Ice Cream Toppings, Thanksgiving, Oatmeal, French Fry Toppings, Pizza, Watermelon, Labor Day Cook Out Spectacular (I've got a lot of catching up to do)
So onto this week's menu. I went to the Korean Market near the house and got lots of fresh produce. But I also have some things I need to cook up.
Mushrooms - I got some oysters and enokis along with regular button mushrooms. I'm thinking I will be doing a very broth based soup with these mushrooms. Onions, herbs, mushrooms, garlic. And if I want to reheat and add some protein, I'll add in a poached egg. Yum!
Jap Chae - I got some premade glass noodles and spinach from the market. The price is right and it's delish! This is when I need a little comfort and when I need something quick and easy.
Corn, Black Beans and Butternut Squash (frozen) - I'm making a salad from this stuff. With a little jalapeno added in.
Fish - I'm having fish for dinner tonight because it's the last night I can have it until I go totally vegan for the week.
I'm got quinoa and butternut squash on the cue for the rest of the week. Yummy Yummers! Taking care of myself with some delish food! Love it!
Just thought I'd share. Delish in a dish!
Here's what's on the menu:
THE TREATMENT - David O'Russell, David Cianfrance
SPILLED MILK (a great cooking podcast that takes one subject per episode) - Salad Dressings, Heirloom Tomatoes, Corn off The Cob, Burgers, Chicken Stock
THE SPORKFUL (another great cooking podcast that takes a subject per episode) - Ice Cream Toppings, Thanksgiving, Oatmeal, French Fry Toppings, Pizza, Watermelon, Labor Day Cook Out Spectacular (I've got a lot of catching up to do)
So onto this week's menu. I went to the Korean Market near the house and got lots of fresh produce. But I also have some things I need to cook up.
Mushrooms - I got some oysters and enokis along with regular button mushrooms. I'm thinking I will be doing a very broth based soup with these mushrooms. Onions, herbs, mushrooms, garlic. And if I want to reheat and add some protein, I'll add in a poached egg. Yum!
Jap Chae - I got some premade glass noodles and spinach from the market. The price is right and it's delish! This is when I need a little comfort and when I need something quick and easy.
Corn, Black Beans and Butternut Squash (frozen) - I'm making a salad from this stuff. With a little jalapeno added in.
Fish - I'm having fish for dinner tonight because it's the last night I can have it until I go totally vegan for the week.
I'm got quinoa and butternut squash on the cue for the rest of the week. Yummy Yummers! Taking care of myself with some delish food! Love it!
Just thought I'd share. Delish in a dish!
Cleanse: Days Thirteen and Fourteen
RECAP at the end of Week Two:
I've lost five to seven pounds.
My skin looks clearer (my friend Susan said that my skin had a greyish tinge to it before--yuck!)
I have more energy/I never crash.
My appetite is balancing out.
My poops are regular and healthy.
I'm working on not eating because I'm bored.
Or because I'm sad.
Or because I'm lonely.
Or because I had a bad day.
Or because. Just because.
I've got a lot of work to do on my emotional eating.
Because I'm not drinking, smoking, caffeinating or eating whatever I want, I'm working on not wanting to "order out" for a BJ, HJ or anything else.
I'm working on not just letting things catch my eye and going with it: that goes for cake or cock.
I am learning to sit in my loneliness and sad feelings. In my feelings of missing my ex-boyfriend. I think I'm working my way out of Nostalgia Nation. Next stop: Reality Reef.
I need to work cardio back into my week. I've stopped taking hip hop classes. Need to get on that train again.
I'm thinking of extending my "cleasnse" at least by another week. In that way, it'll be like rehab. 28 days. Am I rehabilitating?
Interesting.
I need to work my friends back into my diet. I'm not cleansing them. I need to make plans to do things with friends. I've got a membership at LACMA that's good until August, so I've got to use it. Art and Friends. That should be great. Maybe I'm going to start doing brunches at Ray's, the new restaurant at LACMA. That should be a fun Sunday morning thing. I like the idea of having my own regular place.
I have to add things in, as much as I'm taking things out. My life can't just be about deprivation.
I've lost five to seven pounds.
My skin looks clearer (my friend Susan said that my skin had a greyish tinge to it before--yuck!)
I have more energy/I never crash.
My appetite is balancing out.
My poops are regular and healthy.
I'm working on not eating because I'm bored.
Or because I'm sad.
Or because I'm lonely.
Or because I had a bad day.
Or because. Just because.
I've got a lot of work to do on my emotional eating.
Because I'm not drinking, smoking, caffeinating or eating whatever I want, I'm working on not wanting to "order out" for a BJ, HJ or anything else.
I'm working on not just letting things catch my eye and going with it: that goes for cake or cock.
I am learning to sit in my loneliness and sad feelings. In my feelings of missing my ex-boyfriend. I think I'm working my way out of Nostalgia Nation. Next stop: Reality Reef.
I need to work cardio back into my week. I've stopped taking hip hop classes. Need to get on that train again.
I'm thinking of extending my "cleasnse" at least by another week. In that way, it'll be like rehab. 28 days. Am I rehabilitating?
Interesting.
I need to work my friends back into my diet. I'm not cleansing them. I need to make plans to do things with friends. I've got a membership at LACMA that's good until August, so I've got to use it. Art and Friends. That should be great. Maybe I'm going to start doing brunches at Ray's, the new restaurant at LACMA. That should be a fun Sunday morning thing. I like the idea of having my own regular place.
I have to add things in, as much as I'm taking things out. My life can't just be about deprivation.
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Perfect Friday Night Date
I run during my lunch hour to go get tickets to Belle du Jour at LACMA>. They're doing a little Catherine Deneurve - the early films - retrospective. Repulsion is playing right afterwards in a double bill. Since I'm a member, I get to see both for just $7. That's a huge bargain.
We meet up out front of the Bing Theatre. I've got Junior Mints stashed in my pocket. He's got some peanut M&Ms or maybe even some chips. Sodas we buy at the cafe and take inside. We notice that we must be the youngest guys in here by about ten or so years. It's nice to be in a full theatre seeing an old french film with some people who might have actually seen it in its original run at a movie theatre. I grab his hand.
We watch the movie together silently. And we laugh at places.
When the movie's over we walk up Wilshire to "Urban Light", the light sculpture. Ray's, the new outdoor cafe, has just opened. So we decide to grab a drink before we go home. We talk about the day. I tell him about "Troubadours" the PBS American Masters series that I just saw online about the singer-songwriter movement in the 1970s. I'm hoping to get back to this play I'm writing about a band writing an album together. So it was incredibly inspirational. He tells me about a co-worker whose nuts he wants to rip off. As usual. We both decide to not talk about work for the rest of the evening.
As we walk back to our cars through "Urban Light" we kiss. There are a few people taking pictures inside the sculpture. And a few couples kissing. It feels like the middle of summer, even though it's only March. Tonight was too leisurely for it to be the end of winter.
That would have been a nice night out. As it was, I was alone. That was okay too.
We meet up out front of the Bing Theatre. I've got Junior Mints stashed in my pocket. He's got some peanut M&Ms or maybe even some chips. Sodas we buy at the cafe and take inside. We notice that we must be the youngest guys in here by about ten or so years. It's nice to be in a full theatre seeing an old french film with some people who might have actually seen it in its original run at a movie theatre. I grab his hand.
We watch the movie together silently. And we laugh at places.
When the movie's over we walk up Wilshire to "Urban Light", the light sculpture. Ray's, the new outdoor cafe, has just opened. So we decide to grab a drink before we go home. We talk about the day. I tell him about "Troubadours" the PBS American Masters series that I just saw online about the singer-songwriter movement in the 1970s. I'm hoping to get back to this play I'm writing about a band writing an album together. So it was incredibly inspirational. He tells me about a co-worker whose nuts he wants to rip off. As usual. We both decide to not talk about work for the rest of the evening.
As we walk back to our cars through "Urban Light" we kiss. There are a few people taking pictures inside the sculpture. And a few couples kissing. It feels like the middle of summer, even though it's only March. Tonight was too leisurely for it to be the end of winter.
That would have been a nice night out. As it was, I was alone. That was okay too.
Cleanse: Days Eleven and Twelve
I'm combining because both days were kind of the same. I'm trying to figure out what I'm holding on to.
The physical report is that my
ATTITUDE is positive
ENERGY is strong
and that I'm working out a lot. The workouts have been good.
But I'm generally pretty sad. I guess I have been for a while. I miss the guy. It's not what I should be feeling. I should be so pissed off and happy that I'm not there any more.
My friend Howie's hating this string of recent posts, I know it. I blew somebody. But it's because I'm sad. He was hot. And his dick was huge. But I'm not doing it for any good reason. I'm doing it because I'm gay and I'm a guy and I compartmentalize. I'm also doing it to cope, which is a slippery slope. It's a distraction. And it makes me a bit sad. Not like moody. More like pitiful.
Don't worry. I'm not wallowing. I'm just bummed out. I went and saw Belle du Jour tonight at LACMA. I would have loved to have done that with the ex. Or even a good friend. The thing is that I can't just depend on friends to distract me from my loneliness. They've got their lives too. I can't be a ton of fun to be around right now. All I do is talk about the ex. It's boring.
Hunger's subsiding. Wanting to lose more. Body feels good and is functioning. Even though I haven't had any seafood this week, next week I go completely vegan. I'm ready for it.
The physical report is that my
ATTITUDE is positive
ENERGY is strong
and that I'm working out a lot. The workouts have been good.
But I'm generally pretty sad. I guess I have been for a while. I miss the guy. It's not what I should be feeling. I should be so pissed off and happy that I'm not there any more.
My friend Howie's hating this string of recent posts, I know it. I blew somebody. But it's because I'm sad. He was hot. And his dick was huge. But I'm not doing it for any good reason. I'm doing it because I'm gay and I'm a guy and I compartmentalize. I'm also doing it to cope, which is a slippery slope. It's a distraction. And it makes me a bit sad. Not like moody. More like pitiful.
Don't worry. I'm not wallowing. I'm just bummed out. I went and saw Belle du Jour tonight at LACMA. I would have loved to have done that with the ex. Or even a good friend. The thing is that I can't just depend on friends to distract me from my loneliness. They've got their lives too. I can't be a ton of fun to be around right now. All I do is talk about the ex. It's boring.
Hunger's subsiding. Wanting to lose more. Body feels good and is functioning. Even though I haven't had any seafood this week, next week I go completely vegan. I'm ready for it.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Cleanse: Day Ten
All right. So I'm half way through this cleanse. And it has brought up a lot of stuff for me. I've been pretty emotional this whole time. Lots and lots of crying. Part of it is that I've been watching THE BIGGEST LOSER, which I love BECAUSE it makes me cry. But a lot of it also has to do with all of this purging that's happening.
My body is functioning in a pretty regular, healthy way. I kind of dig it. I'm pooping on schedule. My appetite is actually starting to calm down. I'm only eating when I'm hungry, but not when I'm starved.
I wonder what I'm going to take with me when I'm done. I really love cheese, although I'm not missing it right now. The booze hasn't been an issue. I think it's really getting to the core of this whole comfort thing for me. What does food mean to me on a comfort level. What is comfort food for me if I'm eating healthy?
I love Jap Chae, which is this Korean noodle dish. And it's got rice noodles and veggies. That's comforting to me. Actually a lot of Korean food comforts me. Like Kim Chee. Tofu can be comforting. I just saw this textured vegetable protein at Ralphs that I might try to make and put in dishes. Like chili or a veggie meat sauce for pasta.
I'm thinking about a quinoa dish I want to make when I get home. That'll be comforting.
It's all about changing my definition of what's comforting. Soups. Soups are comforting and a lot of them I can make without dairy. Chow fun. That's another rice noodle dish I love. It actually might be my favorite chinese noodle dish. I love Pad Thai. So basically the conclusion is that I love rice noodles, which I'm able to have on this cleanse.
I do love a roast chicken and that can be pretty healthy.
For me, food is love. I cook to show people I love them. So maybe it's less about being comforted and more about experiencing love, experiencing ingredients and freshness.
Now I'm hungry. But today went pretty well. I had steel oats, dried cherries and almonds for breakfast. So, so, so delish. Who knew I'd love that stuff? I don't even add sweetener because I don't typically have a sweet tooth. The cherries and the freeze dried blueberries are enough. And almonds for texture. So great. I have this great corn salad and avocado salad I made last night. And I ate some more chili. Tried to keep my portions in line. That's the hardest thing for me. But I seem to be staying lean, so that's great.
My body is functioning in a pretty regular, healthy way. I kind of dig it. I'm pooping on schedule. My appetite is actually starting to calm down. I'm only eating when I'm hungry, but not when I'm starved.
I wonder what I'm going to take with me when I'm done. I really love cheese, although I'm not missing it right now. The booze hasn't been an issue. I think it's really getting to the core of this whole comfort thing for me. What does food mean to me on a comfort level. What is comfort food for me if I'm eating healthy?
I love Jap Chae, which is this Korean noodle dish. And it's got rice noodles and veggies. That's comforting to me. Actually a lot of Korean food comforts me. Like Kim Chee. Tofu can be comforting. I just saw this textured vegetable protein at Ralphs that I might try to make and put in dishes. Like chili or a veggie meat sauce for pasta.
I'm thinking about a quinoa dish I want to make when I get home. That'll be comforting.
It's all about changing my definition of what's comforting. Soups. Soups are comforting and a lot of them I can make without dairy. Chow fun. That's another rice noodle dish I love. It actually might be my favorite chinese noodle dish. I love Pad Thai. So basically the conclusion is that I love rice noodles, which I'm able to have on this cleanse.
I do love a roast chicken and that can be pretty healthy.
For me, food is love. I cook to show people I love them. So maybe it's less about being comforted and more about experiencing love, experiencing ingredients and freshness.
Now I'm hungry. But today went pretty well. I had steel oats, dried cherries and almonds for breakfast. So, so, so delish. Who knew I'd love that stuff? I don't even add sweetener because I don't typically have a sweet tooth. The cherries and the freeze dried blueberries are enough. And almonds for texture. So great. I have this great corn salad and avocado salad I made last night. And I ate some more chili. Tried to keep my portions in line. That's the hardest thing for me. But I seem to be staying lean, so that's great.
Run in at the gym
I was at the gym this morning and I ran into my ex's best friend and my ex's assistant.
And my reaction was: "Hi!" And a big hug.
Why?
I was a bit surprised at my effusive reaction too. But I felt good. I knew I looked good, in that sort of "just got out of bed, rolled to the gym, my t-shirt smells like hard work" way. The hair was bed-heady in a good way. I had some scruff and I was wearing my gym shirt and baggy shorts. In other words, I didn't look super gay.
Why does that matter? Because some how I associate that with okayness. Like "I look like a dude and not that submissive long haired girly man your friend was with for five years." And I recently cut my hair super short, which the ex didn't like. He liked the hair to be longer. This way I look more youthful and I think more handsome and powerful. So, no, I was not wearing aqua spandex tights, striped leg warmers and a braided headband. I was dressed for a work out.
I hadn't seen either one of them in a while. And for a quick moment I thought, "Oh God, I hope I look good. I hope they report back that I looked amazing." Which they won't because they're good friends and employees. Both of them work for the ex, which is probably why they were working out together.
In the TV show of my life, they were spying.
And I did my thing, like I do every Monday, Wednesday and Friday that I'm at the gym. I had a fantastic workout, partially because I knew I had an audience. And ultimately, I didn't worry what they were going to say or not say to the ex about seeing me. Because I'm on my cleanse and I'm looking fierce and I'm on my way to looking more fierce - for me. Because I feel better this way. I feel better knowing that my body is functioning properly and working hard.
And I'm glad that they saw me in MY habitat. I used to work out with my ex's best friend for a while. We stopped because of the breakup. But it used to suck because I was like his trainer and that was frustrating. I needed a partner to push me too. I couldn't just be running the show.
And now, I realize that I don't need a partner. I am pushing myself. The way that I look is purely because of me. I am motivating me. The choices I'm making in my diet and my lifestyle are not because someone is pushing me. The changes I'm making in my life are not because someone is pushing me. No one is pushing me to finish this script I need to finish. Or to submit my work to theatres. Or to get up and go for a run. Or to stop my bad habits. That is all me.
I don't need a partner.
I'm going to re-read this post often when I need a healthy reminder.
And my reaction was: "Hi!" And a big hug.
Why?
I was a bit surprised at my effusive reaction too. But I felt good. I knew I looked good, in that sort of "just got out of bed, rolled to the gym, my t-shirt smells like hard work" way. The hair was bed-heady in a good way. I had some scruff and I was wearing my gym shirt and baggy shorts. In other words, I didn't look super gay.
Why does that matter? Because some how I associate that with okayness. Like "I look like a dude and not that submissive long haired girly man your friend was with for five years." And I recently cut my hair super short, which the ex didn't like. He liked the hair to be longer. This way I look more youthful and I think more handsome and powerful. So, no, I was not wearing aqua spandex tights, striped leg warmers and a braided headband. I was dressed for a work out.
I hadn't seen either one of them in a while. And for a quick moment I thought, "Oh God, I hope I look good. I hope they report back that I looked amazing." Which they won't because they're good friends and employees. Both of them work for the ex, which is probably why they were working out together.
In the TV show of my life, they were spying.
And I did my thing, like I do every Monday, Wednesday and Friday that I'm at the gym. I had a fantastic workout, partially because I knew I had an audience. And ultimately, I didn't worry what they were going to say or not say to the ex about seeing me. Because I'm on my cleanse and I'm looking fierce and I'm on my way to looking more fierce - for me. Because I feel better this way. I feel better knowing that my body is functioning properly and working hard.
And I'm glad that they saw me in MY habitat. I used to work out with my ex's best friend for a while. We stopped because of the breakup. But it used to suck because I was like his trainer and that was frustrating. I needed a partner to push me too. I couldn't just be running the show.
And now, I realize that I don't need a partner. I am pushing myself. The way that I look is purely because of me. I am motivating me. The choices I'm making in my diet and my lifestyle are not because someone is pushing me. The changes I'm making in my life are not because someone is pushing me. No one is pushing me to finish this script I need to finish. Or to submit my work to theatres. Or to get up and go for a run. Or to stop my bad habits. That is all me.
I don't need a partner.
I'm going to re-read this post often when I need a healthy reminder.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Cleanse: Day Nine
Comfort.
Today's special word is COMFORT.
It's a theme that's been coming up for me in the last couple of days. Today I celebrate four months of being out of my relationship, a fact I hadn't realized until twenty minutes ago when I was on the phone with my friend Steve. I do not have the comfort of someone to come home to. Someone to complain about my boss to. Someone who can listen to all of my shit, my hopes, my dreams, my frustrations, my wishes. Right now I do not have that comfort.
And for the past nine days, I have been on this cleanse. Week One felt for the most past like I was just cutting out steak, pork, turkey and dairy. It just felt like I was watching what I was eating. It felt like eating better. But it didn't feel like a cleanse. Here's what else I was cutting out: caffeine, soda, fast food, alcohol, tobacco, fried foods, iodized salt, juice and preservatives.
I would work out every morning and RUSH to Starbucks to get some coffee. I'd have a rough morning and reward myself with a cigarette. I'd sit down at my computer and mindlessly munch on cheese slices and meat. If it was Tuesday (which it is today), I'd sit in front of THE BIGGEST LOSER and wolf down 12 tacos. Yes, my metabolism affords me the gift of being relatively slender. But my body hasn't been tight in years. I've even trained for a marathon and I still had some around the middle. Somewhere along the way, I felt my body held on to some of that reserve because it needed it. It was comfort.
This week, I have cut some more things out. And my options are way more limited. I cut out sugar and sugar supplements, pan frying, wheat and white flour, chicken and soy. Oh my God, where is my comfort? I just went shopping again today to get some peanut butter and non-sulfured dried fruit w/o sugar. I have my steel cut oats I eat in the morning and my raw almonds, almond milk, dark cherries and freeze dried blueberries to add in there. I've got fresh salsa I've made. I'm putting sea salt on things. I drizzle oil onto food instead of cooking with it so not to release free radicals. I'm going to make mushroom soup with veggie broth later in the week. I have to remember to cut some fresh peppers to take as crudite tomorrow.
What I don't have is comfort.
What I do have is awareness. I know everything I'm putting into my body and I know why it's there. I make sure that I don't do anything to jeopardize my progress. Everything works together and I take the time and care enough about myself to make sure nothing impedes my progress. That's what I have to do in my life.
And I've started. But I still have plenty of empty calories in my day. Everything needs to work towards my progress.
I like to say that I've got no hamburger, no onion rings, no Irish potato (and I mean that as nicely and as affectionately and respectfully as I can).
So today my attitude is good, my energy is high and my desire is strong. And I didn't eat through THE BIGGEST LOSER.
Today's special word is COMFORT.
It's a theme that's been coming up for me in the last couple of days. Today I celebrate four months of being out of my relationship, a fact I hadn't realized until twenty minutes ago when I was on the phone with my friend Steve. I do not have the comfort of someone to come home to. Someone to complain about my boss to. Someone who can listen to all of my shit, my hopes, my dreams, my frustrations, my wishes. Right now I do not have that comfort.
And for the past nine days, I have been on this cleanse. Week One felt for the most past like I was just cutting out steak, pork, turkey and dairy. It just felt like I was watching what I was eating. It felt like eating better. But it didn't feel like a cleanse. Here's what else I was cutting out: caffeine, soda, fast food, alcohol, tobacco, fried foods, iodized salt, juice and preservatives.
I would work out every morning and RUSH to Starbucks to get some coffee. I'd have a rough morning and reward myself with a cigarette. I'd sit down at my computer and mindlessly munch on cheese slices and meat. If it was Tuesday (which it is today), I'd sit in front of THE BIGGEST LOSER and wolf down 12 tacos. Yes, my metabolism affords me the gift of being relatively slender. But my body hasn't been tight in years. I've even trained for a marathon and I still had some around the middle. Somewhere along the way, I felt my body held on to some of that reserve because it needed it. It was comfort.
This week, I have cut some more things out. And my options are way more limited. I cut out sugar and sugar supplements, pan frying, wheat and white flour, chicken and soy. Oh my God, where is my comfort? I just went shopping again today to get some peanut butter and non-sulfured dried fruit w/o sugar. I have my steel cut oats I eat in the morning and my raw almonds, almond milk, dark cherries and freeze dried blueberries to add in there. I've got fresh salsa I've made. I'm putting sea salt on things. I drizzle oil onto food instead of cooking with it so not to release free radicals. I'm going to make mushroom soup with veggie broth later in the week. I have to remember to cut some fresh peppers to take as crudite tomorrow.
What I don't have is comfort.
What I do have is awareness. I know everything I'm putting into my body and I know why it's there. I make sure that I don't do anything to jeopardize my progress. Everything works together and I take the time and care enough about myself to make sure nothing impedes my progress. That's what I have to do in my life.
And I've started. But I still have plenty of empty calories in my day. Everything needs to work towards my progress.
I like to say that I've got no hamburger, no onion rings, no Irish potato (and I mean that as nicely and as affectionately and respectfully as I can).
So today my attitude is good, my energy is high and my desire is strong. And I didn't eat through THE BIGGEST LOSER.
What If?
When I was a kid, I was totally into Marvel Comics and they had this series called "What If?" It was usually a story line involving "the road not taken." Like:
"What if the Fantastic Four had different powers?"
"What if someone else besides Spider Man had been bitten by the radioactive spider?"
"What if the world knew Daredevil was blind?"
"What if the Hulk had the brain of Bruce Banner?"
It's all very exciting to think about...in comic books. In life, it can drive you crazy. Hence my current state. It's funny how the brain knows so much but the heart really doesn't always feel the same way. I've gone on and on and on (in stronger moments) in this blog about how my last relationship wasn't good for me. And if you read recent posts, you'll see that I want to star in a Bravo TV show starring me and the "What If" version of my ex.
"What if my ex didn't have so many issues?"
"What if I hadn't left?"
And that world looks like this. I probably wouldn't have my new job. I would still be in a place where I felt stuck in my life and he would be blaming me and I would be blaming him. I would be 10 pounds heavier and he'd probably be 20-30. I would wake up every weekend completely tired and over it and hungover. (What I discovered during the weekend my friend Tony was in town was that I used to drink A LOT. I don't think I had any idea how much I was drinking - at social events with the ex, just to deal with him, etc.)
Then we would be carrying on full on relationships with other people. Or having more threeways. We would be doing anything we could to distract ourselves from what was a growing resentment and hatred for the other person. I would stop finding him attractive. The seeds were planted and some of this was already happening. We would not be in a safe place. I have to admit to myself that if I had stayed things might have gotten physical. And not because he ever laid a hand on me, but that his personality was becoming increasingly unreliable. And I didn't know how to handle that. So when you don't know how to handle something, you handle it badly.
And right now, the underlying "what if" that I keep holding on to is basically an erasing of our entire five year history, which was at many points wonderful. I left before I started really noticing how bad it was. And once I had gotten there, things would have been so far gone. But what has been on my mind for the past three weeks, as I watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED, as I read Facebook posts, as I mourn the loss of my former life and the loss of some good friends, I keep reflecting on something:
"What if we were actually happy?"
"What if we had the conversation I hope we get to have one day (The mature conversation where we break it down and dissect what went wrong in a non-emotional, therapeutic, pro-active way) while we were still together?"
And on that, I end on a few favorite quotes from film and TV:
From Steel Magnolias:
"That's what my mind says. I just wish someone would explain it to my heart."
From Sex and the City:
"Coulda, shoulda, woulda."
And that's the daily status report for today.
"What if the Fantastic Four had different powers?"
"What if someone else besides Spider Man had been bitten by the radioactive spider?"
"What if the world knew Daredevil was blind?"
"What if the Hulk had the brain of Bruce Banner?"
It's all very exciting to think about...in comic books. In life, it can drive you crazy. Hence my current state. It's funny how the brain knows so much but the heart really doesn't always feel the same way. I've gone on and on and on (in stronger moments) in this blog about how my last relationship wasn't good for me. And if you read recent posts, you'll see that I want to star in a Bravo TV show starring me and the "What If" version of my ex.
"What if my ex didn't have so many issues?"
"What if I hadn't left?"
And that world looks like this. I probably wouldn't have my new job. I would still be in a place where I felt stuck in my life and he would be blaming me and I would be blaming him. I would be 10 pounds heavier and he'd probably be 20-30. I would wake up every weekend completely tired and over it and hungover. (What I discovered during the weekend my friend Tony was in town was that I used to drink A LOT. I don't think I had any idea how much I was drinking - at social events with the ex, just to deal with him, etc.)
Then we would be carrying on full on relationships with other people. Or having more threeways. We would be doing anything we could to distract ourselves from what was a growing resentment and hatred for the other person. I would stop finding him attractive. The seeds were planted and some of this was already happening. We would not be in a safe place. I have to admit to myself that if I had stayed things might have gotten physical. And not because he ever laid a hand on me, but that his personality was becoming increasingly unreliable. And I didn't know how to handle that. So when you don't know how to handle something, you handle it badly.
And right now, the underlying "what if" that I keep holding on to is basically an erasing of our entire five year history, which was at many points wonderful. I left before I started really noticing how bad it was. And once I had gotten there, things would have been so far gone. But what has been on my mind for the past three weeks, as I watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED, as I read Facebook posts, as I mourn the loss of my former life and the loss of some good friends, I keep reflecting on something:
"What if we were actually happy?"
"What if we had the conversation I hope we get to have one day (The mature conversation where we break it down and dissect what went wrong in a non-emotional, therapeutic, pro-active way) while we were still together?"
And on that, I end on a few favorite quotes from film and TV:
From Steel Magnolias:
"That's what my mind says. I just wish someone would explain it to my heart."
From Sex and the City:
"Coulda, shoulda, woulda."
And that's the daily status report for today.
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