Run in at the gym

I was at the gym this morning and I ran into my ex's best friend and my ex's assistant.

And my reaction was: "Hi!" And a big hug.

Why?

I was a bit surprised at my effusive reaction too. But I felt good. I knew I looked good, in that sort of "just got out of bed, rolled to the gym, my t-shirt smells like hard work" way. The hair was bed-heady in a good way. I had some scruff and I was wearing my gym shirt and baggy shorts. In other words, I didn't look super gay.

Why does that matter? Because some how I associate that with okayness. Like "I look like a dude and not that submissive long haired girly man your friend was with for five years." And I recently cut my hair super short, which the ex didn't like. He liked the hair to be longer. This way I look more youthful and I think more handsome and powerful. So, no, I was not wearing aqua spandex tights, striped leg warmers and a braided headband. I was dressed for a work out.

I hadn't seen either one of them in a while. And for a quick moment I thought, "Oh God, I hope I look good. I hope they report back that I looked amazing." Which they won't because they're good friends and employees. Both of them work for the ex, which is probably why they were working out together.

In the TV show of my life, they were spying.

And I did my thing, like I do every Monday, Wednesday and Friday that I'm at the gym. I had a fantastic workout, partially because I knew I had an audience. And ultimately, I didn't worry what they were going to say or not say to the ex about seeing me. Because I'm on my cleanse and I'm looking fierce and I'm on my way to looking more fierce - for me. Because I feel better this way. I feel better knowing that my body is functioning properly and working hard.

And I'm glad that they saw me in MY habitat. I used to work out with my ex's best friend for a while. We stopped because of the breakup. But it used to suck because I was like his trainer and that was frustrating. I needed a partner to push me too. I couldn't just be running the show.

And now, I realize that I don't need a partner. I am pushing myself. The way that I look is purely because of me. I am motivating me. The choices I'm making in my diet and my lifestyle are not because someone is pushing me. The changes I'm making in my life are not because someone is pushing me. No one is pushing me to finish this script I need to finish. Or to submit my work to theatres. Or to get up and go for a run. Or to stop my bad habits. That is all me.

I don't need a partner.

I'm going to re-read this post often when I need a healthy reminder.