Four Words

I'm proud of you.

I want to be able to say to the love of my life (or the next serious boyfriend), "I"m proud of you."

I don't want him to have a hard time listening to me be excited about the wonderful things going on in his life. It saddened me that he could say it to me, but I couldn't say it to him. He would get weird about it. I should have insisted more. I should have just grabbed him by the face and said it a thousand times. I should have sung it.

That's what his mother did. True story. Every morning. I swear.

And here I was, a person who never heard that from both of my parents. I heard it from my mother. But never my father. And that's the source of so many things for me. So listening to his discomfort and his request that I didn't say that to him, was hurtful. And another indication that he wasn't allowing me to be myself.

I know that he had a problem letting people in. I remember him telling me a few months in, that it takes him a while to get intimate with someone (not sex, but to feel comfortable). Shame I had to wait five years.

And if I was still in that relationship, I would still be waiting.

Me on the other hand, I'm desperate for it. I would have it tattooed on his forehead so I could look at it every day first thing. I would have it embroidered on pillows. I would have it in block letters above the bed. I would have it stenciled on my mirror. That's how important I think it is. That's how much I think it wouldn't have hurt me to hear every day.

If I were to ever have a kid (which I have decided I didn't want), I would say it to him or her all of the time. I would be horribly smothering. That's why I don't want to be a parent. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of how much I would try to compensate for everything I didn't feel I had. It would be a tidal wave and it would drown the child. Keep me away from the parenting!

My friend Susan thinks I would be a great Dad. My friend Steve, mentioned it this weekend. but he was drunk and doesn't remember. And I won't lie and say it's not on my mind. It's on my mind.