I'm starting to realize that temptation is going to be a daily thing. I have never thought of myself as an addict to anything. I've often thought that I am dependent on things, but the word ADDICTION scares me. So does the word ABUSE. And I have to be honest that both of those conditions play a role in my life.
Let's talk about the first one: ADDICTION
One thing that keeps coming up in this cleanse is this notion of comfort. What comforts me? And why do I need to feel comforted constantly? I honest don't think that being comforted is a bad thing. But when it keeps me from pushing forward in my life, then yes, it's a problem. Hence the term "comfort zone." And I'm in that zone whenever I pick up 12 tacos on Taco Tuesday at Del Taco. Or when I rush to get a burrito from my favorite burrito place. Or when I go and get a hamburger because I think that's a compromise - at least I didn't get a pastrami sandwich. Food plays a big part in this, which has been why eating has been a bit of an issue in this cleanse. I'm comforted by the things that remind me of home - the things I used to eat as a kid and Mexican food being one of those things. I am half Mexican and as a Latin kid, my mother has played a big role in making me feel okay when I'm feeling down. In other words, comforting me. I've allowed this to continue my whole life because I've had the good fortune of a strong metabolism, so it's made me lazy and dependent on that. I always think that because I'm not 100 pounds or even 50 pounds over weight that my emotional eating isn't a problem. Well, it is because it keeps me from getting to places I want to be - very slowly on a daily basis. I also love to cook, which is where it gets muddled for me. But I love to cook healthy food as much as food that has more of a caloric content. But this is the major thing: even when I'm cooking "healthy" I'm not paying attention to portions or the amount of oil I put in. The problem is that I am not paying attention.
So where does my ADDICTION come in? I think I'm addicted to comfort. I'm addicted to complements and feeling good because I got so little of that growing up. I had a father who was hard on me and a mother who overcompensated. So it created this dynamic that any time anything hard came along, I rushed to her. And when I grew up and didn't have her, I rushed to the things that reminded me of her. And my fondest memories of my Mom are the things I remember from growing up. From home. And because food was always emotional for her - we ate to cheer up, we ate to celebrate - it was the foods of home that became a source of comfort when I wasn't at home.
And what about this issue of ABUSE? When I was in therapy, I talked about getting hit as a kid. Like a lot of people who have been physically punished, it was always explained to me that it was about discipline. And I believed that. So when I discussed it in therapy, my therapist explained that if I had been a child and was telling him about this behavior, he would have to report it. Because it is now legally considered abuse. And that turned on a light switch for me, I had been abused. No, I had not been bruised or pushed against a wall or had my life threatened. But it was still abuse. And that was hard to stomach. I couldn't even say the word. I understood throughout my life that there was a lot of verbal abuse in my family. That seemed easier to acknowledge. But the physical abuse, that seemed shameful and accusatory. Like I was calling my father an abuser, a bad person. Then another connection I made in my relationship was that I was basically afraid to get hit. So if my ex asked me about something: "why's the milk left out?" or "why are my socks missing?" My immediate response was always, "I didn't do it. That wasn't me. Nothing's wrong!" I was afraid of getting hit. I was afraid of doing something wrong and getting punished. I was afraid of disapproval. I still am, but I hadn't identified it until that moment.
So it's that abuse that has sent me in to the arms of comfort, which eventually and repeatedly I've become addicted to.
And this cleanse has pushed all that up. It's one of the toxins that it has brought up and is forcing out of me. And without my tools of comfort - fat foods, alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine - I have to look under the hood of my life and start getting rid of all the things I've been afraid to deal with.
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