What If?

When I was a kid, I was totally into Marvel Comics and they had this series called "What If?" It was usually a story line involving "the road not taken." Like:

"What if the Fantastic Four had different powers?"

"What if someone else besides Spider Man had been bitten by the radioactive spider?"

"What if the world knew Daredevil was blind?"

"What if the Hulk had the brain of Bruce Banner?"

It's all very exciting to think about...in comic books. In life, it can drive you crazy. Hence my current state. It's funny how the brain knows so much but the heart really doesn't always feel the same way. I've gone on and on and on (in stronger moments) in this blog about how my last relationship wasn't good for me. And if you read recent posts, you'll see that I want to star in a Bravo TV show starring me and the "What If" version of my ex.

"What if my ex didn't have so many issues?"

"What if I hadn't left?"

And that world looks like this. I probably wouldn't have my new job. I would still be in a place where I felt stuck in my life and he would be blaming me and I would be blaming him. I would be 10 pounds heavier and he'd probably be 20-30. I would wake up every weekend completely tired and over it and hungover. (What I discovered during the weekend my friend Tony was in town was that I used to drink A LOT. I don't think I had any idea how much I was drinking - at social events with the ex, just to deal with him, etc.)

Then we would be carrying on full on relationships with other people. Or having more threeways. We would be doing anything we could to distract ourselves from what was a growing resentment and hatred for the other person. I would stop finding him attractive. The seeds were planted and some of this was already happening. We would not be in a safe place. I have to admit to myself that if I had stayed things might have gotten physical. And not because he ever laid a hand on me, but that his personality was becoming increasingly unreliable. And I didn't know how to handle that. So when you don't know how to handle something, you handle it badly.

And right now, the underlying "what if" that I keep holding on to is basically an erasing of our entire five year history, which was at many points wonderful. I left before I started really noticing how bad it was. And once I had gotten there, things would have been so far gone. But what has been on my mind for the past three weeks, as I watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED, as I read Facebook posts, as I mourn the loss of my former life and the loss of some good friends, I keep reflecting on something:

"What if we were actually happy?"

"What if we had the conversation I hope we get to have one day (The mature conversation where we break it down and dissect what went wrong in a non-emotional, therapeutic, pro-active way) while we were still together?"

And on that, I end on a few favorite quotes from film and TV:

From Steel Magnolias:

"That's what my mind says. I just wish someone would explain it to my heart."

From Sex and the City:

"Coulda, shoulda, woulda."

And that's the daily status report for today.