The Master Cleanse

This second half of the year for me is all about reinforcing the things I learned about myself in the first half of the year. Once I ended my relationship, my career started to take off. In the past month or so, I've forgotten some of those lessons because I started to get nostalgic about the relationship. Finding out that my ex has moved on with a new boyfriend has really made clear that that part of my life is over. And it's good to know that I can't go back to it, even in my head.

The first half of the year was about work. The second half of this year is a return to that. I took a bit of a respite because work was so draining. But now it's time to get back to it. And if the psychic I met last month had accurate predictions, things are about to get busy. I've decided to cleanse myself a bit from a few things in my life. And that will be a lot more difficult than just restricting myself from certain foods.

• No one night stands. As I type this, I get scared. That includes hook ups. I'd rather not say "celibacy" because I'm going to masturbate. But I'm going to go into gyms, korean spas, supermarkets, parties and other public events with no agenda to hook up. And I'm not going to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. I've never done this. I've thought about doing it, but I've never done it.
• Sobriety. I've done three sober months in the first six months of the year. I don't need alcohol. I've had some booze in the past month. I realized that I don't need it. It's fun, but I'm not getting wasted. So if I'm not getting wasted, then why drink at all? And I don't mean that to say that I should be getting blitzed. I mean that to say that I'm drinking to be social, but it's having no real effect on me. So if I don't need to drink to forget or cope, then why am I drinking?
• Whole 30. I'm going back on the Whole 30 for at least a month to see how I do on it again. But this time I'm going to do it as a culinary challenge. I'm going to focus on making recipes and not on the health benefits. I want to have an adventure with the types of recipes I can make. I want to do different culinary things. There are things in my diet that I like that I'm going to try and replicate. 
• Meditation. I start a three week meditation course on Monday. That will jump start my practice again. I need to be meditating at least once a day. It does such good things for me and that's what my body and my mind want to do. They want to spend more time in silence.
• Exercise. The last time I did my Whole 30, I hardly exercised. I want to see bigger results this time around, all around. And I think that exercising will help me get there. The things that work for me are cardio--spinning, dancing and running. I'd like to try to evolve and add more weight training to that. But more hard core circuit type stuff and boot camp type stuff. I've changed my mind and now I want to change my body so I can change my mind even deeper. I need to look different to support how different I am.

When my Dad died, I shaved my head to signify how different I felt. Now I want to change my body to feel how different I am. I have my Cize workouts that I can do. I have my gym membership and the spinning that I love doing. I should go back and take spin classes to at least get me disciplined. I'm thinking of swimming at the local gym as well to just test out how that makes me feel. Doing laps. I want my body to change and I want to see a different person in the mirror. Not out of vanity. But because I need to see a different person looking back at me to show me the change I have made. It's not just about something superficial like a haircut or a tattoo. It's literally morphing my body into something different to show the change that I've made.

I'm realizing that the ex didn't make all the changes after our relationship ended to hurt me. He made those changes because that's who he really is. And I've made changes to show who I really am. We were not being our true selves together. And I don't need to write him to tell him that. It's enough that I have written it here and that I know. I'm forgiving myself for not feeling adequate enough to keep him. And in forgiving myself, I have forgiven him.

I am grateful for the understanding in my heart.

I am grateful for the things I know about myself.

I am grateful to be in a new place in my life.

I am grateful to be truly happy.

I am grateful.

Five Months Later...

This blog started out as a documentation of a break up. Then I found love. And then we broke up. The documentation of that break up was essentially four blog posts.

Over the past five months since my last post, I have had a lot of career and creative triumphs. I got staffed on a show, I started developing a show, and I'm a new member of a theatre company I've long admired. Great distractions from emotions. I just got back from a trip to see my brother and his family in Portland. Then at the airport I got news that brought it all back full circle.

Apparently, The Drummer has a new boyfriend. I was talking to my friend Andrea last night and I had a feeling that he would start dating before I started dating. I'm definitely not ready to date. I'm trying to figure out the other shit too. I had a crazy time at the bathhouse this weekend where I was thrown against a wall--in a passionate way, by a guy who was passionate and drunk. I needed to release some tension. I'm not ready to date, but I want a little bit of intimacy. I'm not sure how to navigate that yet, so I'm just ignoring that part of my life. But when I find out The Drummer has a new boyfriend, I can't ignore my feelings.

If I'm being 100 percent honest with myself, I was hoping that he would be single for awhile. In my mind, that would mean that he needed time to get over the relationship. But there's no better way to get over one relationship than to get into another one, right? I had a two hour conversation with The Drummer about a few weeks ago, when he was clearly already dating this guy. I had confronted him about the fact that he needed to make an effort if he wanted us to be friends, like he claimed he wanted. But why would you want to be friends with your ex when you're in the midst of getting to know someone new? There's no motivation for that. The answer to why he wasn't reaching out to be more was right in front of my face. It's the most obvious reason.

And I've been holding on. I'm not acting like we're broken up. But I don't want to get back together either. I'm stringing myself along. So it's officially over. He's got someone new. That didn't take long. This friend told me in a way that was the equivalent of spitting on a dick and shoving it in me. No lube, no warning, not "just the tip." Full penetration.

"So I'm having a party and I wanted to invite you and ________ and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that was okay."

Boyfriend?
Excuse me?
I didn't know he had a boyfriend.
My friend knew I didn't know he had a boyfriend. I don't think she was trying to stir the pot. And it really felt like this disclosure was about making her party special.
I'm really not sure why she told me, other than to make sure I was used to the idea by the time of her party, which she mentioned.
It wasn't to be hurtful, I'm clear on that.

And in that moment I thought all the things you're not supposed to think:

• How does he have a boyfriend already?
• Was he working on this when we were together?
• He's cuter than me. He has to be cuter than me.
• He's more of a grown up. He drives a better car than me.
• Why couldn't he tell me himself?

And then I remembered that The Drummer wasn't the most direct guy. I don't know if he put our friend up to the task--indirectly or directly. And then I realized he hasn't changed. These were the reasons we're not together anymore.

• He's got to make it all seem okay when it's not.
• He wasn't going to tell me, but he was going to keep refusing my invitations to meet up.
• I was making all of the effort when he was disinterested.

And then I felt a lot of guilt. Like I had pushed him away and then he retreated and then it became this pattern back and forth. I felt sorry for myself for a good hour or so. I texted a bunch of friends for sympathy. Classic Me.

Then I thought about it some more. It's over. I need to believe that it's over. I need to move on. Not into someone else's arms. But into my own arms. I need to embrace myself and love myself and date myself for a while. I don't want to be with anyone. Maybe I was scared to be alone. Maybe that's why I stayed so long. I loved him. I wasn't suffering. But it had just gotten so complacent and I was part of that. For some reason we weren't allowing each other to grow.

I know I don't want to be back with him. And I'm honestly bummed that he's got a boyfriend. I'd like to be a bigger person, but I'm not. Not tonight, anyway.

I am grateful for friends who have kicked me in the ass.

I am grateful for the love we had.

I am grateful for the ability and capacity to move on.

I am grateful that life has been good to me.

I am grateful for distracting airport Direct TV that has Bravo.

I am grateful for Bethenny Frankel and her one liners.

I'm Not Done

I started writing this story in novel form today.

It has taken me three years and eight months to get here to a place where I can actually write about this break up and put it in context.

I wrote this blog to start talking about the break up of a relationship I had been in for five years.  The first year of this blog is really mainly about that.  Some of the details I have forgotten and I intend on going back to this blog to refresh my memory and to (ugh) relive some of this stuff.

My friend Kenchy said to me years ago when I explained to him that I had started to forget how bad it had been that my mind was healing and that's why it was allowing me to forget.

I just wrote five pages today in my office and I feel like I could write more.  I'm still uncertain as to how much I am going to fictionalize about this story.  I feel like some of the details that I never felt comfortable including in this blog will be in the novel version of this story.  I kind of have to put it all out there.  Now that my ex is in recovery, I think I feel better about that.

I never wrote about the drugs because I didn't want to tell his story.  But as I think he's beginning to tell his own story, I'm more open about it.  And I will include that in the novel.  I won't be any more explicit about it here.

I'm not sure why today was the day I decided I was ready to write about it.  I had thought about it yesterday.  And about three weeks ago, I had figured out how I would open the book.  So that's what I wrote today.  I also read a book that really influenced me.  It was a book that's about to be made into a movie and that I had been reading.  I had put off reading that book since after my break up.  I think I've had a copy of that book for the past three or so years as well.

Maybe that's what it took.  I read this book.  I realized that I had a story to tell and I decided it was time to tell it.  It's like a young kid watching a movie or a play and going, "Hey, I can do that!"  That's the thought I had.  The writer of this book is very good.  He's funny.  Notice how I'm not mentioning the title of the book or the author.  I don't want to be perceived as copying.  It's not really that sort of thing anyway.  My story is different from the story of the book.  I guess I'm just paranoid.  But that was the impetus for me to put this down.

It was after that that I imagined the beginning of the book.

Years ago (probably chronicled in the November 2011 section of this blog) my friend Caitlin had mentioned that she was reading the blog and loving it.  She asked me if I was going to do anything with it.  It just seemed so soon.  I don't think I had an idea that I had anything worth reading.  It was raw.  It was sad.  It was fresh.  But somewhere deep down I think I knew that the story wasn't done yet.

People said the same thing to me after my Dad died.

"How are you doing?"
Fine.
"Good.  So when are you going to write about this?"

My Ex even asked about that when I ran into him at Gay Pride this year.  He told me that I needed to write about my Dad's death.  Thanks, but you don't really get a say anymore.  I think something in me changed during that conversation.  As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have wanted some sort of friendship or relationship with him for a while.  It took me some time to heal and to have some perspective on what had happened.  I didn't want to see him for a long time.  I couldn't see him for a long time.  I needed to stay away.  I knew I was still fragile.  But when I was ready to make contact, something in me--the healing, forgetting part--felt like I could handle a friendship.  But he never wanted that.  And in that last interaction we had, I realized that I don't want that either.  He's not a very nice person.  He's generous.  He's gregarious.  He's a great host.  But he's not kind.  He wasn't cruel in the conversation we had, although I know how cruel he really can be.  He probably doesn't care enough to be cruel to me.  His cruelty was built on the foundation of the love and vulnerability I had with him.

The epiphany I had in that conversation was that there would be no friendship.  So I guess that really set me free to start thinking about this book.

The other story of this book IS my Dad's death.  His illness leading up to his death.  His death and then the healing that has happened since.  The book isn't just the break up.  The book isn't just about my Dad dying.  Both stories are linked.  They are a part of my journey and healing process.  Both are about putting a certain feeling about myself to bed.  And I like how both stories weave in and out a bit.

So I start this journey.  I started this journey with five pages this afternoon.

It will also give me the chance to go back and read what I have written.  I have the best notes.

I am grateful for this journey.  
I am grateful for the record of this story.
I am grateful for friends who have helped me through this.

I'm Done

I.

I started this blog three and a half years ago after a break up.  It was a traumatic time.  That led to more trauma as my father got sick and eventually passed.  As time has gone on, I have made contact with my ex and tried to get some sort of resolution about our relationship.

I've emailed.
We've talked a bit.
I've opened up.
I've tried to chat with him while we were naked at a Korean Spa about four months ago.
A part of me has wanted a friendship with him again.
We ran into each other at my friend's Gay Pride party (where I also saw him last year).
I'm done.

I'm done trying to be his friend.
I probably should have come to this conclusion earlier.
And I'm sure my friends have wondered why I have tried to be friends with him.  But I thought that maybe enough time had passed.
I don't think our resolution will be happening in our lifetimes.
And that's fine.  Partially because it has to be.
We are never ever ever getting back together.  And we are never ever ever going to be friends.
How do I know this?

Well, every time I try to talk to him it feels uncomfortable.
And despite his new sobriety, his new introspection, and weight loss, he's the same guy.
I could feel the negativity.
I could feel the closed offness.
He was sending me some pretty clear signals.  I just have to pick up on them.
He's not the nicest guy.  He never was.
And I'm trying to stay away from negativity in my life.
I am happy for his progress in his life.  I am happy that certain things that weren't able to happen while we were together, in terms of his own mental, physical and emotional health, are happening.

As I stood there, talking to him yesterday, cornering him really, I realized how much had changed in three and a half years.  I was no longer the guy who felt inferior to him, who deferred to his Alpha Maleness.  I also didn't feel like I had to prove myself to him.  He had made a remark that the best thing I had ever written was a play that I wrote about my grandmother years ago.  And it was the best thing I had ever written all of those years ago.  But it wasn't the best thing I had written since.  He has no clue about the person I have become because of the changes that happened in my life since our split.  And I finally figured out that he doesn't have the right to know about those changes any more.  I don't have to try and gain his friendship.  His friendship is not there.  And that is so okay with me now.  I understand now that we were never friends to start and wouldn't be friends now because there is no foundation there.  I wish him well.  I don't feel like I have to explain all of this to him.  I ready to go my separate way from him.

But the same things that were making him unhappy eight and a half years ago when we met are the same things that are making him unhappy now.  And that's okay.  But I don't have to be around it or chase it or resolve it or make it better.  I am perfectly complete, content, happy and loved without him in my life now or ever.

II.

The other thing I'm done with is negativity in general.  I know of a few people in my life who are just carrying a negative vibe around with them.  Ick.  And it's not like they're wearing black all of the time or drinking during the day or saying nasty shit constantly.

They're just unhappy and can't see the good around them.  And they either put up with negativity and allow it to be around them or they are outwardly negative.  It's not a malicious quality.  They are not mean.  But they are just unhappy and happy to be so.

I need them out of my life.

I am fine with listening to friends and they're problems.  I love being a sounding board.  But at a certain point, I am inviting danger and negativity into my sphere and consciousness by allowing them in my life.  It's not that I don't love them.  It's not that I won't check in on them from time to time, but I can't allow that energy in my life.  I can't let them sour my soup.

I used to wonder why there was a cloak of sadness around me and a certain group of friends I had.  It seemed like we were in the struggle and it was getting to all of us.  What I realize now is that we were pulling each other down.  As my attitude has changed, as I have worked through some of my shit, I realize that commiserating can be destructive if we are not conducting our lives differently as a result.  I am watching people I know make mistakes and I am trying not to make those same mistakes.

I love these people. I care about them.  But I am also not going to tolerate being treated in a way I shouldn't be treated.  I have a friend who has stopped calling.  I have a friend who didn't reach out when he came to LA.  I have people who don't want to be a part of my life and yet I keep trying to bring them into the fold.  If they don't want to be in my life, they shouldn't be a part of my life.  I need to let them go because they are already gone.

I have a couple of new people who have come into my life who are kind and loving and smart as hell.  We talk about things that aren't about why we're not getting this or that and why certain things aren't happening for us.  It's useless talk.  We talk about work and politics and make jokes.  We have chemistry.  It's wonderful.  Most of these people happen to be straight men, which is interesting.  Not like I haven't had close straight guy friends before.  But I definitely sense an energy shift.

In order to invite change into my life, I have to make room.  And it's time.

I am grateful for these new men in my life.
I am grateful for creative partnerships.
I am grateful for sweet people.
I am grateful for kindness and love.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.
I am grateful for change.

The Meeting

Okay, so now for a light bit of sharing (aka gossip).  The Drummer and the Ex just met each other a few weeks ago at LA Gay Pride.  Being completely honest, I have thought about how this meeting would go SEVERAL times over the past two years.  When I say several, I probably really mean hundreds.

I had gotten an invite to a friend's annual Pride Brunch.  This was a brunch that I went to every year when I was with The Ex.  We had a blast.  Lots of vodka.  Then we would all head to the parade and eventually all lose each other and have stories of our "lost Pride Sunday" to share the next time that we would find ourselves in the same room together.  Obviously, I hadn't been invited back since the Ex and I broke up.  This was his friend and I totally get it.

But this year, I got an invite.  And I thought, "Why the hell not?"  Enough time had passed and honestly, I thought that it was high time these two met.  I wasn't going to be fearful about how it was going to go down.  So The Drummer and I went with another friend of ours.  He wasn't there when we arrived.  So I just headed straight to the vodka and we all had drinks.  I saw some old friends I haven't seen in almost three years.  It was a great catch up.  There was one person in particular who definitely seemed a little scared to see me.  He looked at me like he was going to get in trouble when my Ex found out that we had talked.  Actually, he looked as if my Ex had a mini bomb implanted in his skull that was about to go off.

So we came and went from the party without seeing him.  We went to go watch the parade and as he headed down the street towards the parade I saw a mutual friend of ours and then I saw the Ex and his boyfriend.  I had enough vodka in me that I didn't skip a beat.  I went and talked to the friend first.

While we were chatting, I caught the eye of my Ex.  Also, I should mention at this point that The Drummer has no idea who I'm taking to.  It could be any gay friend of mine.  So after we caught each other's eye and I waved, I marched up to my Ex.  I gave him a hug and probably a kiss on the cheek.  Maybe.  Then I looked down at his shorts.  My Ex is quite the dresser and I saw these shorts with embroidered spiders on them.  It was a classic moment.  My heart got a little warm and I smiled because OF COURSE he had shorts with embroidered spiders.  Just like I would always picture him: a great pair of Prada loafers or a jaunty chapeau or embroidered shorts.

The first thing I said to him was, "It's good to see you."  We chatted for a second.  But then I felt I needed to introduce the Drummer.  So I said, "This is my boyfriend, _____."  Then I turned to The Drummer, who still had no idea who I was about to introduce him to and I said, "_____, this is ___."  It was after the fact, that The Drummer said, "Holy shit, I didn't realize that was ____."  They said hello to one another and then the Ex introduced me to his guy.

And this is the thing that struck me then and still sticks with me.  He never introduced him as his boyfriend, just by his name.  It felt dismissive.  And I have no right to say how this guy should be treated because as another friend mentioned to me a couple of weeks later, it's really up to the boyfriend how he wants to be treated.  Agreed.  So that was over and the last thing I said to my ex was also, "It was good to see you."  And we were off.

Admittedly, I was a little freaked out.  But it happened.  The Drummer was awesome in his surprise at the meeting that finally happened.  And he never said a discouraging thing about him.  Come to think about it, neither did I.  And frankly, that's a little surprising.

I've told friends recently that in my fantasy life, my Ex and I have lunch together.  We sit at some great outdoor table, share a bottle of Soave and say, "Wasn't that a wild ride?  Wow, we were young then."  Then we clink glasses.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could be that civilized?  It would actually be very Noel Coward, which I know would probably tickle us both.

A Change Will Do Me Good

Life changes--no matter how much we welcome them--are scary.

I am adopting a few philosophies when it comes to my approach to life:

• Say YES.
• Let go.
• Be open.
• Laugh.
• Be enthusiastic.
• Welcome surprise and change.

That might be it.  I want to invite life to get exponentially more exciting, more lucrative and more meaningful.

I'm realizing that this blog is like life.  It's got it's active periods and it's hibernation periods.  I hadn't really written on here since late December and now I'm finding life picking up again.  The winds of change.

I fully embraced our Hawaii Trip because I knew that it would be two weeks in my life that would be set aside for family, for love, and to pay tribute to my Dad.  Life had pretty much been on hold until the end of that trip  I made the conscious decision to do that.  Despite some pressures from The Drummer, who I'm not sure still quite understands what it was like to lose my Dad or carry the burden of being his caretaker, I gave homage to my feelings and didn't rush back into the rat race.  I let myself have the time to embrace my grief and to transform it into a motivation to live better and with more awareness.

Now that we made that pilgrimage to the Fatherland, life is sprouting anew.  I am pregnant with possibility and options.  Life is truly moving on.  And like I said I would experience everything fully when it came to my Father's illness and death, I am committed to fully experiencing my life from this point forward.  I am embracing the lessons and the feelings its bringing up in me.  I am choosing how I want my life to be and that feels great.

But change always is disruptive to the way things have been.  Three years ago I was in an unhappy relationship trying to make things work.  I went to fancy dinners every night.  I drove around in a beautiful convertible BMW with my boyfriend who was miserable and making me miserable.  We had two dogs.  And I was perfectly willing to sit in the stink of my unhappiness.

Then we broke up.  I was housesitting and couch surfing for a while.  I ended a job I had for seven years.  I started a new job.  And that job was the best job I ever had up to that point.  I was appreciated and valued.  I excelled at that job.  I really came into my own.  Then it ended and I was ready for the next adventure.

My Dad goes into the hospital two days into my "unemployment."  And that started a year long adventure of being there for him.  Almost immediately, I decided that I needed to be there for him and not be encumbered by a job.  I made myself available to my alma mater should they need someone to come up and do workshops.  I knew I was going to need some time away while I was dealing with my Dad's illness.  In the middle of this, I met The Drummer and my life got a little bit better.

Then I got a job teaching up there for ten weeks.  And that was probably the best job I ever had.  It was a good year for best jobs.  I found myself engaging with my students.  I came alive.  It gave me a sense of purpose.

Then that job was over and it was back to dealing with Dad and his sickness.  By April, it became clear that there was nothing that could be done and he needed our care 24/7 at the house.  I was determined that he not go into a home and I was going to do everything to make sure that didn't happen.  And I got my wish.  He died at home.

It's hard to believe that between July and March I was still going through this process of grief and figuring out the future for my Mom.  We had financial things to deal with.  Dad left us in a good place, but we needed to ensure the future for Mom.  I wanted to allow myself the time to work through my grief and sadness.  I wrote a lot throughout the whole time of Dad's illness and through his death and in the months afterwards.  I wrote two new plays and four new pilots during the past two years.

Then we got to Hawaii and returned.  It felt like it was time to start anew.  I got rid of my manager.  I finished the new pilot.  I wanted to get things moving.  A theatre was asking for a rewrite and I had another rewrite for a production I want to put up in the Fall.  Then this new job possibility came up.  Then an application for something called the Humanitas New Voices Program which would allow me to write a new pilot under the guidance of a mentor if I was awarded one of the four grants they offer.  I was ready for life to start anew and here was life waiting for me with some options.  And maybe those options won't pan out.  But then there will be other options waiting for me around the bend.

Change is upheaval.  And I have been upheaved several times over the past two plus years.  I just need to remember that it all works out and that riding the wave will bring me closer to where I want to be.

September 11th

So yesterday was a bit rough for me.  It was both  the eleventh anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York (where I lived at the time) and it was the day I had to go pick up my Dad's ashes from the Neptune Society. 

I couldn't get out of bed on Monday, just thinking about it.  And I couldn't figure out why I felt so unmotivated.  Of course my lack of motivation made me feel like a loser.  I have this time to write where I'm not going into an office and I'm WASTING it.  That's the thought that went through my mind.  I did everything else though: gym, dance class, eating, grocery shopping, doing laundry, doing dishes, masturbating, etc.

I watched THE VOICE on NBC and was crying buckets. 

Then I woke up early on Tuesday and tried to get some work done.  No dice.  Then I made the long trek from Burbank to San Pedro.  Grey skies.  My mood was getting darker as the sky darkened.  I drove to the Neptune Society office, told them who I was there to pick up, waited in an office for ten minutes, the woman came back out with a purple tote bag and a box with my Dad's remains in them.  I thanked her and then slipped out the door and drove off. 

Was this a drug drop off?

I had him.  Everything he was to my physically was now gone.  I thought about the bible quote about us being ashes and returning to ashes.  I thought about the twin towers and how they burned to ashes along with the people who burned to ashes that day.  I thought of the smell of burning that went through my neighborhood in Park Slope that day and for many days afterward.  I thought about two events that changed me forever. 

I never cried on September 11th, but the anniversaries of that event make me cry every year.  It's the same thing with my Dad.  I didn't cry the day he died.  But I've had many moments in the seven weeks since where I've cried alone. 

Just like the ashes from the Towers signaled the end of the person I was before September 11th, 2001...the ashes of my Father signal the end of the person I was before July 23, 2012.  I embrace the difference and I walk in that difference.  I don't want to be that person I was before because that person was gone.  Just like the person I was before November 1, 2010.

And like a Phoenix (my favorite character in the Marvel Universe, btw)...I will rise from those ashes.

Dream of Letting Go

I had an interesting dream last night. 

I dreamt of letting go.

In my dream, my Mom was moving everything out of the house and having a bunch of people help get everything out.  I threw a fit and started calling my Brother to get her to stop.

Then I had a thought: Just let it go.  My serious objection must be there for a reason.  Maybe it was there to teach me to let it all go.

That seems to be the theme of my life this year.

LET IT GO.

I let go of the expectations I had of my Father.  I was at peace with him when he died.

I let go of my feeling that my Mother had to have her shit together and hold it together when I needed her.  She was going through her own grief and at the moment my need to have her as a partner conflicted with her need to just let her emotions fly.  I realized finally that I was doing fine.  I didn't need her in that way.

I am trying to let go of this feeling that everyone needs to take care of me.  My boyfriend is where he's at.  He won't understand what I'm going through with my Dad until he loses one of his parents.  And if he's there, I'll be there for him.  Just like my friend Nicole was there for me in a way I wasn't able to be there for her when her Dad died last year.

I got mad that my Ex didn't make more of an effort in acknowledging my Dad's death.  Again, I wanted him to take care of me.  Even almost two years after our breakup.  I have to let that go.  It wasn't his job during our relationship, nor is it his job now.  Especially not now.

I need to put that on post its and post them everywhere:

LET IT GO

I'll keep up with that mantra until it happens.  I'm finding more and more to chip away at.  Get rid of it.

The Long Let Go

Saw Dad today.

He slept  most of the time I was there. 

I had to change him and I had to wipe him clean.  Humbling. 

All sense of embarrassment (on my end at least) is gone.  I just have to do what I have to do to make him comfortable.  I never imagined myself doing the things I've done.

I yelled at a few people on the phone today.  But I'm used to that.  And I'm sure Gerinet Healthcare is used to that as well.  Oh, well.  That's what I have to do to make sure my father's taken care of.

We have to figure out how we're going to let him go.  Is it okay to tell him it's okay for him to go?  It's a scary prospect.  And I feel a bit selfish that I'm the one who might have to do it.  It's a huge responsibility and I'm not afraid of that.  But I think it's a precious thing and since my Mother can't do it and my Brother isn't in town...that leaves me.

I'm also thinking about this story.  My story.  The story of letting my Father go.  I have a story I feel I need to tell.  I've been reading all of these celebrity autobiographies in preparation for a pilot I'm writing.  But it has dawned on me that maybe I"m reading all of these autobiographies and memoirs because there's something in it for me as well.  Maybe I'm doing research for a memoir I'm supposed to write without knowing it.  It seems strange to think about, but it also is helping me contextualize what I'm going through.

I also have another story of letting go to tell.  It's the one I've been telling on this blog for the past year and a half.  And I realized recently that they are tied, so I can't tell one story of letting go without telling the other one.  I feel that what I went through with my breakup with the Ex has helped me process what I'm going through in my "break up" with my Father. 

A lot to think about.

Full Circle

Well, it's Halloween.

Halloween was the day it all fell apart in my relationship last year. I had my sort of melancholy day of rememberance yesterday...and today, I'm excited. I just woke up next to a man that I care a great deal for. We slept in each other's arms all night. He tells me exactly what's on his mind. He's got a hot body and we have ridiculous sex...often.

What a difference a year makes.

We're going to the Halloween Parade in WeHo tonight as a Cowboy and Indian...with other friends who are going to be cowboys and indians. I actually might run into the Ex...but I don't seem to care. We might actually run into the friends who The Drummer and I share in common, but don't know that we're dating. That's fine. I'm ready to take my relationship onto the streets of West Hollywood.

I want Halloween to be a time of fun and silliness and not just the anniversary of the day I decided my relationship was over. And I think it will be.

Yesterday, the Drummer and I hung out in Venice. It was a beautiful day and we found great parking, which for me is kind of like finding a pot of gold. Then we walked down to the beach and ran into my friend Callie. When I went to introduce The Drummer, it turns out that he knows Callie as well. What? That's wackadoodle! So we joined Callie and her friends for lunch. That was fun.

Then we parted ways and decided to rent a tandem bike. At first, I was hesitant. I thought it might be cheesy or difficult to maneuver. But the Drummer pressed on. He wanted to do it and I didn't want to be a Debby Downer. So we rented the bike and got on. And instantly...I was like, "Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!" It was awesome! I felt like I was twelve years old and I was riding on the back of the bike of the boy I like. It felt liberating. I don't know...it was this weird moment of feeling like I guess most people feel when they're doing something with their heterosexual partners. We were both pedaling fast and jamming down the beach. I guess that's what happens when you've got two fit people cycling down. It just felt like I was riding with my man. It was silly and great simple fun. I'm glad I got out of my own head and just went with it.

Then The Drummer suggested we drive out to the high desert. And I just say "Okay." I mean, the day is going well so far, why get in the way with my opinion, right? So one of the first stops we make is at this General Store called Charlie's near Palmdale. It's like a candy and food emporium. So while we're picking some snacks to for the road, I hear something on the sound system. I gasp. Then I call The Drummer over. One of my favorite songs, "I Love Everything About You" by Stevie Wonder is on. I think it's from InnerVisions, but it's a more obscure song. It's no "Superstition" or "Do I Do." But it's my FAVE. And just how I was feeling that day, it just was the perfect thing. I made him listen to it. That's definitely how I'm feeling, but I haven't said it yet. And I actually even said as much a few weeks ago. I said, "I love just everything about you." I didn't remember that until now. It's as close as I've gotten to saying those actual three words, even though they seem to be on the tip of my tongue all of the time.

We get a couple of milk shakes, Boysenberry and Date, respectively, and hit the road. We keep stopping our conversation to point out the mountains and the gorgeous pinks, blues, reds and oranges that are a part of the sunset. It's breathtaking. Then "Sweet Inspiration" by the Sweet Inspirations comes on the radio. We're listening to Sirius XM's Soul Town. That happens to be one of my faves as well. Actually, the Barbra Streisand version that she performed on "Barbra Streisand and Other Musical Instruments." I saw it years ago at the Museum of TV and Radio in NYC. I'm not old enough to remember it myself. But it was terrific. And it's also on her Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 AND on the A Happening in Central Park album. She merges it with "Where You Lead" by Carole King. And that's kind of how I felt earlier in that day. I would go where he leads.

And right after that, Gladys Knight and the Pips' "If I Was Your Woman" comes on. There's nothing like Gladys Knight and the Pips. "Neither One Of Us" is one of my faves as well. So I felt like the soul singers of yesteryear were looking over us and providing a bit of a soundtrack. And it was the perfect way to spend the day with my sweetheart, on the eve of the anniversary of the day I walked out from my past relationship. It was a hearty reminder that things have indeed gotten better in a year's time. And that they were only going to improve.

It's because I don't feel threatened that he's trying to change me that I can watch football, that I can ride tandem, that I can just let go of my bossy nature. I hated doing the things that my Ex wanted to do because I felt like he was trying to control me. I realize now that part of that was my own shit. But he was also bossy. But with the Drummer, it's not a threat. I like being exposed to new things and so does he. Although I'm sure he's gotten his fill of the Real Housewives of...Everywhere.

Leaving the Past in the Past

I've been having these dreams lately about my dogs.

When I broke up with the Ex, I had to leave my dogs behind becuase I didn't know where I would be living. And to be honest, he was the one who had suggested we get them in the first place. I obviously fell in love with them and together we were this family. But because I haven't seen my Ex, I haven't seen my dogs.

So before I had class yesterday, I reached out to my Ex in an email saying that I had been dreaming about the dogs and that I would love to see them. I also said that I hoped we could be friendly.

His response back was that he was on his Shamanic journey in Kauai and had asked for healing energy. SO he wasn't surprised that I was reaching out to him. But that he felt that it might be confusing for the dogs if I saw them again, so he'd have to think about it. Because I had left them behind and hadn't reached out during his time of need, he didn't know if this was the right thing to do.

And my response to that was that I had left them behind because I had to do what was right for me. I would never be so arrogant as to think what might be right for him, so I had to do what was right for me. I also said that even though our break up might have not been great for him emotionally, I'm certain that the other areas of his life are benefiting because I'm no longer an opposition for him. We eventually wanted different things from life and were just getting in each other's way.

I needed someone who's not so hidden from me emotionally. I needed not to feel wrong at every turn. I needed to feel loved unconditionally. And while some of that is happening with the Drummer, I still struggle with being comfortable with all of it. Just because I need it doesn't mean that it's easy for me to accept. That's MY healing.

So whatever happens with the Ex, if we are friends or friendly or non-existent to each other, I'm happy about that. He sent healing energy to me AND for us. And I thank him for that because this is what's helping me heal. Every spiritual practice that he introduced me to, I've benefited from. From Kabbalah to working with this shaman. It's helped me process what is going on in my life. It's a good thing.

And if I never see my dogs again, I just asked him if he would just let them know that I love them from time to time. It breaks my heart, and I think it's unnecessarily cruel and not very spiritual, but again I can't be so arrogant to think of what might be right for him to do. All I can do is leave the past in the past and be here now.

Recap

I've been watching THE A LIST on Logo, which is pretty annoying and pointless. But the recaps called THE EASY A LIST are much more compelling, so I thought I'd do a quick recap of recent events since last Thursday when I posted last.

Friday: I had a busy day. I had lunch with The Drummer before he headed out of town again for a gig. We held hands and ate Mexican food at Marix in WeHo and were spotted by a good friend of mine. It was romance, romance, blah, blah, blah. The same as usual. I'm into him and it's sweet.

Then I went over to my best friend Alanna's house where she had news for me. She ran into my Ex...just FOUR HOURS EARLIER!!!!!

Recap within a Recap: They ran into each other at the Vet, my dogs are now fat, he looks the same, it was difficult for him to ask about how I was doing, my best friend called him out on his bad behavior and he told her to tell me that he said hello.

Alanna and I had cocktails out at the Abbey in the sunshine, talked to an older queen and his black fag hag and then I moved my car, headed back to the Abbey and met up with my friend Brian.

Brian is a set designer who's in town for a show he's working on. He's married to a successful photographer. I had crushes on them both when we met in Louisville, KY last year. Brian and I had Manhattans to celebrate the occasion of seeing each other and then he had to head to an Emmy party. I went home.

Saturday:
My Dad went back into the hospital for a night. I was incredibly angry with him. Then I was angry with my brother. Then I opened up to my friend Nicole about the situation and ended up crying. Then I went to a fabulous party for my friend Emily, who's an interior designer and I danced my ass off. Talked to her friends, saw some of my friends and had an all around glam night, while trying to forget about my dad and his craziness.

Sunday:
Was hungover. Started reading JUST KIDS by Patti Smith at the suggestion of a friend from the party the night before. Dad came home. I've hardly spoken to him.

Monday:
Did a bit of work. Had dinner with my friend Jen, who is also a good friend of the Ex's. Jen's someone who I trust to be straight up and we had a great conversation about everything going on. She was incredibly supportive and understanding of the situation with the Ex. We hadn't seen each other since the break up. We talked a lot about life changes and what happens when you leave a situation that's not good for you. She works for a famous celebrity and it's time to leave. I think it was good that we had that time together.

Then I went over to the Drummer's house. We went out for dinner and came home and had hot amazing sex. It's fun being with him and we are both very excited for this coming weekend.

And that's my recap of the events of the past five days. Quick. Easy. And no boring details.

Getting Laid

About four weeks ago I was near the breaking point. It had been about 9 months since I had had proper sex. I really needed to get laid. I didn't care that I might have to break my rule of not having casual anal sex...I just needed some booty! I was desperate. I mean...there were some good candidates. I had some guys I had been fucking around with, but I've only done that (for the most part) in a relationship. There was that one specific time in a gym shower in Louisville, KY when I wasn't in a relationship, but that is another story.

Then I met The Drummer, and although we haven't done "the deed" yet, I want to. Given the fact that everything else so far has been spectacular, I have a strong feeling the sexy time is going to be quite the wild ride. There's something about having chemistry with someone. It's undefinable. But when you've got it, you don't know why, but it's there. There has been a lot of kissing and oral, but nothing else. And it has created quite the build up. It's actually exactly how I like to do it. It's been so long since I've had descent sex that has been attached to caring about someone that it's a new sensation.

Sex is great outside of the context of a relationship or having a commitment. It's fun to do. But having sex with someone you dig and have chemistry with outside of the bedroom is amazing.

The Drummer asked me last night if he was too touchy feely. I told him that he could never be too touchy feely with me. And he can never over express how he's feeling. This time last year I was begging for my boyfriend to just touch me. I felt so disconnected because I thrive on physical touch. I love giving massages. I love kissing and I love laughter. Sex is a silly proposition when you think about it. Where you put your mouth and what you lick and what you stick in someone or have stuck in you. It's mechanical and strange until you add feeling and humor. I look at The Drummer and I'm instantly excited. As I told him last night, it's not just his looks and his cock and all of the goodies. It's that underneath all of that a heart beats. He says how he's feeling from moment to moment.

The ex used to say to me that I liked to talk too much. I loved the "play by play", he used to say. And I apologized for that. I felt bad for that. But I LOVE the play by play. I love to talk about what's going on and why. He didn't need that apparently, mainly because he's emotionally stunted. But that's no reason to try to change the way I do things. I won't accept anyone in my life any more who's not willing to let me be me. And I won't tolerate myself not letting someone be who they are. It just does not work.

I'm beginning to understand that the things I remember about my ex are the memories that you attach to things. I love the restaurants we used to go to. The trips we took. I love shirts he gave me. Mementos. I love the souvenirs more than I love the trip I took. And with The Drummer, I am so into the trip that I don't need the souvenirs.

Farewell Recap: My Ex

As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.

But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.

TODAY'S SUBJECT:

My Ex

Okay, so you know we're getting near the end of this journey if I've got a blog entry called "MY EX".

Carrie Bradshaw in SEX AND THE CITY, Season 4, Episode 3: Defining Moments said, "Maybe what defines a relationship is another relationship." Well, I'm not quite in a relationship with The Drummer, but I think the short amount of time spent with him so far has made a lot of things clearer to be about the past relationship. And a lot of it has been discussed in this blog.

But here's the thing. It's about respect. And I never should have compromised that. But without compromising that I would have never gotten to this place. It's like when I left LA for NYC, I didn't appreciate the wonderful things about my hometown until I left and came back. I didn't appreciate the good things about myself until I left and came back. I took plenty for granted and now those precious things to me like my self respect I will never take for granted again.

My Ex is a talented, charismatic, brilliant human being who needs a lot more heart to go with his head. It's kind of the finishing touch that would make everything better. It's that last pinch of salt on a sauce. Maybe a splash of white wine on the clams. Heart elevates everything. I devoted five years of my life to someone I believed in and really would have walked through the fire for (thank you Chaka Khan) and did.

Oh to be with him, I gladly risked it all...I'm paraphrasing. Right down to the wire. Even though the fire.

But fortunately I gave that to myself and I've elevated what was already there. But that's been covered. Here are the lessons that I'm learning in approaching my approach to happiness (not calling anything a relationship at this point):

Stay the person you are: I changed with the Ex. I became Hopelessly Devoted to Him. I thought that he would know how much I was devoted to him if I devoted all of myself to him. Yes, he was fully receptive of this. But I made the first move. I created the monster. This is where we basically locked into a well-established dynamic that was set up from our respective upbringings. I would love to blame him for treating me that way, but I gave him no choice. When he wanted me, there I was making it all about him. While that might have been a familiar dynamic to him, I stopped offering him an alternative early on.

Continue doing what you do: The Drummer hasn't stopped drumming since I came along and I don't want him to. So The Writer needs to keep writing and The Dancer needs to keep dancing and The Gym Boy needs to keep going to the gym and The Individual needs to keep being himself. The Ex fell in love with the person I was and fell out of love with the person I had turned into.

Is a lot of this starting to sound like I think it's my fault. Not intentional. But I'm taking responsibility because it's my blog and it's really easy to just lay it all on him since he has no say. It takes two to tango.

Good Sex to Start...Good Sex to Continue: The Drummer and I have already discussed the things we're going to try, the things we're consider our Greatest Hits, and the things we're going to research. There is chemistry and I will never enter into a relationship without the chemistry. A good friend of mine said wisely once that sex does not create intimacy, but it does deepen it. Our intimacy didn't deepen and that has to do with a million things besides sex, but there was not a daily practice of continuing and deepening intimacy. And I accepted that after one serious reprimand and never discussed my dissatisfaction again because his happiness/not hurting his feelings were more important than my happiness and my feelings. I know now that is what I did.

Talking is Fundamental: I'm talking about communication, y'all. I love to talk. I love to overtalk. I should never undertalk. I like to know what's going on and what the other person is feeling. And I gave that up for a person who was uncomfortable doing that. I was made to feel bad for wanting to talk it out and I spent a lot of frustrated moments thinking of how to overcome it. The answer - don't overcome it. Find someone who wants to communicate as much as I do.

No One Gonna Take Away My R&B and Soul: I love Cee Lo. Mary J. Blige. Chaka. Lisa Stansfield. Jorge Miguel aka George Michael. Patti Labelle. Music that expresses emotion in a loud, bombastic, danceable way. Non negotiable.

It has never been clearer to me than lately that my Ex was not the right one for me. My friends tried to convince me that was true three months, six months, a year before the break up. And two weeks, two months and after we broke up. But I couldn't hear it then. I missed him too much. I thought that maybe there might be an opportunity.

I have a friend who doesn't speak to me because I think she wants us to get back together and was the only person who tried to convince me to speak to him after the break up. And she's the only person who I know who might send him this link. I hope she doesn't out of respect to me. But if she did, then so be it. I have nothing to hide.

Maybe we both grow from this experience and find the right people for ourselves. When we had big fights he would say that maybe the answer is to break up so that we could truly find happiness. I don't know if he knew more than I did in those moments and that it was just me that needed to hang on. I think that as much as he said that and didn't want to confront the emotional truth in our relationship, that he didn't fully want us to break up. Maybe he stayed because he felt I needed that the most and was afraid I'd be fragile and break. Maybe I'll never know.

And that's okay. No maybes.

Dear friend,

The best to you. You opened my eyes to bigger things. I had already done a lot with my life when we met, but you are someone who wants to eat the whole pie and not a slice. You realize that "life is a buffet and most poor souls are starving to death." You live that in every fiber of your being. So that is what I will take from my love for you. I will live big.

But I hope you take something from me. Love big. Love so big that you are vulnerable. But love so big that your eyes stay wide open as well. Don't be blind, like I was. Tin Man, no more.

I don't know if we'll ever see each other again. I don't know if we'll cross paths because I'm checking out some different paths. But if we do see each other, I hope we will both be gracious.

Love,


Your Friend

Breakthrough

My Mom and I have spent some special time together this week as my Dad's been in the hospital with the after effects of Congestive Heart Failure and some kidney problems.

Today we had a major moment. We kind of crossed over from the kid/parent dynamic into being two adults who have had relationships with men who are emotionally shut down and who we have run around trying to make everything better.

I held my Mom as she admitted that she felt alone. It was a profound moment.

And I got to share my lessons of trying to make a relationship work with someone who refuses to deal with the things that are destroying his life. It was then that I felt grateful that I had those experiences so I could share my knowledge with my Mom. These are two different situations, but the common thread is that we have both felt that we could take care of everything and that our taking care of everything was emblematic of our strength. But, as I explained to her earlier, just because we have the strength doesn't mean we need to prove how strong we are nor does it mean that handling everything is our responsibility.

Although my Mom's best friend tried to prove to me other wise and implied that I didn't understand because a spouse or a family member was different from a friend or boyfriend. I had to let that one go...

But my Mommy and I had a big breakthrough in terms of our relationship. I think we understood each other as people who have hurt and been hurt because of our spouses. And for me, it's about breaking the cycle of my parents' life and experience. And my Mother finally seeing me step away and what I was stepping away from. My Mom has always been supportive of this break up. But she never equated it with what she was doing in her own marriage. Until today, I think.

I think it also brought the two of us closer together as a family.

It has been a busy past few days.

And it's the ex's 40th today. I sent him a brief text wishing him the best. It's done.

Meet Nude

In Romantic Comedy Films, when two characters meet in a charming, adorable, totally unrealistic fashion, it’s said that they “meet cute.” Well, today I had a “meet nude” at the Korean Spa.

My bosses had given me a gift certificate to the Korean Spa I go to. I decided to go and get a massage and relax in the steam room and sauna. The massage was intense. When asked, I told the masseuse to go for it and give me tons of pressure. Ouch. It ended up being great, but five minutes into the massage I was regretting my instructions.

Afterwards, I relaxed in the steam room where this cute guy sat next to me. At first, I thought it might be the Return of New Haven. This guy looks exactly like him. It’s kind of scary. And since it was the spa, all of the bits and goodies were fully exposed. He hopped out of the steam room because it was getting a bit too steamy…in every regard.

I went to the patio to cool off and he was sitting there. I said hi and he said hi. There was a lot of silence. Some hesitation. Maybe some nerves. And there it was staring at me…his privates. And of course, me being me, I had to comment on the fact that I could see his penis. But he admitted to being comfortable naked. I like that quality in a man. He mentioned that he had to be at a meeting at 7:30. Then he quickly corrected himself: “I didn’t mean AA. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I have plenty of friends who are in AA and it’s good that they’re there.”

There’s one person in my life who I wish was in AA, but I didn’t think it was an appropriate time to mention that. So I agreed that I had friends who had benefitted greatly from AA. He did say that a lot of friends had asked him if he was going to AA lately. This raised eyebrows.

“Are you a heavy drinker?” I asked with some trepidation, but also to just put the kibosh on this interaction right now if that’s where it’s headed. He said that he wasn’t. As is my tradition, I had proposed a little short-term pleasure, and he mentioned that he’s a bigger fan of something that’s a bit less anonymous. So I asked him if we could exchange numbers to grab a drink some time. And he said he’d like that.

I just asked someone out. And this person happened to be naked and fully exposed when I did. I’m okay with that. It was nice to meet someone to have a conversation with. Naked. But a solid conversation none the less. And he was a bit shy, which is a nice change of pace. But he seemed to have personality. So who knows? I called his phone to leave him my number and he texted me back after I got out of my friend Padraic’s play. I like a quick responder. I do have a concern or two that he reminds me New Haven, who’s a friend who reminds me of my ex. And he fits the profile for guys that I have dated in the past.

I’m deciding not to put any expectations on any of it. And my concerns will be there if it’s of any consequence and I’ll deal with them then. So I’m just going to enjoy the rest of the week finishing the latest draft of this new play, getting ready to see my theatre friends and my high school friends this weekend. There’s plenty going on and if I end up having a drink with this guy, that’ll be nice. But not a priority.

It’s nice being flirted with, however.

Gay Pride: The Recap

Earlier in the week I had gotten a phone call from my friend Steve asking me if I was going to Gay Pride this year. For me, it was a loaded question. I had spent the past five Gay Prides in LA with my ex-boyfriend. We went to our friend Jerry's brunch, we went out and usually lost each other a few hours later, then sent crazy texts back and forth and ended up reconnecting either at home or out.

Now thinking about it: Why would I even be nostalgic about that?

The hangover the next day was horrific and I'd feel all sorts of regret. But this is what I knew for five years. So when Steve asked me if I was going, I said that I would only go if he and his boyfriend were going. I didn't want to go alone. He agreed that we would all go together. I felt secure with that. I didn't want to run into the old crew by myself.

Then yesterday, we made plans to meet up around 4. I went and worked out, did my pre-pride pump workout so I would look extra muscley...because I knew if I ended up shirtless listening to Top 40 remixes on a dance floor, that I wanted to be ready to go. Also, I wanted to look hot in case I ran into the ex or one of his friends who could tell the ex how hot I looked.

I was done with my workout by 2 and I had time to kill. But instead I decided that I would go out by myself and when the guys came out, I'd just meet them somewhere. It started to occur to me that I was placing way too much importance on whether or not I'd run into the ex. I could still have fun by myself. I never used to have a problem going out alone, so why now? So I found a great parking spot, walked up the street and headed into the belly of the beast.

Well, it wasn't 15 minutes that I was out when I ran into my friend Tim, who's an ex-boyfriend of my ex's best friend. He was meeting his friends out at Eleven, a big gay bar on the main drag. So I went with him, we caught up a bit about how immature ex-boyfriends can be and met up with his friends. The friends were drunk and silly. Someone handed me a drink and we were on our way to the LASC party, which coincidentally was the party I was at on Halloween when the seeds of the break up were planted. I figured why not go back to the scene of the crime.

Well, we couldn't get into the party. Someone was going to try and get eight of us in. I felt like I was in my early 20s again, trying to get into some frat party or something. And that's not a bad thing. So the group kind of splintered off. Tim and his new boyfriend decided to go home. I decided to head back towards the action.

As I was walking, watching all of the leather daddies holding hands, the pair of stilt walkers, the groups of friends in their rainbow boas for their first Gay Pride...I felt a bit alone again. So I headed into Here Lounge, which was the only bar that didn't have a huge line to get in. I got a beer and looked around at all of the friends who were there together. As I was doing my fifth loop around the bar, I saw a couple of familiar faces in the VIP area...

Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy.

Not that I KNOW Bethenny and Jason personally, but I'm addicted to BETHENNY EVER AFTER...I've even written about them on this blog. But they were kind of huddled in the back of their roped off area...I'm not sure if they knew any of the people they were with. And part of me wanted to go up to them just so they could try to introduce me to Andy Cohen, who I believe was in town for Pride.

But my next thought was to wait for my friend Steve to meet me and then we could go up and talk to Bethenny and Jason together. Steve said he was on his way.

I went back outside to the patio. Then this really cute young kid grabbed me and said, "Oh my God, hi Eric!" He turned to his friend and said, "My brother went to school with him!" I had no idea who this kid was. "It's Nick! Carlo's brother!" Still...no clue. But the blond kid he was talking to was HOT. But he was Nick's straight roommate, who eventually spent the rest of the afternoon shirtless. Even though he was worried that guys would be hitting on him. He couldn't have been that worried.

Then I realized that yes, I did know Nick and his very handsome brother Carlo who I did West Side Story with in college. I smoked cigarettes and chatted with Nick and his friends for a bit and then I saw someone I knew a few feet from me.

It was Jason, who was the host at Cecconi's and then moved onto Soho House. The ex and I spent a lot of time at Cecconi's and then he became a member at Soho House after we broke up. He was with Karen, another employee at both establishments. Well, they were happy to see me and they had since left the company entirely and started off on new adventures. Karen cut off all of her hair and died it platinum blonde. She looked like Agnus Deen.

Then Steve texted me and said the lines were too long and he was going back home.

So I hung out with Jason and Karen...we ran into another Cecconi's friend, an adorable brit I've always had a crush on named Craig. He was with his boyfriend and their friends. And I wasn't alone any more.

I had taken my shirt off...I was feeling free. I no longer cared if I ran into the ex. Or his friends. Or anyone who knew him or us when we were an US. Jason said that he was happy to see that I was fully experiencing myself as my own person. That it sounded like I had taken off on this new adventure. Then he told me he was going to meet friends of his that he was in RENT in a few months ago. Then we talked about my play reading coming up. He asked me if I was an actor and I told him that I was actually a playwright. Then he said, "Oh my God. I had no idea. We just opened up a whole new area of things to talk about and have in common."

Yeah, I thought. I just shared with you a major part of who I am. I'm no longer in the shadow. It's awfully cold in that shadow and you can't have your shirt off when you're in the shadow. The light was definitely shining on me.

And I realized something else...I haven't been in the shadow for a long time. I didn't need to be worried that I was going to run into the ex. I didn't need to worry about coming out by myself. And the fact that my friends, who I thought I needed emotional support from, didn't show up didn't even matter. This person that I have been trying to be or been wanting to turn into...that person always existed, first of all. And secondly, I came out of the cocoon a long time ago.

I started talking to this lovely woman named Heather, who was friends with Nick, who seemed to know everyone. We ended up getting on the ex-boyfriend tip and discussed all of the issues at play in the break up. And this very glamourous, fashionable woman looked at me and said...

"Well, you look like you're over it. You seem like a sweet guy, you've got a great body..."

I must have given her a look because she then added:

"You can tell that you work at it." And I simply said "Thank you."

I know I should always know these things about myself, that the affirmations should come from within, but I don't always see it until a complete stranger makes a comment like that.

And that body came from hard work. It meant that I had been focusing on myself for the past seven months. And she noticed that. Not just the body, but the healing that's been going on and she acknowledged that in that one statement. And I couldn't have gotten a complement like that if I hadn't come out by myself, trusted I would have fun and felt good enough to take my shirt off.

So thank you, Heather. I will most likely never see you again, but thank you.

We eventually ended up back at Eleven where we arranged to meet up with some of Jason's and Karen's friends.

I went to the bar to get us some beers. While I was there, I noticed a cute blonde guy with a green t-shirt on. Rugged, handsome and waiting to place a drink order as well. He offered his hand and introduced himself as Lee. He made some small talk about how sticky the floor was and then said he would be out in the back area with his friends. We said "Happy Pride" and he went on his way. It wasn't until I had gotten home later that night that I realized that maybe he wanted me to come to the back area and say hi.

But that's not what yesterday was about. I was fine. Chatting it up with Jason and Karen. Talking to their friends...one last smoke break and pep talk from Jason telling me that I had to let my ex go. I couldn't be a caretaker any more. And even though I know that, it was nice to hear it from someone who knew us when we were an US, but who wasn't one of my ex's inner circle. Jason shared with me that he had to start over after he broke up with his ex because they all had the same friends. Jason had met this guy right after moving to LA.

And that's exactly what I was doing. Starting over. Establishing my new circle. I just became a member of a group called The Playwrights Union. I have my cast and director for my reading. I have some old friends. I'm seeing my high school classmates this weekend...I'm doing this on my own. And I couldn't be happier because I know that people are seeing me for a change.

And isn't that what the past seven months have been about? This blog, this journey, these reflections?

So sorry, no stories of making out with hot guys or blackouts this year. But I guess that's appropriate because I'm not running away from anything this year. I'm not trying to escape.

I'm fine right here.

Forget Before! Let's Talk About After!

Well, let's talk about before for a quick second. Almost six months ago I weighed around 178, my skin had a greyish tint, I was a bit puffy and my legs were out of shape from when I ran the marathon four years prior. My hair was longer. And I had a general state of melancholy. I tried to be happy, but the toll my relationship had on me was wearing me down. I lived for someone else. I went to work to a job I hated and I came home and watched reality TV. That was my only comfort. Oh, well I would eat, which is why even at 5'10", 178 pounds, which isn't overweight, I was hanging on to weight I didn't need.

Now I work out three times a week. And I have dance class twice a week. Currently, I also have dance rehearsals two days a week, so for the next two weeks, I will be dancing four days a week. When I'm not in dance rehearsals, I usually take a yoga class on Saturday mornings with my friend Nicole. I completed a 21 day cleanse and I've stopped smoking (for the most part, I'll have a quick puff here and there). I'm down to about 165-168. It's not just about the fitness, which I'm super excited about, it gives me tons of energy. It's about meeting new people and doing something I love. I also have a new job I love, where I feel a sense of purpose and a sense of movement. I'm motivated to keep moving. I don't drink coffee or soda anymore, which is crazy. I never thought I'd do that, but I love my energy level too much to go back to it.

I started this blog really for myself to just chart what was going on in my life. Often it's honest. Often it's also the mundane details of my life. But it's the every day details that eventually - six months and 163 posts later - make me look back and think that I've really accomplished something. And there's so much further to go.

I've been a gypsy for six months, moving around from place to place, subletting here and crashing there. I need to focus on a new place to live. I need to focus on the next opportunity job wise - where will this amazing opportunity take me? I need to really have a focused plan for that. And the next big thought process is about dating. From the last post, you can see that I'm starting to think about it. I hate all of my pictures right now, which is fine. I don't think my pictures are capturing the change that I feel, but that's okay too. I look at guys and I no longer think, "he's too good looking for me." Well, I might say it. But I don't really believe it. I no longer think he's too smart for me or too tall for me or too well adjusted for me. I'm still in the random hook up stage of my healing. So the guys that I'm hooking up with and meeting at the gym are hot. The guys I'm having casual encounters with are physically fantastic. Not that they all have to be. But I'm no longer shocked when a aesthetically pleasing man wants my number, my body or my cock.

I'm a sexual person, y'all. I will talk about my love of cock til the cows come home and leave again.

I'm starting to think that maybe I want to date a bit. I finally asked out Handsome Brit last week. Ask out is a strong phrase. But I said we should get a drink sometime. He's got a good smile. I ran into another guy I had a great conversation with at the spa last week. He sells cookbooks to schools. And he's got a fantastic body and a lot of interesting things to say. He's "my speed", as they say. My best friend's Mom keeps promising to set me up with a guy she's thought I should be dating for years. I'm not really going to do the online thing right now. Never say never, but I am meeting guys just out and about, and I prefer that.

All of these things are going so well that it would be hard to go back and live the life I used to live. I felt stuck for years and I didn't know what to do about it. And now I'm swinging from vine to vine and I'm excited for the next leap, even if I don't know for sure if a vine is available for me to grab onto. It always seems to be. But I'm not always sure. I keep reaching, though.

The feelings I had for my ex are changing. I can feel it. I think part of it was seeing him last week. I didn't feel like myself. It's like caffeine. For years I was convinced I needed it to go about my day. That I would be destroyed without it. Now that I've given it up, the feeling in my body every day (even when I'm tired) is so much better than what I felt drinking caffeine that it's not hard to do without it. It's the same with the ex. My daily experience of being in this body, in this mind, in this frame of mind is so much better than what my daily life was with him that it's no longer becoming a struggle. I never thought I would say that six months ago. And now I can appreciate how much I loved my caffeine and how much it did for me, but I don't need it any more. It doesn't change how great it is for some people and it doesn't change how bad it is for me now.

Waking the Dead

I have a friend whose father passed away this week. His funeral was a couple of days ago. The family had a reception after the private service and I ran into the ex. Truthfully, I knew that he would be there. And I was determined to look good when he saw me.

Okay, so maybe the focus of the day should be on the person who has passed. Sure. But my vanity got the best of me.

I got to the reception a little late. I ran into some old friends when I walked in. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the ex. And he was looking right at me. Of course, I knew I had to make it over there eventually. But then I saw another friend and a co-worker and then I had to go talk to my friend's mother, who apparently didn't know we had broken up and had asked him how I was. Awkward. We had a big laugh about it and then I went over to talk to him.

We haven't spoken. And I guess we still haven't really spoken, since we barely said 10 words to each other that day. He had these black/dark greenish thick rimmed glasses on. I told him it was very Swifty Lazar (an old legendary Hollywood agent who used to throw a famous Oscar party at Spago). Okay, so maybe comparing him to a fat, old, dead Jewish guy wasn't the most complementary thing in the world. But they're in the same business and I thought it was a complement. He said the glasses were more "A Single Man", the movie with Colin Firth directed by Tom Ford. I thought it was impolite to argue.

And that was basically it. Other than a few obligatory, "how's the business", "how are you" questions.

This is how it felt: strange. I had been harboring all of this nostalgia for the past couple of months. And I felt like I should have felt. Like a stranger in his life. Because our lives are divergent. But at the same time I felt like I always felt. Like a stranger. Sure, we had things in common and common dreams and goals. But his were all motivated by money, status and prestige. I should say perceived status and prestige. It was important for him to tell the story of the glasses and the fact that he got the $400 "cheap" version vs. the very expensive ones made out of bone. More than anything, it just proved to me how different we are in some fundamental ways. I want money. I want to be successful as a writer and get paid for it. I'm already successful as a writer because I can write well. That's a huge thing. But to parlay that into a sustaining writing career that's also artistically fulfilling is an entirely different matter. My brother said that he shared that story to show that he can afford something that I can't. Maybe true. I took it more that he felt he needed to show off because on some level, to potential or past paramours, he thinks that's all he has to offer.

When he really has to offer a sensitive soul, a flair for the dramatic, a brain that works overtime and a silliness that can be intoxicating. Unfortunately, it's covered up by a gouche desire to overcompensate, brag, showoff and dominate every conversation. Usually fueled by booze. And a lack of introspection about it all.

I fell in love with the former and the sad truth is that the other day he wasn't interested at all in showing that part of himself, which is the most beautiful part about him.

Who Am I Becoming?

I'm home on a Friday night. Left the office at 7:30. Woke up at 6:15 so I could be at the gym by 7 (didn't run into Handsome Brit today), then in the office by 8:30. Who the hell am I? And I've been up watching WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE on NBC and SEX AND THE CITY DVDs waiting for 10 PM to come so I could go to bed.

I'm becoming an old person in a rut.

When I was in a relationship, we used to have these younger friends in their 20s who would go out all of the time and complain about how they weren't meeting the right guys. I remember thinking how lucky I was that when I was young and their age, I was in New York, having actual fun. Having actual anonymous sex. Having actual interesting moments that I would look back on instead of being stuck in a crowded dive bar called the Motherlode.

I gave a guy a blow job in front of my boyfriend in broad daylight at a lounge. That's the kind of fun person I was. And now here I am on a Friday night at home blogging and waiting to go to bed.

I would like to shake things up without necessarily trying to be that young kid again, at this age, it's borderline inappropriate. Although I have seen men in their 40s and 50s who have done the same thing.

I don't know those boys any more who used to hang out with my ex and I at our house and drink our booze. I think my ex still sees them. Maybe he's even dating one of them. My ex liked being a bit of a mentor to them. I didn't think I was old enough to be a mentor or even wanted to be. We'd take them out to brunch and throw parties for them, like we were past our prime.

I'd like to think that I'm just hibernating instead of being put out to pasture. That I'm just gearing up for my second wind to kick in. And what will that look like?

I'm back to feeling like I did when I moved back to LA. I don't want to meet anyone. I'm not going to find anyone very interesting. Well, I'm certainly not hanging out at the bars.

My ex saw me laughing and having a grand old time out at the boulevard last Sunday. Telling stories and having a great moment, not even noticing that he was watching me. Like I didn't have a care in the world.

Now if I could actually BE that guy...