The Long Let Go

Saw Dad today.

He slept  most of the time I was there. 

I had to change him and I had to wipe him clean.  Humbling. 

All sense of embarrassment (on my end at least) is gone.  I just have to do what I have to do to make him comfortable.  I never imagined myself doing the things I've done.

I yelled at a few people on the phone today.  But I'm used to that.  And I'm sure Gerinet Healthcare is used to that as well.  Oh, well.  That's what I have to do to make sure my father's taken care of.

We have to figure out how we're going to let him go.  Is it okay to tell him it's okay for him to go?  It's a scary prospect.  And I feel a bit selfish that I'm the one who might have to do it.  It's a huge responsibility and I'm not afraid of that.  But I think it's a precious thing and since my Mother can't do it and my Brother isn't in town...that leaves me.

I'm also thinking about this story.  My story.  The story of letting my Father go.  I have a story I feel I need to tell.  I've been reading all of these celebrity autobiographies in preparation for a pilot I'm writing.  But it has dawned on me that maybe I"m reading all of these autobiographies and memoirs because there's something in it for me as well.  Maybe I'm doing research for a memoir I'm supposed to write without knowing it.  It seems strange to think about, but it also is helping me contextualize what I'm going through.

I also have another story of letting go to tell.  It's the one I've been telling on this blog for the past year and a half.  And I realized recently that they are tied, so I can't tell one story of letting go without telling the other one.  I feel that what I went through with my breakup with the Ex has helped me process what I'm going through in my "break up" with my Father. 

A lot to think about.