Adulthood

They say that when someone's father dies,that's when he goes from being a boy to being a man.

Some would say that I've been living like a child for a long time.  It's not like I'm not mature.  Or intelligent. Or that I don't have skill sets or haven't held jobs before.  But I think I have always known on some subconscious level that I served a certain role by still being the child in a lot of ways.  And that time is soon to end.

I look forward to that growth and change...in theory.  I think it will make me a better person.  I think it will force me to face certain things about myself and it will move me into a more whole self.  But all of that change is traumatic.  It's breaking me of certain things which are absolutely necessary.  So I have to just surrender to it.  I guess.

Dad is almost unrecognizable now.  My brother said the other day that it seems like he has already left.  I agree with that sentiment.  It's hard.  I accept that he's mostly gone and soon will be fully gone.  But I still want him around.  I have enjoyed the gentleness that I've experienced with him.  It's nice to just hold him and cradle him.  I know that sounds strange coming from a son about his father, but I just want him to experience some parts of myself he never was able to because he had all of his guards up.  There are no guards now.  He's unguarded.

One of the most wonderful things that has happened is that I can just be.  I can just exist with my Dad and for him.  I don't have to try and make him proud.  I don't have to try and impress him.  I just have to put my hand over his.  I just have to rub his arm.  I just have to smile at him or say something to make him laugh.  All I have to do is exist with him.  Sit next to him.  Talk to him in a gentle voice.  That doesn't cost anything.  It is a quiet thing.  But right now he's not someone who can stand much noise or interference.  For him, things are best if they are simple.

He's still teaching me things.  Eradicate all of the noise.  Whether that's body noise or food noise or ego noise or worth noise or success noise--get rid of anything that doesn't serve you and keeps you from listening to the quietness of your soul.  Just be still.

My father has been able to sustain on very little food.  He's still with us.  He's not trying to exert himself or keep himself going for much longer.  But for what he needs to do--be around his family--he has enough nourishment. 

I want him to go as peacefully as possible.  What can I do about that?

I have to let him go.  My boyfriend said that he thought my Mom should probably do that.  I don't know if Mom has it in her.  My friend Nicole said that I have to do it because my Mom can't.  And my bereavement counselor has given me permission to do that as well.  Now I just have to do it.  I've felt a little selfish about it.  Like here's this wonderful, peaceful thing I get to do...I want to share it.  But maybe this is my ultimate correction, my tikkun.  Maybe this is what is being presented to me.

And how do I even prepare for that?