The Business of Being Back

When I started this blog a year and a half ago, I thought that being back was just about putting myself back together after a tumultuous relationship had ended.  That was definitely a part of "I'm Back."  But now that I look at my life after my Father's illness, I realize that that was just priming the pump.  That the real journey of being back was going through this process of my Father dying and fulfilling the promise of so many seeds I had planted long ago.

Going through my break up gave me the courage to accept change and actually welcome it.  It taught me how to take care of myself as a caretaker.  It made me realize that it wasn't about being a martyr or sacrificing everything for someone else.  Once I got that straightened out, my Father got sick.  And it would put all of that to the test.  That knowledge would help me guide my Mother through this process, even though she has her own corrections to make and lessons to learn.  And it would help me let go of my expectations of her (although that probably has only happened in the last week or so). 

I thought that I would only get where I wanted to go by forcing it all.

Now I know that I have to let go.

I have to let go of the narrative my Father told me and that his Mother told him and her Mother told her.  I had to let go of the narrative my Mother told me and her Mother told her and her Mother told her.  And I had to clear the slate. 

I believe that all of this happening at the end of Mayan calendar where it's supposed to be the end of the world is significant.  It's a new beginning.  And it's on the cusp of a new decade for me.  None of this is by accident.

Now I have to surrender.  Truly, truly, truly surrender.

That's what being back is about.