Aziz Ansari As...

In the movie of my life (or in the movie version of the memoir I'm going to write), I want to be played by Aziz Ansari.

Who would be better?  No one.

I don't look like Aziz Ansari.  I'm not Indian or South Asian.  I'm not as funny as he is.  But that's exactly why I want him to play me in the movie of my life.  I want people to think that I'm him.  I want them to think that I hang out with Kanye West or that I'm as big a fan of R. Kelly.  Actually, I do love me some R. Kelly.  I'm a huge fan of R&B music.  I love a 90s slow jam.  Ginuwine?  "Pony" is my go to sex song.

I have enough in common with him.  We're both brown.  We both love food.  We both want to be cooler than we are and simultaneously, I think we're both cooler than we think.

I might have the bigger dick.  That might be the only difference.

Everyone says they want Meryl Streep to play them in a TV movie of their lives.  Aziz Ansari is my Meryl Streep. 

Aziz Ansari as me as written by Woody Allen as directed by Woody Allen with Bradley Cooper as The Drummer with costumes by Arianne Phillips. 

D to the O to the N to the E.`