A Change Will Do Me Good

Life changes--no matter how much we welcome them--are scary.

I am adopting a few philosophies when it comes to my approach to life:

• Say YES.
• Let go.
• Be open.
• Laugh.
• Be enthusiastic.
• Welcome surprise and change.

That might be it.  I want to invite life to get exponentially more exciting, more lucrative and more meaningful.

I'm realizing that this blog is like life.  It's got it's active periods and it's hibernation periods.  I hadn't really written on here since late December and now I'm finding life picking up again.  The winds of change.

I fully embraced our Hawaii Trip because I knew that it would be two weeks in my life that would be set aside for family, for love, and to pay tribute to my Dad.  Life had pretty much been on hold until the end of that trip  I made the conscious decision to do that.  Despite some pressures from The Drummer, who I'm not sure still quite understands what it was like to lose my Dad or carry the burden of being his caretaker, I gave homage to my feelings and didn't rush back into the rat race.  I let myself have the time to embrace my grief and to transform it into a motivation to live better and with more awareness.

Now that we made that pilgrimage to the Fatherland, life is sprouting anew.  I am pregnant with possibility and options.  Life is truly moving on.  And like I said I would experience everything fully when it came to my Father's illness and death, I am committed to fully experiencing my life from this point forward.  I am embracing the lessons and the feelings its bringing up in me.  I am choosing how I want my life to be and that feels great.

But change always is disruptive to the way things have been.  Three years ago I was in an unhappy relationship trying to make things work.  I went to fancy dinners every night.  I drove around in a beautiful convertible BMW with my boyfriend who was miserable and making me miserable.  We had two dogs.  And I was perfectly willing to sit in the stink of my unhappiness.

Then we broke up.  I was housesitting and couch surfing for a while.  I ended a job I had for seven years.  I started a new job.  And that job was the best job I ever had up to that point.  I was appreciated and valued.  I excelled at that job.  I really came into my own.  Then it ended and I was ready for the next adventure.

My Dad goes into the hospital two days into my "unemployment."  And that started a year long adventure of being there for him.  Almost immediately, I decided that I needed to be there for him and not be encumbered by a job.  I made myself available to my alma mater should they need someone to come up and do workshops.  I knew I was going to need some time away while I was dealing with my Dad's illness.  In the middle of this, I met The Drummer and my life got a little bit better.

Then I got a job teaching up there for ten weeks.  And that was probably the best job I ever had.  It was a good year for best jobs.  I found myself engaging with my students.  I came alive.  It gave me a sense of purpose.

Then that job was over and it was back to dealing with Dad and his sickness.  By April, it became clear that there was nothing that could be done and he needed our care 24/7 at the house.  I was determined that he not go into a home and I was going to do everything to make sure that didn't happen.  And I got my wish.  He died at home.

It's hard to believe that between July and March I was still going through this process of grief and figuring out the future for my Mom.  We had financial things to deal with.  Dad left us in a good place, but we needed to ensure the future for Mom.  I wanted to allow myself the time to work through my grief and sadness.  I wrote a lot throughout the whole time of Dad's illness and through his death and in the months afterwards.  I wrote two new plays and four new pilots during the past two years.

Then we got to Hawaii and returned.  It felt like it was time to start anew.  I got rid of my manager.  I finished the new pilot.  I wanted to get things moving.  A theatre was asking for a rewrite and I had another rewrite for a production I want to put up in the Fall.  Then this new job possibility came up.  Then an application for something called the Humanitas New Voices Program which would allow me to write a new pilot under the guidance of a mentor if I was awarded one of the four grants they offer.  I was ready for life to start anew and here was life waiting for me with some options.  And maybe those options won't pan out.  But then there will be other options waiting for me around the bend.

Change is upheaval.  And I have been upheaved several times over the past two plus years.  I just need to remember that it all works out and that riding the wave will bring me closer to where I want to be.