All of this week, as I have been putting the final touches on the TV pilot I'm applying to the Humanitas New Voices Award with, I have been watching YouTube videos of Oprah.
My favorite one is the one from Master Class where she talks about Surrender:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpwW42HVZws
Basically she wants the role of Sophia in The Color Purple. She's obsessed with it and is told finally that it's not going to happen. Then she surrenders herself to not getting it and allows God to dream a bigger dream for her than she can for herself. She says that when you've done everything you possibly can, then it's time to let it go and become a part of the flow of the Universe. I'm not great at this, which is why I've watched this video at least ten times. It's a great reminder that you can't hold onto something and suffocate it and expect that it will be waiting for you. I am trying to practice this with the pilot opportunity.
I started writing the pilot at the end of last year. I was thinking that I would have it ready in time for staffing season this year. I wrote through January. I wrote through February. I wanted to have something done before I went to Hawaii on March 1st. I was writing every day and working on it constantly, but by the time the end of February came around, I had a draft but I knew it was not the draft I wanted to send out into the world. So we went to Hawaii for two weeks for a familyivacation where we were spreading my Dad's ashes. I knew this was way more important than finishing a script. And I knew that the person getting on the plane to Hawaii was not going to be the same person who returned home in two weeks. I wanted the experience to affect me and seep into my pours. I wanted it to stain me permanently. So I engaged with my family and spent time connecting to my boyfriend. We went on long walks on the beach and went on adventures. I listened as my dying 95 year old Uncle spoke to me and asked me to engage with him. I wanted to be fully present to this experience as I had been with every experience that revolved around my Dad's illness and ultimate death. When I got back from Hawaii, I started writing again. I knew the window of being ready for staffing season had narrowed. I was ahead of the game before I left, but I would be right on the cusp of falling behind if a script wasn't done before vacation. But it just didn't feel like my script was complete. So I kept writing in mid-March through to April. It also became clear that I needed to fire my managers because they wouldn't be useful in my trying to reach out to showrunners and other contacts to have them read my script. I reached out to people who I knew would be influential. Some of them responded promptly and met me for lunch. Some I am still waiting to hear from. Then I heard about the Humanitas Prize. So I went about trying to find someone to recommend me. I found a friend who was a showrunner and willing to recommend me. Then he did. I had finished the "final" draft of the script by this point. I wrote while I was in the Bay Area for a wedding in mid April. My friend came back with a few notes, but over all he thought it was good. Then I finished rewrites this afternoon so I could make the deadline. This was the first time in this process of writing a new piece of material that I felt like I could achieve the goal. I wasn't rushing or hurrying. I was just working every day on something I had committed to. And the opportunity came to meet me.
Each time I let go of a way of thinking, a door opens. An opportunity falls along my path. I am going to continue to let things appear in my path. But I have a clear intention. I want to get a mentor who will help me write a script in a genre that I'm interested in, but need help in. That could be comedy or sci-fi or some type of procedural. I want someone to spot me and help me get stronger in an area that is not natural to me, but will allow me to do the things that I do well.
I want something to do this summer that pays. Then I can transition into teaching in the Fall.
I put forth intention by typing these words and believing what my destiny is. I just speak loudly, firmly, confidently and let life gather around me. I let go of the expectation and just focus on the action.
What happens beyond these initial steps is beyond me. But I just want to put forth good energy that fuels the intention as it becomes actions and propels me forward.
Another description of surrender is "letting go." I have been trying to let go and let go and let go as much as I can wherever I feel myself holding on too tightly.
Whenever I feel like I'm suffocating the intention, I just watch the Oprah video again and take a breath and decide to surrender more.
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