Leaving the Past in the Past

I've been having these dreams lately about my dogs.

When I broke up with the Ex, I had to leave my dogs behind becuase I didn't know where I would be living. And to be honest, he was the one who had suggested we get them in the first place. I obviously fell in love with them and together we were this family. But because I haven't seen my Ex, I haven't seen my dogs.

So before I had class yesterday, I reached out to my Ex in an email saying that I had been dreaming about the dogs and that I would love to see them. I also said that I hoped we could be friendly.

His response back was that he was on his Shamanic journey in Kauai and had asked for healing energy. SO he wasn't surprised that I was reaching out to him. But that he felt that it might be confusing for the dogs if I saw them again, so he'd have to think about it. Because I had left them behind and hadn't reached out during his time of need, he didn't know if this was the right thing to do.

And my response to that was that I had left them behind because I had to do what was right for me. I would never be so arrogant as to think what might be right for him, so I had to do what was right for me. I also said that even though our break up might have not been great for him emotionally, I'm certain that the other areas of his life are benefiting because I'm no longer an opposition for him. We eventually wanted different things from life and were just getting in each other's way.

I needed someone who's not so hidden from me emotionally. I needed not to feel wrong at every turn. I needed to feel loved unconditionally. And while some of that is happening with the Drummer, I still struggle with being comfortable with all of it. Just because I need it doesn't mean that it's easy for me to accept. That's MY healing.

So whatever happens with the Ex, if we are friends or friendly or non-existent to each other, I'm happy about that. He sent healing energy to me AND for us. And I thank him for that because this is what's helping me heal. Every spiritual practice that he introduced me to, I've benefited from. From Kabbalah to working with this shaman. It's helped me process what is going on in my life. It's a good thing.

And if I never see my dogs again, I just asked him if he would just let them know that I love them from time to time. It breaks my heart, and I think it's unnecessarily cruel and not very spiritual, but again I can't be so arrogant to think of what might be right for him to do. All I can do is leave the past in the past and be here now.