I was just away in the Mountains with The Drummer and his band for the past four days. And what do I do to relax? I head to Starbucks in the air conditioning and I'm listening to last week's THE A LIST while I'm blogging. So relaxing...
The mountains, the mountains...
This is what's great about The Drummer. He's relaxed and kind. As sweet and honest and open as he is, he's also a total tiger in the bedroom. I just like being with him. I question it in my own mind because it's somewhat unexpected. And I'm not used that sort of unguarded care in relationships.
Quick sidebar: My Ex (not the last one) called me over the weekend. Saying he needed to talk. Then he sent a weird text asking how I was. Then I called him today on my way home after our weekend away and it was mindblowing what has been going on. He was the first boyfriend I had who had a real issue with alcohol. There were jealousy issues all around and although I really cared for him, it just wasn't right for us to be together. And he never could get over the fact that I flirted with boys. He's the reason I tell all future suitors that I like to make out with other dudes because it bit me in the ass here.
Then I find out that my Other Ex is back on the sauce, was arrested for stealing a car while he was drunk and has tried to kill himself twice. I listened. But I just couldn't muster up the words, "Call me if you need anything." Because I don't want him to. I tried to save one person in my life from addiction and now...it's just too painful. I wish him the best and I encouraged him to get some help. But that's all I can do. I don't know why he was reaching out to me. I don't want to turn my back on someone, but I can't take that on. I have had two very important people in my life kill themselves. But this guy doesn't want to do the work to help himself. I'm dealing with a father who's severely depressed and also physically ill and won't help himself. I can pray for him and wish him the best, but he's got to pull himself out of his own mess. I think about the person he was when we were together and I can't imagine this is what his life is about now.
So I tell that story because it was another reminder that I could have that to deal with. I could be in a relationship with someone who I feel I need to help at every turn. The Drummer and I had this wonderful conversation on the way back from Huntington Lake. And the gist of it was about this: You have to be your own person and come together with someone else. You can't complete each other. And as I admitted to him, that was a lesson that I fought hard to learn.
we just had this quiet, honest conversation on our way back. That's the other thing I really like. WE TALK. A LOT. Maybe too much for some people. But not me. I love to talk about things. I like to be honest. I like to get it all out on the table. I like to say things like, "I really like where this is going." And "I'm so attracted to you." It's what's charming about him. We can have a quiet conversation about things where he just reminds me what a salt of the earth person he is. And then we have amazing, ass-busting sex. Then we cuddle. It's like a buffet of the greatest hits of the things I like in a relationship made with only the best quality ingredients. It's awesome.
And we say AWESOME a lot because it happens to be a favorite word of both of ours. And yes, I know how sick and sweet that sounds. I'm sorry. But it takes my breath away that it's eight weeks in and here's where we are.
I'm reluctant to say that I'm in love or to say I have a boyfriend. Why is that? I think that goes back to the fact that it seems like this has happened so quickly. But what I have to remind myself is that it's been EIGHT WEEKS and we only see each other once or twice a week. That's healthy. And that's not necessitated by anything other than schedule. And I don't feel like I have to be up on his jock for him to know or for me to know that I seriously care about him. And I'm just trying to go with what I feel. I don't have to proclaim it to other people so that I prove to them that I'm happy or that I'm okay or that I'm moving on. I know what I feel and the fact that I know is satisfying enough to me. And he knows. And I've slipped a few times and referred to him as my boyfriend. That's okay. It's okay to say it or to not say it. We feel close.
And I'm not proclaiming shit on Facebook. Not now. Only the friends I chat with on the phone or email regularly and who I want to know know. Everyone else doesn't have to know that I care about someone on a status update. I'm taking a vow not to put personal things on FB. I can rant, I can put great quotes, but I'm not proclaiming that I have someone significant in my life on FB. I'm learning to cherish things for me. I don't hide details of my life, but I don't feel like I need to proclaim for the sake of proclaiming. Announcements are a bit too casual for me on FB. I don't really trust this way of communicating anymore. It's great to get a quick sample of what friends are up to, but it's not a way to foster and nourish friendships.
And now that I'm back from vacation, I've got two days to do some work prepping my class. And I've got some play submissions to get out as well as just some catching up with friends to do before I start the Fall and start teaching. I'm going to try and nurture my friendships in the Bay Area while I'm out there. I have two friends I miss a lot that I want to see and spend as much time with as I can. My friends Veronica from college and my friend Bill who I've known for a few years. I adore him. I want to try to reconnect a bit since I haven't seen him in a few years.
There's a lot to do before my next vacay, which starts in two days. And it's more of a family time/working vacation. I'm going to an arts festival in Portland. I'm going to nourish my theatre soul. And I can't wait for that. Because it includes time with my favorite two year old, my niece. And my brother and his family, which includes a new little nephew who's making his debut in 2012. I'm nourishing my soul in a lot of ways these days and I couldn't be happier about that. Because my soul fuels my work and I've got a lot of work to do now and in 2012. I'm ready to get the shiz done.
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