I haven't posted in a month! That's hard to believe. I guess that means I've been living my life, which is a good thing. My friend Howie says that when I'm not blogging, it means things are going well.
And the past month has been very productive.
I'm still teaching up at Santa Clara University. And I'm behind on that blog as well...but the students are working hard and I'm loving it. Over half of my term is over, so as we head into the holidays, it's strange to think of what I will be doing once the new year starts. But I'll cover that in my 10 Week Experiment blog.
But things with myself and The Drummer continue to go well. As the one year anniversary of the day I walked out of my relationship comes up this coming week, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what has happened in this past year. I'm sure reading over this blog will even make that even more present to me. Sometimes I struggle with the good fortune, especially on a personal level.
I'm not used to being praised or being told that I'm good enough and believing it. I have always pursued criticism because I was raised to believe that criticism was the only thing that would make me go further in life. And now I realize that praise will not make me lose my competitive edge. I'm learning that partially as a professor as well. I give my students love and critique and they're doing well. And I have a boyfriend who's totally supportive and sweet and loving, but he's also got standards and a sense of who he is. It's not just blind praise. But it's also not just relentless unhappiness and judging either.
I think about what life was like a year ago when I was still in this relationship that drained the life from me. It was awful what I was putting up with. I can still look at that relationship with a lot of gratitude, but it was definitely not the place for me and thankfully, I can see that now. I don't know if I totally saw that six months ago, even. I went through some phases throughout this year. Phase One was after the break up until about January of this year. It felt great. I was liberated. I even tried dating again. But New Haven was too much like the Ex. And I think New Haven's a great guy, but I was going to repeat my mistakes with him. He had a lot of the same issues, even though he's a much kinder guy. Then Phase Two was a lot of the Winter and some of the Spring, where I had started to forget how shitty it was living with the Ex. And I was moving on. All of a sudden the things I wanted--some alone time, living life on my own terms--was now my life. And I started looking at what was out there for me. I had a lot of the same connections to my former life in my life still. It felt very conflicted because I was moving on, but there were still parts of my old life that were intact. I was working for people who were clients of my former boss. I was an assistant on a TV pilot...it all felt very familiar. And it wasn't until I was forced to let that go...with our show not getting picked up that I could move into Phase Three. And Phase Three was when a lot of the exterior changes started happening. Yes, Phase Three was when I met the Drummer, but he's not the defining moment of this period. He's the happy accident and the result of me making some definite choices about what I want. Phase Three is when I made some decisions that I was going to take the rest of this year off and figure out what I want to do. And it was the Phase that had the most risk. Sure, I had unemployment to fall back on...but how was I going to structure this time? And then the teaching gig happened...and now I've been going back and forth for SIX weeks. And I love it.
I have said that I want to be more bicoastal. And I think I will work towards that. But I also like travelling and just being more mobile in general. So maybe this commuting to the Bay Area will be helpful in that. I want to open up more opportuntities for myself. And to have a partner who is supportive in that...I now realize that even though I worked hard and had a lot of drive, I didn't have a partner who was fully supportive of me doing whatever I had to do. Admittedly, I was a bit lost, but I was lost in trying to make him happy as well as myself. I now know that it shouldn't be an either/or scenario. What makes me happy and what I need to do myself should be enough so that it doesn't get in the way. And I should never be made to feel like I'm in that position. But I shouldn't put myself in that position either. I had the most to do with feeling like I was trapped or making a choice of him over me. That was mostly me. And now I understand that.
But I'm building this new foundation for myself. And I think that the Drummer fits into that. I am not building it with him in mind or around him. I'm building it around myself, but it's nice to know that I'm building in the right neighborhood. And that he happens to live in the same neighborhood. It's gratifying. And I am not sacrificing myself for someone else. That is vitally important.
And now when I say that I'm just living my life, it's a life that I'm perfectly happy living. And a life I can build upon. A life that will lead me to the things I want...and that will include a strong partnership. Even if it's not with the Drummer, I now know what to look for. I know what not to accept. And to think that these revelations have happened in a year seems remarkable to me. And what's even more remarkable is that it has gone by quickly.
So the lesson is to continue to live life because before you know it you will be where you want to me. It's not so far away if you keep moving.
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