As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My Ex
Okay, so you know we're getting near the end of this journey if I've got a blog entry called "MY EX".
Carrie Bradshaw in SEX AND THE CITY, Season 4, Episode 3: Defining Moments said, "Maybe what defines a relationship is another relationship." Well, I'm not quite in a relationship with The Drummer, but I think the short amount of time spent with him so far has made a lot of things clearer to be about the past relationship. And a lot of it has been discussed in this blog.
But here's the thing. It's about respect. And I never should have compromised that. But without compromising that I would have never gotten to this place. It's like when I left LA for NYC, I didn't appreciate the wonderful things about my hometown until I left and came back. I didn't appreciate the good things about myself until I left and came back. I took plenty for granted and now those precious things to me like my self respect I will never take for granted again.
My Ex is a talented, charismatic, brilliant human being who needs a lot more heart to go with his head. It's kind of the finishing touch that would make everything better. It's that last pinch of salt on a sauce. Maybe a splash of white wine on the clams. Heart elevates everything. I devoted five years of my life to someone I believed in and really would have walked through the fire for (thank you Chaka Khan) and did.
Oh to be with him, I gladly risked it all...I'm paraphrasing. Right down to the wire. Even though the fire.
But fortunately I gave that to myself and I've elevated what was already there. But that's been covered. Here are the lessons that I'm learning in approaching my approach to happiness (not calling anything a relationship at this point):
Stay the person you are: I changed with the Ex. I became Hopelessly Devoted to Him. I thought that he would know how much I was devoted to him if I devoted all of myself to him. Yes, he was fully receptive of this. But I made the first move. I created the monster. This is where we basically locked into a well-established dynamic that was set up from our respective upbringings. I would love to blame him for treating me that way, but I gave him no choice. When he wanted me, there I was making it all about him. While that might have been a familiar dynamic to him, I stopped offering him an alternative early on.
Continue doing what you do: The Drummer hasn't stopped drumming since I came along and I don't want him to. So The Writer needs to keep writing and The Dancer needs to keep dancing and The Gym Boy needs to keep going to the gym and The Individual needs to keep being himself. The Ex fell in love with the person I was and fell out of love with the person I had turned into.
Is a lot of this starting to sound like I think it's my fault. Not intentional. But I'm taking responsibility because it's my blog and it's really easy to just lay it all on him since he has no say. It takes two to tango.
Good Sex to Start...Good Sex to Continue: The Drummer and I have already discussed the things we're going to try, the things we're consider our Greatest Hits, and the things we're going to research. There is chemistry and I will never enter into a relationship without the chemistry. A good friend of mine said wisely once that sex does not create intimacy, but it does deepen it. Our intimacy didn't deepen and that has to do with a million things besides sex, but there was not a daily practice of continuing and deepening intimacy. And I accepted that after one serious reprimand and never discussed my dissatisfaction again because his happiness/not hurting his feelings were more important than my happiness and my feelings. I know now that is what I did.
Talking is Fundamental: I'm talking about communication, y'all. I love to talk. I love to overtalk. I should never undertalk. I like to know what's going on and what the other person is feeling. And I gave that up for a person who was uncomfortable doing that. I was made to feel bad for wanting to talk it out and I spent a lot of frustrated moments thinking of how to overcome it. The answer - don't overcome it. Find someone who wants to communicate as much as I do.
No One Gonna Take Away My R&B and Soul: I love Cee Lo. Mary J. Blige. Chaka. Lisa Stansfield. Jorge Miguel aka George Michael. Patti Labelle. Music that expresses emotion in a loud, bombastic, danceable way. Non negotiable.
It has never been clearer to me than lately that my Ex was not the right one for me. My friends tried to convince me that was true three months, six months, a year before the break up. And two weeks, two months and after we broke up. But I couldn't hear it then. I missed him too much. I thought that maybe there might be an opportunity.
I have a friend who doesn't speak to me because I think she wants us to get back together and was the only person who tried to convince me to speak to him after the break up. And she's the only person who I know who might send him this link. I hope she doesn't out of respect to me. But if she did, then so be it. I have nothing to hide.
Maybe we both grow from this experience and find the right people for ourselves. When we had big fights he would say that maybe the answer is to break up so that we could truly find happiness. I don't know if he knew more than I did in those moments and that it was just me that needed to hang on. I think that as much as he said that and didn't want to confront the emotional truth in our relationship, that he didn't fully want us to break up. Maybe he stayed because he felt I needed that the most and was afraid I'd be fragile and break. Maybe I'll never know.
And that's okay. No maybes.
Dear friend,
The best to you. You opened my eyes to bigger things. I had already done a lot with my life when we met, but you are someone who wants to eat the whole pie and not a slice. You realize that "life is a buffet and most poor souls are starving to death." You live that in every fiber of your being. So that is what I will take from my love for you. I will live big.
But I hope you take something from me. Love big. Love so big that you are vulnerable. But love so big that your eyes stay wide open as well. Don't be blind, like I was. Tin Man, no more.
I don't know if we'll ever see each other again. I don't know if we'll cross paths because I'm checking out some different paths. But if we do see each other, I hope we will both be gracious.
Love,
Your Friend
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