Farewell Recap: My Family

As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.

But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.

TODAY'S SUBJECT:

My family

My family. Oy.
There's been a huge challenge over the past three weeks since my Dad has been sick.
Part of it could be called "healing."
I made a decision when my Dad went to the hospital that I could give him compassion. And that's easier said that done.
My Mother depends on me so much that it's difficult not to be angry. I need her to take care of herself, and not be so overwhelmed. But that's hard. She gets overwhelmed so easily. And a lot of my anger is directed towards her because I know how similar we both are.
I also feel that my journey to where I am right now has made all the difference is dealing with my Dad. I'm taking charge in a way I haven't been able to do before.
I'm demanding and I'm confrontational with the doctors and I'm exact in my line of questioning because I no longer assume that someone else knows more than I do. And I'm not afraid of those bastards either. They are there to make my Dad better and some times they need help figuring out their priority. As in, "MY dad before anyone else."
I'm also confronted with my own personal conditioning, which is "Everyone else before yourself." That won't fly with me. But I've seen it in my Mom. I've heard it from my Godmother and I've seen it in my mother's friends. And that's not where it's at. It's not about losing everything I've worked so hard to gain and get back. There's a balance there that is dependent on the work of all of us. But because my freedom and independence have been so hard fought, I value it. And I'm not letting any of it go. And that's a hard thing to accept when it comes to family, when it comes to the people who helped formulate my idea of myself from a very early age.

But in the discussion of family, I also have to mention my brother, who has been an amazing sounding board and has also maintained his necessary boundaries. And my niece, who is the future. And she's made me look hard as I've been on this journey at the things I was taught when I was her age. We're breaking cycles for her as well as for me. Because hopefully she won't have to unlearn all of the things that I am, although much of that deprogramming is necessary to figure out the person you will be come. So it's just as necessary for her as his has been for me. But that is also what keeps me going...knowing that I'm also going to be a better uncle because of it.