Politeness

It has been a week of emotional turmoil. Dad in the hospital. Passing out in the living room and scaring us all to death thinking that he just died in the living room. Well, I wasn't there. I was at the gym. My brother got the shock of his life. But to see him back in the hospital in the Coronary Care Unit (CCU) was nuts. Even in the weeks and days before he went back in, I knew something was up. And there was nothing I could do about it. Other than badger him incessantly, but even that got tired for both of us. When he would come back from two hour trips to the supermarket and wouldn't eat when he got back. Or when he came home with a bag of fun size Snickers bars. I knew he couldn't change until he decided it was time to change. I don't even know if he gets that now.

But one thing has changed. This episode happened when his granddaughter was in the house. Yes, she was sleeping (thank God), but she was still only a few feet away. I hope he gets the connection that everything he's doing to himself affects his ability to be a presence in her life. He is making an active choice not to be there for her in the future. No one likes to talk about it because it's impolite. Because it's not nice.

How could you say that about your father? It's his choice. It's the way he was raised.

I've heard all or some variation of this over the past few days. I've had addicts in my life and I know all about being an enabler. . And that's what's going on here. Everyone excuses the behavior because it's hard to break or because he was raised a certain way. I understand having to unlearn behavior. I'm in the process of doing that now. But at some point you make a choice. And sometimes that choice is a negative one.

We have put the right information in front of my Dad. We have gotten rid of the stuff he's attached to. And we're forcing it to a breaking point. I hope this is what he needs to start making the choices for himself. It's like an emotional defibrillator. A shock to the system to get things running right.

But I'm over being polite for its own sake. That doesn't help anyone. My mother has made choices that contribute to this and so have I. But I'm trying not to be an enabler to anyone any more. It got me into trouble and has never helped the addicts in my life. In a certain way, this feels a bit like readjusting my own thought process with people in my life. But the change also involves me knowing when to let go. And we are making an effort in order to empower my dad. I'm not going to be knocking Snickers bars out of his hand or following him around to make sure he's not messing up. He's got to make those own choices for himself. All I can do is give him access to the right information. And be supportive. If he's making the right decisions, I will be fully encouraging and supportive of that and will do what I can to help him along that path. But that takes effort on his part.

And I'm not patient with people who disagree with me. I'm not patient with people who allow certain behavior because it's the easier thing to do. I've been there and I've walked through the fire in ways those people haven't. And even if those people are "elders", that doesn't mean they know more than I do about everything. I'm an adult and I've earned my stripes in this department. I'm ferocious about this stuff and I will bite your head off, chop it up and serve it as tartare. Fuck you for being an enabler and allowing this behavior to continue. That is honestly how I feel about it. It destroys lives...and all because we're too polite to speak up.