In a Daze

It's been so bizarre the past few days because I've been in a complete daze. My brother and niece visited this week and my father went into the hospital again. I've cleared out my parents' refrigerator and pantry of all of the salted items that were in there and put it in garbage cans. I haven't really been doing much writing because I've been so preoccupied with entertaining my niece and caring for my Dad. This is the main part of what I've been dealing with since I've been out of work. It really has been my work.

Great things have happened lately. I'm planning some trips because I'm on unemployment and I've got some free time. And frankly, I want this time to really just focus on what I want. I believe in the concept of reinvention. When my parents were my age, people stayed in one job for 45 years until retirement and collected a pension. Because times are tough, undependable and people want to do more with their lives, that is no longer the case.

I don't like having one hairstyle for too long, so one job, one identity and one kind of life are all unattractive to me. I've been the precocious kid, the nerd, the school fag, the theatre geek, the dancer/theatre artist, the grad student, the assistant of, the husband of, the son of...for so long that now it's time for a new identity. And sometimes you have to go away...otherwise, you'd never be able to come back or to have a comeback.

All of the stuff going on in my family life lately has really made me think about putting my best self forward. When people think of me, what do I want them to think of first?

I have done so much work on my self this year. I've done work on my self worth and on creating an identity that is not "caretaker." I've done a lot of work on my body. I'm working on creating a community around me full of creative people and the people who love them.

And now I have to do some work on my career. I am a playwright. I have been trying to work in television as a writer for almost eight years. And that hasn't happened yet. It's not because of my talent, which I think is substantial. So then I have to look to my approach and my focus. I work hard. But do I work smart? Do I work to the advantage of my strengths or am I climbing an uphill battle for the sake of saying that it has been an uphill battle? It doesn't have to be harder than it should be. I don't have to put any more obstacles in my way since there are obstacles already attached with trying to live your voice. That's hard enough.

So I'm going to work to my strengths and work to the person I have always been, but have some times been afraid to make public. I know this person exists in theory, but in order to really express myself publicly, I need to live as that person 24/7.

And that person is:
a professional
a gifted writer
a collaborator
a lover
a fighter
a dynamic speaker
an expert
a charismatic person
an attractive person
a wit
an advocate
a friend
a warrior