Well, let's talk about before for a quick second. Almost six months ago I weighed around 178, my skin had a greyish tint, I was a bit puffy and my legs were out of shape from when I ran the marathon four years prior. My hair was longer. And I had a general state of melancholy. I tried to be happy, but the toll my relationship had on me was wearing me down. I lived for someone else. I went to work to a job I hated and I came home and watched reality TV. That was my only comfort. Oh, well I would eat, which is why even at 5'10", 178 pounds, which isn't overweight, I was hanging on to weight I didn't need.
Now I work out three times a week. And I have dance class twice a week. Currently, I also have dance rehearsals two days a week, so for the next two weeks, I will be dancing four days a week. When I'm not in dance rehearsals, I usually take a yoga class on Saturday mornings with my friend Nicole. I completed a 21 day cleanse and I've stopped smoking (for the most part, I'll have a quick puff here and there). I'm down to about 165-168. It's not just about the fitness, which I'm super excited about, it gives me tons of energy. It's about meeting new people and doing something I love. I also have a new job I love, where I feel a sense of purpose and a sense of movement. I'm motivated to keep moving. I don't drink coffee or soda anymore, which is crazy. I never thought I'd do that, but I love my energy level too much to go back to it.
I started this blog really for myself to just chart what was going on in my life. Often it's honest. Often it's also the mundane details of my life. But it's the every day details that eventually - six months and 163 posts later - make me look back and think that I've really accomplished something. And there's so much further to go.
I've been a gypsy for six months, moving around from place to place, subletting here and crashing there. I need to focus on a new place to live. I need to focus on the next opportunity job wise - where will this amazing opportunity take me? I need to really have a focused plan for that. And the next big thought process is about dating. From the last post, you can see that I'm starting to think about it. I hate all of my pictures right now, which is fine. I don't think my pictures are capturing the change that I feel, but that's okay too. I look at guys and I no longer think, "he's too good looking for me." Well, I might say it. But I don't really believe it. I no longer think he's too smart for me or too tall for me or too well adjusted for me. I'm still in the random hook up stage of my healing. So the guys that I'm hooking up with and meeting at the gym are hot. The guys I'm having casual encounters with are physically fantastic. Not that they all have to be. But I'm no longer shocked when a aesthetically pleasing man wants my number, my body or my cock.
I'm a sexual person, y'all. I will talk about my love of cock til the cows come home and leave again.
I'm starting to think that maybe I want to date a bit. I finally asked out Handsome Brit last week. Ask out is a strong phrase. But I said we should get a drink sometime. He's got a good smile. I ran into another guy I had a great conversation with at the spa last week. He sells cookbooks to schools. And he's got a fantastic body and a lot of interesting things to say. He's "my speed", as they say. My best friend's Mom keeps promising to set me up with a guy she's thought I should be dating for years. I'm not really going to do the online thing right now. Never say never, but I am meeting guys just out and about, and I prefer that.
All of these things are going so well that it would be hard to go back and live the life I used to live. I felt stuck for years and I didn't know what to do about it. And now I'm swinging from vine to vine and I'm excited for the next leap, even if I don't know for sure if a vine is available for me to grab onto. It always seems to be. But I'm not always sure. I keep reaching, though.
The feelings I had for my ex are changing. I can feel it. I think part of it was seeing him last week. I didn't feel like myself. It's like caffeine. For years I was convinced I needed it to go about my day. That I would be destroyed without it. Now that I've given it up, the feeling in my body every day (even when I'm tired) is so much better than what I felt drinking caffeine that it's not hard to do without it. It's the same with the ex. My daily experience of being in this body, in this mind, in this frame of mind is so much better than what my daily life was with him that it's no longer becoming a struggle. I never thought I would say that six months ago. And now I can appreciate how much I loved my caffeine and how much it did for me, but I don't need it any more. It doesn't change how great it is for some people and it doesn't change how bad it is for me now.
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