Stretched Out

When I was in college, the most productive trimester I had was when I had a full course load, dance rehearsals, rehearsals for a play I was in and rehearsals for a play that I wrote. I'm older now, but I'm going to put the theory to the test that the busier I am, the most productive I'll be.

My eyes want to close, but I've got dance rehearsal in a little over an hour. I'm doing this hip hop performance with my dance class from the gym. I'm going to have to see how this goes because right now I just want to crawl into bed. Part of the reason I agreed to do this performance was because I miss dancing. Dancing was always a great part of my routine when I was in college. And I feel truly like when I'm dancing, I'm expressing an important part of me. It's freedom.

It's also exercise and great cardio. I have this not so secret desire to slim down a bit. It'll be my first summer back at the beach. I didn't go to the beach (except for vacations) the entire time I was with my ex. It's important for me to feel like I can have fun and splash around in the water. He didn't feel great about his body, so it was hard for him to be at the beach and I had to suffer for it. He's also lily white and I'm Mowgli from the Jungle book. I love the sun.

I definitely feel like this might be taking on too much. Work has gotten crazy. I'm reading scripts and planning out a show with my bosses. If it doesn't feel right after tonight, I'm probably going to drop out because I won't get home until 11 and then I have to wake up to do it all over again at 6 AM. I'm dancing 4 days a week and working out 3 days a week. Two of those days are dance and workout days.

Is a hot body worth it? I don't know. It's definitely testing my theory of why I've never had the hottie hot hot hot body. I just look cute and am naturally slender. For me, it all seemed to unattainable. Some of it felt like I didn't need to have the abs and the pecs and the arms. Part of it was feeling undeserving. And then part of it was just the sheer amount of work. I want it all. I want to be exhausted at the end of the day because I put my mind and body to the edge. I want to test my limits and then fly past them.

Maybe the next step in this revolution of my body and soul is this hip hop dance rehearsal. Then eating better, which I started with my cleanse. Then getting tons of rest. Then finishing all of this writing. It's funny because now that I'm doing THIS writing and putting my thoughts into words, I feel energy. I feel capable. I've already made so many choices in my life over the past five months that have made it better. And this one will take it to the next level. I love to dance. I'm an accomplished person in many areas. But sometimes I feel like what I really am at my core is a frustrated dancer.

So I'm going to get up, dance, shake it and do my thing.