I have to say that I am a huge Bethenny Frankel fan. I remember her back in the day from Martha Stewart Apprentice. And she's always been the scrappy one I've appreciated in the Real Housewives of New York. I watched Bethenny's Getting Married? And I am hooked on Bethenny Ever After. When she cries, I cry.
She just celebrated her 40th Birthday on the show and had a dramatic breakdown, of which I haven't watched yet. I only saw everything up to the breakdown, but I had to leave for my hip hop class (thank God for Bravo East Coast feed in my office). I watch her and Jason and somehow feel a longing for my last relationship. I'm trying to pull it together in my life as well and while I was kind of the Jason in the relationship, what I really am is a Bethenny. I wouldn't have minded being Jason some of the time and Bethenny some of the time, if we both could flip flop. I had always imagined being there for my ex's 40th, which is coming up in a couple of months. And when I saw the love that Jason had for Bethenny and how badly he wanted to make something great for her, I cried. My ex comes from a very Hoppy like family, with its passive aggressive, well meaning Irish Catholicness. And watching them brings it all back. And when she was trying to communicate something to him, but wasn't being heard, I cried as well. I get that place.
And speaking of "places"...
I haven't gotten the new book yet, but I found the ten rules on line and I thought I'd look at the chapter titles and see what rings true. I'm using these as affirmations first:
1. Break the Chain. This has a lot to do with family and your past. Let it go.
I've been working on this for a while. I think when I moved back to LA, it was to deal with a lot of the past. The relationship with the ex was about that too. I realized after the break up how much I mirrored my parents relationship in my relationship with him. And now that I've moved on past that, a lot of the changes in behavior I'm having is about breaking the chain. Not doing what my mother has done in her relationship with my father and just settling for what I think life has handed me. But changing the variables, as a friend of mine said to me the other night. If something isn't working, change the approach or the mental dialogue you're having with yourself.
2. Find Your Truth. What do you want from life. What works for you i.e. not trying to please others.
The not trying to please others thing is hard because I want to be liked. And I've often not spoken up because I wanted to be liked. I'm running a different dialogue both at work and in my personal life. And it does come down to that question of "what do you want from life?" If you don't know you're truth, you can't know what direction you're headed in and you can't SET that direction for yourself.
3. Act On It. Make things happen. Use your instincts.
I have great instincts and when I've used them, I've done well. But when I haven't, disaster. And a lot of that comes from knowing what you want from life and finding what works for you. Then acting on it. I know what I'm capable of and sometimes that agenda doesn't have to be broadcast. You don't need that affirmation. Know what works, act on it and then the results will come. You don't need an audience to repeat back to you that what you're doing is the right thing. You need to know within yourself. When people say, "you are enough," this is what they mean.
4. Everything's Your Business. Remain open to all learning, experiences and opportunities. You never know.
I'm experiencing that with my current job. Everything I'm learning goes back to the goal I have for myself to write and produce television. If you practice daily, eventually you will get there. And by practice, I don't mean "practicing" versus "doing", I mean the daily art of putting knowledge to action. A practice like a yoga practice. Eventually, you will be come a knowing person, an expert. This relates back to a great piece of advice I got years ago from a playwriting professor. He said that everything should be writing. Doing the laundry, grocery shopping, homework, exercise, thinking, writing is all writing. If you are processing a thought or observing behavior or actually writing, it all becomes writing. Once everything is going in the same direction, towards the same objective, then you have focus. And the other part of that is that you never know where your next opportunity is coming from, so take it seriously.
5. All roads lead to Rome. You will get there if you are focused.
This is the same thing I was just saying. The focus will put you on the road to Rome, no matter how you get there. You know where you are going, so even if it seems like a side track or a back road, you are getting there.
6. Go For Yours. Clarify your goals and go for them.
Writing things down. Processing things. Writing a blog about the process of coming back to yourself and not forgetting to state your goals out loud and in writing. Make it tangible and real. That's hard to do if you don't think you deserve it.
7. Separate From the Pack. To find your calling, sometimes you have to step out and away from the crowd.
I've always been an outsider. I've deceived myself into thinking I could be inside and go with the pack. But when I've done that, I've slowed down. So I'm separating again. Sometimes you need reminders, but you know what you should be doing. This is another one that seems to speak to where I am right now. I am not in a relationship. I'm not seeking that out. I have created a role for myself at work and that is my role. I don't need to question it or get affirmation that that's okay to do. This is also what people mean when they say: "It's better to apologize than to ask for permission."
8. Own It. Hold to your principles. Keep your word. You did it. It was hard. Stick to the truth.
Own what you do. Bethenny says this a lot. If you did it, own up to it. If you believe in what you did and why you did it, there shouldn't be a problem. I'm definitely working on this one. You have to be secure in what you stand for before you can own it. But the things I am owning are who I am and how I look. I am in control of how others perceive me and that I have to own. The first impression is very telling in what you own and what you don't own.
9. Come Together. Life is about connection. Be out there and part of the world.
The coming together will come together once my life is about more than just work. I can still come together with friends, to whom I need to reconnect with. But you can't be inspired or be excited without connection. Love might not be the top priority for me right now. But openness is always priority. And if I'm open, then I never feel like my life is all about one thing. If it's all about one thing: one person, one goal, one viewpoint, then you can't be surprised and you can't grow. It's not about having blinders on. And it's not about fear, which is why we often have blinders on.
10. Celebrate! Celebrate life. Seek happiness.
I'm learning to celebrate more. That's a hard one. I was raised in a household where it wasn't okay to celebrate until...well, actually EVER. It was never okay to celebrate because that would make you lazy. Celebrating would mean that you were settling. The finish line. What wasn't clear to me is that there are many finish lines. And many races. I can still reach the finish line and then next time reach the finish line stronger, more focused, with less pain, faster, and maybe next time alone or with someone I care about. And celebration doesn't mean distraction, it means true acknowledgment of what is good about life and letting those around you know how much you celebrate them. I'm looking forward to that one.
Well, I've learned a lot. I'm still learning and these principles, in addition to other principles I've learned throughout my life thus far, are important to touch base with from time to time. Whether it's a "Place of Yes" or the "Precious Present" or "Blinking" or "being in the moment", all of these truths are important to touch base with, not to necessarily learn because once you start hearing this knowledge, you realize it was in you all along. And you just needed a spotlight to shine focus on it.
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