Who Am I Becoming?

I'm home on a Friday night. Left the office at 7:30. Woke up at 6:15 so I could be at the gym by 7 (didn't run into Handsome Brit today), then in the office by 8:30. Who the hell am I? And I've been up watching WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE on NBC and SEX AND THE CITY DVDs waiting for 10 PM to come so I could go to bed.

I'm becoming an old person in a rut.

When I was in a relationship, we used to have these younger friends in their 20s who would go out all of the time and complain about how they weren't meeting the right guys. I remember thinking how lucky I was that when I was young and their age, I was in New York, having actual fun. Having actual anonymous sex. Having actual interesting moments that I would look back on instead of being stuck in a crowded dive bar called the Motherlode.

I gave a guy a blow job in front of my boyfriend in broad daylight at a lounge. That's the kind of fun person I was. And now here I am on a Friday night at home blogging and waiting to go to bed.

I would like to shake things up without necessarily trying to be that young kid again, at this age, it's borderline inappropriate. Although I have seen men in their 40s and 50s who have done the same thing.

I don't know those boys any more who used to hang out with my ex and I at our house and drink our booze. I think my ex still sees them. Maybe he's even dating one of them. My ex liked being a bit of a mentor to them. I didn't think I was old enough to be a mentor or even wanted to be. We'd take them out to brunch and throw parties for them, like we were past our prime.

I'd like to think that I'm just hibernating instead of being put out to pasture. That I'm just gearing up for my second wind to kick in. And what will that look like?

I'm back to feeling like I did when I moved back to LA. I don't want to meet anyone. I'm not going to find anyone very interesting. Well, I'm certainly not hanging out at the bars.

My ex saw me laughing and having a grand old time out at the boulevard last Sunday. Telling stories and having a great moment, not even noticing that he was watching me. Like I didn't have a care in the world.

Now if I could actually BE that guy...