No Regrets

Today I ripped off a band-aid.
Yesterday, I found out that my ex-boyfriend, The Drummer, had a new boyfriend. A friend tried to "soften the blow" by letting me know. In that aftermath, I decided that I needed to get certain things from the house that I had put off grabbing six months ago. I needed to close a chapter.

Well, I didn't realize just how much of that chapter was unknown to me until today. I arranged to meet him at his place--where I also used to live. He greeted me and he looked great. He had lost some weight. He looked tan and happy. He's doing pilates now and is finally using the yoga mat I had given him five years ago for his birthday--the yoga mat he never used. The place was the cleanest I had ever seen it. I knew he had this new boyfriend and I didn't want to tell him I knew.

We talked about his recent gigs and some videos he was editing. We chatted about what he has been up to work wise. We talked about our break up a bit. There was a lot of chatting until I finally got the nerve to ask him about his boyfriend. But I had a change of heart. Our friend had asked me not to mention that she had told me about the new guy. I originally planned to honor that. But I then decided to honor myself. I didn't want to be dishonest.

I told him I knew and I had thought about lying, but I didn't want to do that. He admitted that he has been seeing someone new. And that this new boyfriend and him have been dating for four months. Whoa. Okay. Four months. Really. All right. I took a breath and was not doing a great job at appearing calm. They met at one of his gigs, not through mutual friends, which I kind of worried about. He's younger than The Drummer. I found out that one of his best friends, who he always said he considered like an older brother, he hasn't seen in months. About the amount of time that he has been seeing this new guy. Interesting. I told him that this friend of his found no reason to be polite to me any more when he saw me at the gym. He seemed surprised by this. I wasn't because I always felt the friend wanted to date The Drummer instead of me. The Drummer never brought us all together to make things less awkward. I had to beg The Drummer to set up a time for us all to meet. There was something either about me or about his life at the time that he had to compartimentalize.

I had to go meet my friend and so I decided that I needed to get the camping equipment I set out to retrieve. And as we were getting that stuff, I asked The Drummer if he took the new boyfriend to Joshua Tree for Memorial Day with all of his friends. He did. All right. Let me take a breath. But he clarified that he and the new boyfriend did not sleep in my father's tent. Small victories.

He helped me take my stuff to the car. I had one last question that I really didn't want to ask. But I had a feeling. I asked him if he was taking the new guy to Wisconsin when he was going to meet his parents. And the answer was: YES. I about lost it. I had to leave. When we were together he wasn't out to his parents, so I never met them in the four and a half years we were together. And this guy swoops in and meets the parents, enjoying the benefit of all the ground work I had laid out. I didn't want to be angry or to lose my composure. But I did. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. It feels like the break up all over again in some ways.

But as he admitted, the relationship was over long before it was over and he was ready to move on. And move on he did. It's going to take me a minute to get past this.

And this is the reason I did not keep up my end of the bargain to keep quiet about knowing about the boyfriend for the friend who told me. She wanted me to have time to process before this party. But I didn't have all the information because she did not have all of the information. So I still would have been blindsided by a bunch of things. I also did not like that she did not approach The Drummer to let him know that she wanted to tell me and to give him the option to tell me himself. The Drummer said that he wishes he had the chance to tell me. But he was also avoiding the conversation. Four months in and I've been calling him and talking to him about stuff--and no mention of it.

Earlier in the conversation, he mentioned that he spent Fourth of July with a friend and his family in a local suburb. I knew that this "friend" was his boyfriend. And through some investigative reporting (i.e. stalking), I found out who this guy is. I had the information about where this guy's office is and what he does for a living. Made it pretty easy.

Now I'm not proud of myself for doing this. It's late at night and it's been on my mind. For the record, he is very cute. And he looks like he's got a good body. The Drummer was always able to get the good lookers. He's a great looker himself. He's the hottest guy I've ever dated seriously. I've slept with plenty of hot dudes. But he's the hottest long term relationship I've had. Why does that matter? I'm shallow.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll make smarter choices and I won't be a total stalker. But tonight, I'm hurt. Here's the silver lining: the Universe reminded me of who my ex is. He's a kind and wonderful guy. But he's not someone I felt took care of me during our relationship. He didn't stand up for me in proudly introducing me to people. I was always introduced with a sense of doubt and anxiety - as if I would do something that would paint him in a negative light. And, as someone who wants to be my friend, I expect him to take care of me as his friend as well. But he didn't do that either. It's over. And I want to close this chapter so that if we're meant to open up the friendship chapter, we can do that.

A few friends reminded me that I helped him out in our relationship to live a truer life by example. And as his friend, I am happy for any part I had in that. But it's over.

I am grateful that the Universe reminded me of the path I needed to be on.
I am grateful that I have some closure.
I am grateful to focus on myself for a bit.
I am grateful that I have work to keep me busy.
I am grateful that I have friends who love me.
I am grateful to The Drummer for teaching me to love more unconditionally and more openly.