Spirituality: The Person I Am Meant to Be

I have been on THIS journey for almost four years.

This journey being the journey of this blog which I started almost four years ago. My big break up happened four years ago Halloween.  And what I have gained in perspective and in peace of mind in that four years is immeasurable. And it continues to grow and expand all of the time.

In some ways, I don't recognize that person. But in other ways, I am very aware of who he is and his attributes so that I don't revert back to that. I don't think I could go backwards completely, but that sort of Resistance is dangerous and something I have to keep my eye on constantly.

I started this blog because I needed a place to talk about these changes that were going on inside of me. I needed a place to be safe and here in this blog I could be safe and sound. I could voice what was happening. A friend years ago said that I had been incredibly honest in this blog. I know that she meant that I had been too honest. Well, not too honest for me. I had to exorcise those demons and I had to do them publicly so I wouldn't turn back. I had to make a commitment to myself to move forward and putting my life down for people to read made sure that I was accountable. And there was something incredibly liberating about that sort of honesty, especially in the first year of that blog. Now I write when I have to get a thought down. It's less urgent these days because I am living the life I want to be living.

I realize how much money doesn't matter, but happiness does. That does not mean that I want to be destitute.  But I don't want to be spiritually or emotionally bankrupt either. I had given everything away. I didn't know what riches I had, so I just gave them away. So actually four years ago, I was the poorest I had ever been. I know what real poverty looks like. To be spiritually gone is to have nothing. And I had nothing left. I had given everything away to my Ex because that's all I knew.

I used to want us to be friends. I used to want him and I to have an honest conversation, but I don't think he is capable of it. And if he is ever capable of it, he will find me. I will not seek it out because in some ways I was ready a few weeks after we broke up. I wasn't spiritually whole by any means, but I was ready to get rid of that old self. Now I don't need us to be friends. I don't need to be liked by him. I could give a rat's ass if he had anything nice to say about me. One of my favorite sayings is, "What people think of me is none of my business." And it's not.

I have been going through a period of unpopularity lately with certain people in my life. I take accountability and responsibility for hurting people when I have. But when I legitimately have not hurt someone, I am not in the business of apologizing to make them feel better. I am not into the business of selling myself out for that. I appreciate the love and the growth that those friends have brought into my life. I am grateful for the purpose that those friendships served. But certain relationships are only for a season of one's life. And I am getting much more certain in how I feel people out. I used to apologize up and down the block to people when I didn't want to just so that they would feel better. I didn't realize that they were shaming me and by apologizing, I was giving away my own power. Again, if I have done something wrong, I know it in my soul. And I will account for that. But if someone is bringing their grief to my table, I will push it aside and not digest it. That grief can get cold and moldy and stale and eventually go away. I am not taking on other's grief for the benefit of their ego.

I was watching Ali MacGraw on Super Soul Sunday a few days ago and she was talking about the joy of saying "No." Just a flat out No. Not an apology or a follow up or even a "No, thank you." But just no. And there is something powerful in saying No. A refusal to accept anything less than what you deserve. And we fall back on apologizing because just saying No or just telling people how you feel, warts and all, can be a lonely place. I even feel it in my relationship sometimes. But as my tarot cards said recently, my temperament is part of who I am. My ruthlessness. My cutting to the chase. I used to think that all of those behaviors were mean-spirited. They can be. But there's also something about cutting to the core of who you are and what you want that is extremely powerful. It's so powerful often that we run away from it. And I am no longer running away from getting to the essence of my being in its pure form. I don't need to cut it with anything, like an excuse. If I don't want something or I don't accept something, it is enough to not want it and not accept it.

That's something I couldn't do four years ago.  Four years ago, everything my boyfriend said to me or every insult he struck me with stuck with me. I couldn't shake the emotion. Every time we had a fight, I couldn't write to escape. I couldn't just put it out of my mind. I held onto it tightly and it made me deeply unhappy. It was an awful existence. And thank God I got out because now I know it would have killed me. Maybe not right away. Maybe not some sort of big blow out fight that would end in a knife stab or a gun shot. Maybe not a drug overdose. But if I continued to be unhappy, a cancer would grow inside of me, either actual or metaphorical. I had such a high threshold for pain that I stayed in it for way too long.

I don't like to stand that kind of pain for very long. I get rid of it right away. In fact, I don't get near it. My spiritual journey over the past four years has led me back to the person I am meant to be. I realize that I knew things for years that I didn't realize I knew. Then I gave myself away and started learning things I didn't need to know, except for the fact that by learning those things I saw the value in what I have always known. It's like living in CA growing up. I never appreciated how beautiful it is here until I moved to places with colder, wetter, snowier climates. Now I realize how lucky I am to live in CA for the weather and I notice it every day. Now I realize how lucky I am to have true happiness and certainty in myself that I will never take it for granted again.

I am grateful for every minute it took for me to learn every lesson I've ever learned.
I am grateful for peace of mind.
I am grateful for gratitude.
I am grateful for solitude.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.