Hitting Reset

There's a lot going on right now.
I'm supposed to be rewriting a play that I'm having a partial reading of in Washington DC next weekend.  But of course I'm getting wrapped up in the research and it being totally amazing.
I have a workshop that I'm doing in January of another play that I wrote this year.
January's going to be really busy actually.
I have the workshop, then I go to Portland to celebrate my Mom and my nephew's birthdays.  Then I'll see friends for a few days.
Then off to Santa Clara to guest lecture on agents and managers.
Then back there in February to do a special guest lecture on life after college.
Then Hawaii in March for 10-14 days.

I was talking to The Drummer about that trip.  We're trying to figure out how long we're staying.  My Mom can only be there a week.  My Brother and his family are going to stay an extra week.  I'm not working right now, so I'm feeling extra nervous about money.  I'm freelancing a bit.  I'm waiting on my unemployment extension to come through.  Money issues always weight heavy on me.  I have some money from my Dad that I inherited, but I felt that it'd be wasteful to depend on that, even for a little while.

Then my boyfriend said something supportive.  He said, "That's what it's there for."  And this isn't a guy who is frivolous.  He's a guy who has worked for everything.  He's very frugal.  But he said to me that maybe this is a reset.  Maybe I need this Hawaii trip to set me up for what the rest of my life is going to be about.  Maybe it will give me some rest and some enjoyment with my family so I am ready to tackle what comes next.

I just listened.  In that moment I was so happy that he is my man.  I told him that too.  I said that's what I love about him.  He's so supportive and open and truthful and wise.  I'm going to listen to him.  Against my usual judgment.  Against all of the things I was taught as a kid.  Despite the noise that tells me that I'm being lazy and that I need to get right to work.

I realized in that moment that my weirdness and embarrassment at not working has a lot to do with my own self criticism.  That I take things that my boyfriend and other people say and I add a lot of judgment to it.  Because...because of a lot of things: Dad, life, how hard I am on myself.  I make myself suffer more than I need to.  Because that's what I was taught.

Just when I thought I had exhausted the amount of LETTING GO I need to do.  There's more.