The Things I Talk About Now

Theatre.
My plays.
Books.
Actors.
Characters.
Story.
Career.
Passion.
Music.
Love.
Ideas.

These are the things I talk about now.  It goes back to something my therapist said last week.  "You are gainfully employed."  I was focusing on having to make some money.  To get back on the hamster wheel, as it were.

Two years ago I talked about:
My boss' schedule.
Agents.
Managers.
Executives.
Lunches.
Drinks.
Scheduling.
My boyfriend (at the time).
Parties.
Dinners.

I was empty.  Even though our lives seemed full on the outside.  We had a lot of things to fill our lives, but our lives were empty.  And I was living someone else's life, so I was filling my emptiness with even more emptiness and I was never satisfied.

Then all of these changes happened and I broke free of all of that.  Then my Dad got sick last year and all I would talk about was:
Hospitals.
Pills.
Doctors.
Solutions.
Food.
Diet.
Death.
Mom.
Dad.

Then my Dad died and that part of my life was over.  During the past four and a half months, I have slowly come back to myself and to a rhythm of life that truly seems my own.  After the break up, I was going through transition.  Then I switched jobs.  Then I had that job to focus on and making my bosses happy.  I was still talking to agents and managers and other people's ideas.  Then that job ended.  And I had exactly two days of nothingness.  Then my Dad went into the hospital and the next year of my life was primarily focused in a different direction.  Then in July that period ended.

It's funny because I've got a lot I'm working on now.  It's great to be occupied.  But about a month after Dad died, I felt totally empty inside.  I felt like I didn't have anything that was motivating me to write the things I knew I wanted to.  One thing I don't have is patience.  Because that lasted maybe another month and now I'm writing my tail off.  I did a lot of writing this year.  And we always focus on the end result.  What do I have to show for it?  Well, I had a lot of things happen to me.  And I sat down to write more than I ever had.  So that should make me feel happy and accomplished.  The end result will come.  The depth and quality of the things I'm writing about is deeper than ever.  When I sit down to write, I write with a groundedness.

Everyone told me that after I taught I would be a better writer. Again, no patience.  I thought that would happen right away.  My last day of teaching was on December 1st of last year.  I fully expected by December 2nd that I would be a genius.  It has taken a full year.  It has taken death.  It has taken change.  It has taken so much to make my writing better.  And now I'm not afraid of it.  I'm not afraid of being changed.  Or being moved around.  Of taking a 180.  Life has made so many loops in the past two years that I'm used to the feeling in the pit of my stomach from being turned upside down.  I am great with it.  I love it.  It's now what I thrive on.

I used to thrive on standing on solid ground at any cost.  At the cost of risk.  Now I'm okay with being turned upside down and I just keep going.

But I look at those three lists of the things that I talk about now and I am so grateful for all of it.  I am a better writer now. But it's not because any of it has been easy.