I have a very close friend named Dave. Dave was my theology professor in high school when I was 15. I've known him most of my life and fate as kept us in each other's lives over the years. When I went to college, Dave lived on campus as a resident minister during my sophomore and junior years. Then he moved to New York. When I moved to New York, he was one of the first phone calls I made. We just seemed to follow each other around. And since I've been back in LA, we see each other regularly because he has family here still.
Dave has always been an incredible influence on me. I consider him one of my spiritual mentors. We haven't spoken much in the past few months. I'm assuming busy lives have something to do with it. So we finally connected yesterday. It was a short phone call, but I could hear a heaviness in Dave's voice. Usually, I launch into what's been going on with me and he says really smart stuff and I feel better about my life. This call was different. We chatted about how busy he had been and he apologized for not getting in touch sooner.
Oh, I suppose it's here that I should add that Dave's a priest. Dave was saying that it was hard for him to get his academic work done because his priestly duties kept getting in the way. Dave's a college professor and a scholar. He writes articles for scholarly journals all of the time. He was telling me that he spent the afternoon sending out Christmas cards to parishioners and writing a homily when he should be finishing an article for publication. He seemed to be in a crossroads about what his life should look like. I understand the feeling. So I asked him how old he was. Because I seem to remember that he might be close to 60. He's 58. And that's when I kind of got it. I'm about to be 40 in about six or seven weeks. And the past two years have been a serious period of contemplation and growth. It's a revaluation time. Also, 60 is the age when you enter your third act. So there's a lot of work that happens before then.
He said he was thinking about the mistakes he had made in his life. I told him that I couldn't even begin to understand what that period in life is like. But I did understand what it was like to look back at a period of time and think about regrets. I think my thirties were full of wrong decisions. I told him that. It was a decade of trial and error. Most people might agree that the thirties are designated for that exact purpose. I didn't quite realize how true that was. But I told Dave that having gone through such a major period of transition, I now understand how that has prepared me for what feels like a fruitful time in my life.
People say that it all goes in a blink of an eye. And I frankly don't look 40 and I can't believe that I'm about to turn 40. But I'm sure as hell going to milk the next 20 years of my life. They're supposed to be good, according to most people. I feel like a true adult in a lot of ways. My Dad died and I"m about to hit this milestone. Dave's also contemplating his age. He also looks young and he's incredibly vital. But I imagine that 60 feels closer to death than he felt before. It's one of the first ages where you feel like it could happen soon. My Dad only had 9 years left after the big 60th birthday party that we through him. In the Chinese tradition, 60 is when you become an elder. Or at least that's when you're celebrated as such because that's when you start getting the big birthday celebrations thrown by your kids. So I can understand how Dave's starting to confront his own mortality and what that means for the rest of his life.
Dave always has said to me that he feels like being a priest might only be a chapter in the book of his life. But I could feel that his feeling seems to be taking on a deeper resonance. He also said something that has stuck with me since he said it. "The metaphysical no longer holds the same value it used to." I had to ask him to repeat that. Because that has an incredible implication since he's a priest. Dave has been studying Buddhist teachings for a long time. I think that he's on more of an epic spiritual journey than most men of the cloth. I'm sure I have some Christian friends who would consider that statement blasphemy or might not understand the breadth of that statement. But that's deep. He said that he still believes in God and love for others, but the rest is up for grabs.
Up for grabs. Wow. And that made me think of my Dad. I think my Dad felt the same way. Maybe it was the Buddhist teachings that ran through his veins. My Dad didn't subscribe to organized religion. He didn't buy into it. It felt too inauthentic to him. I loved that about him. He didn't use belief as a crutch or as a reason to judge. He wore his opinions about someone on his shirt, plain as day. So when Dave said to me that the rest is up for grabs, I understood that as a spiritual concept. Not as evidence that he had lost his way. Actually, it felt like it was to the contrary. I felt like he was really on a path and is moving on to the next plane.
This was the first conversation I remember having with him where I felt like we talked about him for the most part in a way that wasn't just trying to balance out the conversation. This conversation was about him. And I'm glad we've made that transition. In a way it does feel like the teacher has become the student. And it's about time. I've learned so much from him my entire life, that I'm glad that my age and wisdom can finally be of some use. But I guess I needed to get there.
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