As the Christmas holidays approach, I am struck by an overwhelming feeling. My Dad is no longer on this Earth. When he was present on Earth, we didn't really get along. I wanted him to put his arms around me. He wanted to teach me to be a man in the way that he knew how to teach me to be a man. And that was to yell at me and scold me and push me hard.
In most ways he succeeded. I am tough. I am strong. I am smart. I have exceeded my own expectations and certainly his. I think that because I have always been intuitive, I have held myself back. I knew that my father wanted me to succeed, but I didn't want to shame him by besting him. I felt he still needed to feel like the man in the family. And that feeling of not wanting to best powerful men in my life, continued with my ex-boyfriend and one former boss. I was attracted to power and strength. I felt that I could also be strong by osmosis and by proximity. But I did not allow myself to truly understand that I could be strong by my own strength, my own name and my own person.
I felt blocked as a human being because my true destiny is not to stand behind any body. But I was fearful of what it would do to those around me who needed me to make them feel important.
Then I left my relationship. I left my old job. And my father was sick. I spent a year preparing for him to leave. And then he left.
And now I feel like he has given me something that has made me feel proper about standing in the forefront of my life. I don't know if it is permission. I don't know if it's energy. I don't know if it's his strength that he himself was sometimes afraid to express. But I feel him with me. I feel that this assertiveness that I'm feeling is his spirit in me. I have no one to stand in front of me. I have no one left to hide behind. It is just me and for the first time in my life, I am letting the light of the Sun shine fully on every surface of my skin. I am standing there solidly. And I am not backing down. I am living. I am living for myself and for what I want to do. Like never before. Here I stand and here I come to claim what I will present to myself, what I will be and what I will do with every last drop of my talent.
Dad's life has been passed on to me. That is the greatest inheritance. The power of the things that he didn't get to do that I get to do. I truly understand now that it is all available.
Today I had a meeting with the literary manager from a theatre that I've been wanting to work at. He had read my play. We talked about my play that I am so proud of. My child. At the end of our very enlightening discussion of my play, he thanked me for being a good writer. There is no better complement. I didn't just feel it as him thanking me for writing this play. I felt it deeper. Thank you for existing to write this play. Thank you for living. Thank you for your presence. I know that sounds self-congratulatory. But I'm at a place where I am finally able to congratulate myself for creating life, the act of creative procreation.
I can finally take it in. Another theatre in DC did a reading of part of the same play. And the way that actors and the director and the dramaturg were talking about this play. I finally was able to take in all of what they are experiencing with my work. It affects them. I can finally value that value of my work. I don't blow it off anymore.
There's a saying that you tell people the way you want to be treated. I have done that my whole life, but for most of it I have sent the wrong message. Through my own lack of appreciation for my talent, I have told people to underappreciate me. Now I will show people the way I want to be treated because I finally respect myself.
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