The Dream

My tarot card reading from December said that in the steps coming up I need to pay special attention to my dreams.  My powers of intuition are going to pay a big role in what's to come and that I need to trust the messages that are being sent to me.  I need to remain silent and hear the sounds of the universe around me telling me where I need to be.

I have had very vivid dreams over the past two to three weeks especially.  I knew that my dreams were speaking to me, but I really had no idea what they were saying.  I just knew that they were VIVID.  I went online and looked up what that might mean and one of the interpretations was that I might have mental health issues.

Well, that didn't sound too encouraging.

But I knew that there was a high level of creativity there because my dreams were so specific and so artful.  There were songs and there were high levels of storytelling in my dreams.  I would have paid money to see the movie version of my dreams and not just for symbolism, but also for their storytelling. I knew that there was a message in them somewhere, but I didn't know what.  I just knew that they were striking visually and it seemed like they were trying to get my attention.

Last night I had a dream that I was back in Portland, but like all of my dreamscapes, this Portland was more visual, more magical and more exciting in some ways.  I love Portland.  My brother and his family lives there.  I used to live there.  There's a possibility of me doing some big things there.  But it holds a special place in my heart.  

In this dream, I was on the streets, visiting friends, going through neighborhoods.  It was a little Portlyn, meaning it was a mix of what I remember about Brooklyn and Portland combined.  Maybe that's why it felt more vivid to me.  I was there for some sort of conference or meeting.  Wieden and Kennedy, the ad agency I used to work for, was having some sort of event there.  Everything about it felt ideal.  It felt like the ideal place to live and work and be a part of.  It felt intensely creative and exciting.

I was walking back to my hotel because I had to head back home and suddenly a raccoon has a tight grip on my hand.  It's like a vice.  I try to shake it off, but it stays on there.  I shake it off, it hops back on.  I shake it off, it hops back on.  Eventually, I shake it off and head into the back entrance of the hotel.  

Immediately, when I get to the hotel two of my closest friends from my Portland days are arriving at the hotel, Chris and Jarrett.  They've got huge smiles on their faces and they're glad to see me.  They're actually super excited to see me and I notice something.  They look like their current pictures in Facebook.  I haven't seen Jarrett in many, many years.  I haven't seen Flanny (my nickname for Chris) in at least five years.  They've got their suitcases and they just got there.  We can't believe we're running into each other.  They wonder if there's any way I can stay.  

I tell them that I'll go up to my room and see if I can keep it.  It's Room 417.  I also need to see if I can change my flight.  It's less than two hours before I need to be home and I am already late in heading to the airport.  Chris writes down his room number so I don't forget.  Room 517.  Exactly one floor up from my room.  

I try and call my boyfriend.  He's not answering.  I'm not sure if I'm calling to tell him I might not be coming home or if I'm looking for him.  Then I head back up to the room.  It's a gorgeous suite and no one is in it.

I see my friend Tove on the streets.  

I get an Instagram video from old high school friends, all looking like their present day selves. They send me a video from the beach to wish me well.

Here is why that dream had such an effect on me and why I feel it has something to say:

The tarot cards said that I need to pay attention to my dreams for clues in the steps coming up in my life.  I have for a very long time had dreams about high school, dreams about Portland, dreams about my past that always seemed to be about the person I used to be.  They were nostalgic.  They felt like a long ago time in my distant past.  I felt very removed from those memories.  But I have those dreams at least once a month, if not more, and I have had them for years.  It felt like I was living in the past and I didn't know how to get back to that person.

This was the first time I was having a dream about friends from my past who are in the present and in a place that represents a utopia.  I felt like Chris and Jarrett were asking me if I was going to stay in this place or if I really wanted to go back home.  I desperately wanted to stay.

I am no longer remembering the past in the past.  And I realize now that those previous dreams were not about times I wanted to relive.  The dreams were about the person I was.  And now that those people who represent a time in my life where I was truly myself and truly happy and fulfilled exist in my present (or a version of my utopian future), that means that I am living as that person in my present.

It means that truly…I am back.

The significance of the room numbers seemed to be that I was going from 417 to 517.  I am going to take things to the next level.

I now know that those dreams were about getting that person back.  And sure there's fear--in part of the dream I had a loose tooth (which signifies feeling doubt or incompetence)--but that was such a minor part of the dream.  Most of the dream was about the person I am now reclaiming myself, my true self in a place that represents truly who I am.

The Brooklyn/Portland mash up represents a state of mind more than going back to New York or Portland.  Place doesn't define me.  But when I am in a mental place where I feel truly alive and fulfilled, I will always feel like it's the most beautiful, the most exciting and the most creative place.

The fear fuels me, it no longer defines me.  It does not hold me back.  The cards said: "There can be no courage without fear to inspire it."

I am back.

I even saw my friend Tove, from my old Portland days, who wished me well.

And the raccoon?  The raccoon, according to dream interpretations, represents a secret or deceit.  And it was covering up my hand.  I'm a writer, so it seems like the deceit is the way I deceive myself or keep the secret of who I am from people.  And finally I threw him off…my writing hand.  My writing talent is no longer a secret!!!!!!  And the hand was closed.  A hand closed or clasped represents unity, completeness, acceptance or agreement according to the dream interpretation.  I am unified.  The person I am on the inside is now the same as the person people see.

Like my cards said, that person is:

An Entrepreneur
A Self Starter
He Uses His Full Potential
He Has Relentless Drive and Energy
He is Self Reliant and Confident

The Card is no longer Inverted.  I am no longer inverted.  I was deceiving myself in thinking about myself as anything other than as an entrepreneur, a self starter, someone who uses his full potential, who has relentless drive and energy and who is self reliant and confident.  That is no longer a secret.

I am no longer a secret.
I am unified.
I am complete.
I am accepting of myself.
I am in agreement on the inside and on the outside.

 I remember a few years ago, I had gone on a spiritual journey with a Shaman and was approached by someone who saw all of me.  And he said,

"I see you.  You are a warrior.  You are amazing.  You have it all.  You are everything."

And…

"You have never made a mistake in your life.  Everything in your life is exactly as it was meant to be.  Start living your life as if you have never made a mistake."

I finally got there last night in this dream.

This journey of the past three plus years I thought started the minute I walked out the door from my boyfriend of five years and nine days.

But this journey started with my spiritual, Shaman-guided journey.

Remarkable.

Everything in the tarot cards is now revealed to me.  I am seeing everything manifested.  I am unified with my mission, my destiny, and my spiritual power.

It is truly awesome.

I am grateful for this dream.
I am grateful for always following my instinct.
I am grateful that I have never made a mistake in all of my life.
I am grateful to be back.
I am grateful to live in the fullness of my potential, in the fullness of my awareness.
I am grateful that I woke up this morning and transcribed this dream with my full openness.

The tarot cards said that if I already think I am open minded, I need to go further.  And I think getting in touch with my intuitive powers is allowing me to go further.

I am gone.