A Good Cry

So since I found out that I'm a semi-finalist for the O'Neill Playwrights Festival, the ex has really been on my mind. I know he loves this play and have felt that he would be excited about this news. Yesterday, my thoughts about my ex got a lot deeper. I really started to miss him and I even considered calling him to tell him about the festival. I was knee deep in it at this point.

I called my friend Susan and my friends Victor and Steve. No one was around. I poured it all into the pilot I'm writing. And I felt fine.

This morning, I'm watching Bethenny Getting Married? on Bravo, in anticipation for Bethenny Ever After's premiere next week. There's this scene, before her wedding, where her and her fiance Jason are talking to the woman presiding over the ceremony about who from their respective families is going to be at the wedding. And Bethenny said, "No one." Then she breaks down when she has to say OUT LOUD that no one in her family is going to be there. And this got me. I got teary. I probably got emotional because last time it was on, I got emotional. Yes, I thought about my ex a little bit because I thought that we would get married one day.

Then I talked to Susan when she called me this morning. I recounted the story with her and then BURST INTO TEARS, so much that I was having problems talking. I just have to say that I really miss him. And it just has to be okay. As strong as I've been over the past three months, today I miss him. And when I saw how caring Jason was with Bethenny and how he took care of her, it just made me sad. And now that I think about it, it's not sad because of how my ex was. But it's because he wasn't that way as often as I wished he had been. And when he was, it was beautiful, but I was more of the caretaker in the relationship.

And yes, I'm cleansing. And being off of caffeine, sugar and booze is enough to drive anyone to tears. But I really wanted to be able to talk to him about the O'Neill because I knew that he'd immediately get it. I think I just wanted the hug that I've been chasing all of these years from my Dad. That's what Susan said. And it is about my Dad. It's about approval and all of that shit I know I'll never get from him, so instead I wrote a play about it, which is a semi-finalist for a major theatre festival and I seek that out in the men I date.

Talk about cleansing. But now that we've dug this deep, there's bound to be more there. I'll make sure to carry Kleenex with me everywhere.