2011 - two hours old

I was told that I probably didn't need to make any New Year's Resolutions because enough has changed in my life in the past two months. So while I have brought about a lot of change in this amount of time, I will resolve to do a few things:

I will continue to be a part of my friends' lives even if I do get into a relationship this year or any other year for that matter.

I will be more honest with myself as well as with others.

I will always put myself at the forefront and not in the background.

I will never forget myself again. I won't have to come back because I will never leave.

Tonight was filled with friendship, food and footwork. I danced my ass off over the past three hours. Now I"m back home and I'm coming down before I have to go to bed. I have learned so much in the past year and especially in the past two months. I know I"m capable of love. I still know that even after the break up. I know I have a lot to give, but now I also know that I don't have to give it all away. I know that my ex is a good man with a lot of problems. But he loved me completely the best way he knew how and as much as he could.

I hope his life is better without me. A lot of friends have said that maybe he'll fall apart or that he must be devastated. Well, I guess that's what happens when you lose a great love. Even though it might not seem it to some people, of course I'm devastated. I lost my best friend two months ago. I was definitely committed to "for better or for worse." And we weren't legally married, not that that is even possible.

I could have had sex tonight. But didn't. A young hot drunk thing was after me. And it's not because of New Haven. I just felt a little too old for it all. And not in a world weary way. I just felt past it. I would have fucked that kid good. Fireworks. I would have rocked his world. But I just wanted to come home, walk the dogs and get some rest to tackle tomorrow.

I hate the thought that the ex and I won't speak again. I think we will. But it does kill me to not know when. It makes me uncomfortable because I can't control it. I also can't control this thing with New Haven. My mind wants to make up reasons why we're not going to make plans for next week until Sunday. Why we didn't have sex last night. But that's another thing I have to resolve myself to: life isn't going to be orchestrated by me. I have to be open to what it offers. I can't fix everything, but I can be ready for it.

Good night. See you in the morning.