Well, it was maybe bound to happen. New Haven and I aren't "going on dates" anymore. I can't say that I didn't see this happening. I had sent New Haven an email the other day to plan out date on Saturday. In it, I suggested that maybe I could come over and make him dinner and maybe give him a back rub and get him naked.
Apparently the wrong thing to say. Because that resulted in not hearing from him for an entire day. And then an email late on Friday night suggesting we go see a movie. All that was fine, but then he said that we should just meet up at the theatre. This is where my paranoia or extra sensory perception kicked in. I thought it was weird that he wanted to meet up vs. me coming to his place first and then maybe us having some naked time together before or after the movie and dinner. Something was up.
I had conversations with friends who told me not to make a big deal out of it. And that was good advice, but something seemed weird. This is me. I get effusive. I start talking about how I feel and it either works or it doesn't. To be fair, I was starting to think of what it would be like to truly start dating New Haven. And what I suggested in the email sounded like something a boyfriend might suggest. It could have just as well been about hot casual sex.
The date went fine. Then after the movie I found out he walked to the theatre, so I offered to give him a ride home. We sat in my car and he wanted to talk about something. Where we were going. I had a sinking feeling.
At first he took the "it's not you, it's me" approach. He said that I had just gotten out of a relationship and had been hurt. And he didn't want to go down the road further to see what might happen and then be the source for more pain. I didn't buy that approach. I wanted to know how he felt about me separate from my recent break up and the potential pain he might cause given my sensitive state.
He said he had doubts. I took the opportunity to mention that I had doubts too. And that I had kind of offered that up to the fact that I had just left my boyfriend of five years three months ago. But that it was okay. If he's not feeling it and we're both not sure if we want it to go to the next level, then we need to be responsible and end it now.
I know that New Haven is a bit of a caretaker and a wonderful person. But I also know that I need directness in my life right now. And it could be that "he's just not that into me." I assured him that if I could survive a five year relationship that was emotionally abusive in some ways, that I could survive the end of "going out on a few dates" with someone over the course of a couple months. I didn't want to be insensitive, but I also didn't want him worrying about me.
I said this to him in the car and I'll say it here. I'm grateful to him for helping get me through the first few months of being single. He is sweet and romantic. He's a talker. He's a doer. He has a lot of qualities that I'm looking for. And sure, it's better to get out before any one gets hurt. I was willing to give it more time. But I'm not going to convince someone to like me if they don't.
I also laughed and said that we've been down this road before. So if there's an Act three, then so be it. I started to care for New Haven, I admit it. It could be the rebound talking. It could be that I have genuine feelings. I don't know. I think we handled things like adults. And I feel like I have someone in my life who is more of a friend than he was over the past five and a half years we've known each other.
I have a better idea of what I want now. And that's good. I need to be single. I need to fuck around. I need to take full advantage of this time. And maybe I wouldn't be able to if I jumped into a relationship with New Haven. But I also know that this was great and that it was necessary. And I know that I was starting to look at him with an eye towards relationship. But I'm also good with this being the end of looking at him as a romantic interest and just viewing him as a good friend.
Leaving New Haven and now going to bed.
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