For Entertainment Purposes Only

I made a mistake. I started watching the SEX AND THE CITY series finale.

That might not seem like a big deal to some people. But for those of us who are tied into this whole "Carrie and Big" dynamic, it's lethal. Especially since I have been a bit wistful about my ex lately.

Sidebar: My friend Howie was saying yesterday how boring this blog has gotten since I've been a bit of a sap lately. I promise that this is the last of the sap for a while, Howie. But if I'm going to go out, I'm going Big.

Which leads back into...

So I'm watching "Splat", which is the episode before the big two part finale. It's the one where Kristin Johnson falls out a window and Carrie decides to go to Paris with Petrofsky. And then her and Miranda have this huge fight outside of a funeral in the snow. Miranda's objecting to Carrie giving up her column and following Aleks to Paris. Carrie says that she can stay in New York for Miranda and pretend that nothing has changed, that no one's life has moved on as long as she's doing the same thing she's done the whole time they've known each other. OR, as she says, she can go to Paris with him and LIVE her life.

And then Miranda, in her infinite wisdom, says: "You mean HIS life."

Ouch. And Carrie walks away. CUT TO the next episode where she's packing and Big shows up on her door step.

Sidebar: For someone who was living someone else's life for five years, this is hard to watch. I've always admired the acting, the directing and the art direction in these last few episodes. SJP never looked better. She really gave it to Big when he swept back into her life. But now, with this new perspective of what's happened in my life over the past three months...it rings true. And in this story, she does end back up with Big.

So I can't help but wonder...


But she walks away from it. And yes, I know I'm playing both sides of it. Because in pomp and circumstance, my ex is Big. But in terms of living his life, my ex also acted like Petrofsky. But Big always let Carrie be Carrie. He didn't always let her in, but the magic of who she is always shown through. Even though he hurt her pretty bad. Yes, I am attached to these characters and this show.

It's funny how you can still come out of all this emotional abuse and still ponder the question:

DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?

Is it stupidity? Am I an idiot? It's three months later, almost...and I can't just be done with this?

I think one of the reasons I haven't been writing this blog is that I've been a bit bored. Bored of thinking about this. Bored of not having any resolution. My life has improved so much since we broke up: new job, new interest, new body...new new new new new. New everything.

I feel like he's a cancer I need to remove. And while that might seem like the most obvious statement. Other than "the sky is blue." It seems to be the thing that's standing in front of me. The one thing left I need to get rid of. I'm not saying I'm putting a hit on him...I don't mean "remove" literally. :)

My wiser friends (and I mean wiser than me) would say that this means that I'm ready to move on. I left everything behind: the man, the dogs, the home, the pots and pans, the rest of it. It's like I cleared out all of the major things and now there are just some minor things to get rid of. Some final dusting.

Such as:

His cousin and his wife just had a baby. I've been trying to get in touch with them to see the baby. Because I think it's the right thing to do? Because I like them? No, probably because I still want to torture myself. My mother says to let it go. I think she's right. I need to stop all contact. If they wanted me to see the baby, they would have reached out. And while I'm mad that somehow they can't be mature enough to just answer an email like I requested and say how awkward it is...that's not my problem.

The bullshit wishy washy people. You know what, they're all protecting him and they can have it. They can protect the fuck out of him. It's not going to change what hasn't changed and what won't change until he starts looking within. He's not getting better, people!

My apparent residual anger? As evidenced by the statements above. Wow. But it feels good to let it out.

And I have to let it out here and now. Since it won't all fit on a Post It.

Carrie and Big are fictional characters. I love them. But in no way to Carrie and Big represent anyone in my life, namely me. They are not substitutes, they do not represent my feelings for me, they do not speak to me other than in brilliant and not so brilliant puns and rat-a-tat-tat dialogue. Carrie and Big exist for entertainment purposes only.