What I'm Worth

My last full week of work turned out to be this week. As a refresher, I'm going to work on this new pilot for USA, which I may or may not have shared. Anyway, I've been waiting to find out my official start date. Got that on Tuesday. WIll start on the 17th. And then I got a bit of interesting news regarding my year end bonus. Not going into that here since everything hasn't been settled yet, but here's what it got me thinking about: What I'm Worth.

There's a reason people don't discuss money. Money equals value and it's a direct way to discuss their own value. I know I've been scared up to this point about having any sort of conversation about my own value. And the other good way to start thinking about one's value is to go through a break up. So I've had an opportunity where I needed to discuss my own value for the past year at work, which is coming on the coattails of assessing my own value over my lifetime as well as the past five years. It's certainly one of the underlying reasons I started this blog.

So what are some of my conclusions? Well, I'm happy to report that I have value. That I have more value than I thought I had. On the superficial level, since I started adding "hotness" to the list (for myself and for others), I've gotten hotness in return. I'm getting a lot of attention on a pure superficial level. I've always dismissed that. But I think on a deep level the superficial provides us with something. It's a touchstone. There's no denying that a wink from a stranger or a pretty dress makes us feel better. It's just a little boost. It's not something to hang our self esteem on, but it makes us feel good. And that has great effects in other areas of life. I've gotten many boosts lately.

And in terms of New Haven, well, that's a...thing (not out of disrespect, out of not wanting to label) that's been amazing for my own value. I'm back on the market and I had devalued myself. I had priced myself too low. Here's a witty, charming, sweet, attractive guy who's into me. And I'm into him. And we're not holding anything back, but at the same time we're being honest with the timeframe that this is all happening. We're acknowledging the context. We're talking about it when we need to and not when it doesn't matter. It's communication and I didn't realize that had fallen out for both my ex and myself - a good time before the relationship ended. We weren't communicating and I'm just as responsible as my Ex is.

I'm going to the gym and loving it. I'm not afraid to put myself out there in a superficial way. Because I know that the deep stuff isn't going to evaporate just because I lift a dumbell or do a push up. I can have both. And I didn't let myself believe that before. I believe that now.

So having these conversations about money and compensation in another relationship that now represents part of my past just seems like the logical next step. If life is a journey, which I believe it is without getting to spiritual, then this is the next step in that journey. The universe wants me to realize my value and when my purpose and its purpose are working together, great things can happen. I can't get to the next stage in my life without realizing my value. Because if I don't know it, how can I communicate my value to future friends, lovers, employers. And it's not about pressing an agenda, it's about living. Just living.