Advised Out

I have this Sunday ritual with a girlfriend of mine. We go running and then we go to breakfast. But when there is shit going down in either of our lives, we just settle for a long walk because our mouths have to be able to move fast - more than our legs do.

My friend wants to have a child as she nears forty. She is a newlywed and there's a lot of pressure. It sounds like this:

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

And she had a bit of a moment. My advise to her, admittedly, came from a place of recent experience:

"If it's not right, don't do it."

"Maybe now's not the right time to try if you feel overwhelmed by the idea of being a mother."

And on and on. So while I may have had incredible pearls of wisdom to offer her, I realized something. I do not have her uterus, her childhood experiences, her choice in men, her world view - in other words, I am not her. SO I just need to shut up. This is the thing, people are going to do what they feel is the right thing to do, despite how brilliant or correct one's advice is. I went through it in the weeks immediately after my breakup. Most people had brilliant advice. And most advice was brilliant in those first few weeks. But as things got further along, I started to see what was right for me. And only you know your circumstances. Only you know what you're willing to put up with.

Here's some advice my godmother gave me when I complained about the way my mother was being pushed around by my father (not physically). She said: "Your mother knows what she's doing." And that's it. My friend knows what she's doing.

I know what I'm doing, too. This week I had sent an email to the ex. I was frankly tired of this statement by a well-intentioned friend:

"Do you miss him?" YES. "Are you thinking about him?" YES. "Well, you better not talk to him because you're going to fall down the slope and get back together with him." WHAT? Not that I disagree with my friend's statement or even his intentions, but I started to feel something bubbling up. I started becoming preoccupied by the thought that if I got in touch with my ex, that all of a sudden I'd throw it all away, the past few months of growth and progress. Stronger people have done it.

Then I realized that I was still giving him too much power. So I emailed him. Wished him a happy new year. Told him that I was grateful for our relationship. But no where in that email did I say that I would always love him or that I wanted him back. But I acknowledged the importance of where I've been to where I'm going. And I let something go in doing that.

THE RELATIONSHIP OF ME AND ______. 2005-2010. RIP.

I had to let that go. 2011 is about what my life is about now. It's about New York. It's about new opportunities. It's about training for a marathon for the Fall (I wanted to do LA, but it looks like I won't be in town for it if I'm in NYC). It's about finishing this play that doesn't want to be let go. It's about sex, which I'm having. It's about thinning down. It's about trimming the fat in all areas of my life. It is not about obsessing about the things I obsessed about before 2011. I have ended relationships that are allowing me to wipe the slate clean. And now I'm making that slate beautiful with all of the new things I'm putting on it.

So I'm not going back to him. I just didn't want him to have control over me. Like he did over five years. Now anything that happens when I run into him in the future, won't send me into a tailspin because of what I am holding on to.

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Addendum: And while we're at it. Let's stop talking about the Ex. Let's talk about the sEX. Or the EXhibitionism. Or the flEXing of muscles. Or the EXtra pounds I've gained over the holidays. EXperiences? Glad to talk about those. But not about the ex.

It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life. And I'm feeling good. (Me and Jennifer Hudson for Weight Watchers, anyway)