I had chorizo and eggs for breakfast. It's a beautiful day in LA. And I'm still a little disappointed from last night. I also slept in. For me that's 9:30. I know it's New Year's Eve, but that's what sleeping in feels like to me. I'm not a wake up at 1 PM kinda gal.
I went to LACMA with my best friend yesterday. Her Mom works there, so she showed us around all of the different exhibits. I've been to LACMA a bunch of times, but it was nice to get a guided tour. I love that my best friend understands so much about art because her Mom taught it to her. And I love that her Mom still acts like her daughter is six: "Look at that, _____! Did you see that, _____? Are you paying attention, _____?" It was the best.
Then we went to the restaurant at LACMA and had a little wine and snack. Ran into a good friend of mine, who's a well-known Asian-American actress. Let's call her Karla. Karla looked amazing as always and I always love seeing Karla because she's from Hawaii and whenever I see her I think about my Dad's side of the family. It's like having a cousin you didn't know you had. But I had to break the news that the Ex and I broke up. It was awkward, but she said the same thing everyone else has said:
"Weren't you together like a REALLY long time?"
Yes. Five years. We were together for five years. I just did this thing on Facebook today called "My Year in Status." It compiles a bunch of your status updates into one document for 2010. And it was interesting looking at what Facebook had chosen randomly. A lot of it was about "my man." Waiting for my man. Working downstairs while my man works upstairs- that's modern love, I guess. Need more dude time with my dude. Up early at Urth Caffe with my man - he makes the douchebaggery more bearable.
I have to admit. I'm really nostalgic right now. I miss "my man." The guy who was my man at least. I guess it's appropriate. It's happening on New Year's Eve. I should be reflective today on the year that passed. Normally, I wouldn't have to think much about what we were doing. I knew we'd be together. The first year we went to a party at Reichen's house in Culver City. And it's not like I'm just saying Reichen because he's a one-name star like Cher or Madonna. I just don't remember his last name. I got drunk, threw up when we got back to his house. And there was apparently a bunch of nasty gay activity that went on that I don't remember.
Another year, we had people over to the house. Made a big dinner. That was great.
Then there was the year we went to the party in Berkeley. We drove up the coast and found our favorite sushi restaurant called Harada. Loved that place. Great memories. Spent the night with Andy Samberg and the male cast of SNL. I guess not "the night" although I would have totally blown Jason Sudakis. Just saying.
Last year was another group thing. I'm not going to be mad at myself for missing him.
My best friend's Mom remarked yesterday that I seemed so cavalier about the whole thing. Even though we had been together for FIVE YEARS (as people keep reminding me). I don't know if the five year thing is a shock because it was so long and why would you break up after that amount of time. Or if it was unbelievable that I stuck around for five years. It was five years I was happy to spend with that one person. Until I wasn't. She seemed to be shocked that I just had enough and left.
I suppose some of that attitude came from the fact that I'm still trying to hold it together. I'm trying to have some dignity about the whole thing. Maybe some big leveling dose of depression is still to come, which New Haven has hinted at. I don't know.
All I can say today is that I'm looking across the 5 freeway and I see beautiful mountains and greenery. I'm in a place I wouldn't be staying if I was still in a relationship. Most likely, I'd be inside today. Waiting with the boyfriend. For him to get up. I might even miss out on New Year's Eve. He would be depressed for some reason. He would probably get mad at me for something small I had done, which would seem to wreck his day. The clock would strike midnight. I might be in bed by then. Or downstairs feeling resentful and looking at guys on Grindr. Or I might go out anyway, like I did on Halloween. Because I was sick and tired of missing out on fun because going out to me meant policing. And that would probably instill a great deal of anger. And I'd get texted messages telling me to come home and accusing me of being a bad boyfriend.
If I hadn't left, I would most likely be breaking up with my boyfriend on New Year's Eve. How depressing. And sad. And tragic. And definitely MORE TRAGIC than breaking up with someone two months earlier on Halloween.
Which I did.
All of a sudden, I'm not as depressed. I've had a good two months. And maybe I look cavalier because my head is held high. Because I actually do have dignity again. This two months has been good because I've been up and down, happy, sad, angry, distracted, slutty, pretty, fantastic, a wreck, a joy to be around and a horror. But at least I've been comfortable in my own skin.
I miss him a lot less now that I did at the start of this thing. I guess writing this blog IS a healing experience.
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