When Jane Fonda was on OPRAH a few months ago (for the "FAREWELLLLL SEASONNNNNNN!!!!) she talked about doing a "life review." I think she did hers after she divorced Ted Turner. She did it around 60. At the time I saw the show, I thought it was a good idea, but I figured there would be a great milestone where it would make the most sense to do it. And since I don't have a big birthday coming up any time soon, I'd just have to wait.
But the universe had other ideas. So here I am, 39 days into my breakup, and at the beginning of what's become a life review: this blog. It's a time to assess the choices I've made. To break patterns. To renew. And it's been helpful. And this life review is starting to have affect in the rest of my life. Friends are reading this blog and coming forth with their own stories. And they're actually taking part in my life review because there are experiences that will trigger a new thought.
Like yesterday, I had lunch with my friend and she said something about having to start all over. She didn't have any friends after she broke up with her guy (she's now happily married - so there's hope). And the people who reached out to her were people who just knew her casually - work associates and acquaintances. But those are the people who have become her closest friends. She literally rebuilt her life from scratch. It's like she cleared away all the dead leaves and made way for new life.
I love that. And I love that she shared that with me. It's really helping.
I'm having a FB chat with a friend (who will remain nameless because he just mentioned to me how hard it would be if he went on a date with someone and the review of the date appeared on my blog). He's someone I knew in NYC and always adored. I think I even had a crush on him once and we might have fooled around. But he just commented on something I shared with him about dating. He said it was a healthy outlook. And I remarked that it was a kind of health that I've fought really hard for. I didn't come out of my mama's coochie this smart. Trust me.
He had remarked that he felt really comfortable being alone. And I shared with him that I had made a decision before I dated my ex. I was going out on these dates with guys - and this felt really typical of LA, but I'm sure it's typical of anywhere - guys would put up with the most ridiculous shit just to get laid. It's the whole "he's just not get into you" vibe. Guys would go out on dates just not to be lonely. And it's not like they were presenting much criteria up front. I went out on a date with a guy who was SO BORING, my cock wasn't even hard when we were laying in bed together. He had this weird body. It's what we now call "skinny fat." He looked thin, but had NO MUSCLE TONE WHATSOEVER. It's creepy. It doesn't feel good and it makes them feel like some sort of amorphous blob. But he just didn't have anything to say. We watched "The Mirror Has Two Faces" at his condo in Orange County (which might be the other problem, although I have had great fortune in the OC). And I completely stopped paying attention to him. He'd say something like, "I love Barbra's hair in this scene." And I'd say something like, "Oh, no I'm not hungry." And I thought: WHAT AM I DOING? This is a total waste of time. IN the amount of time I've been hanging out with this body snatcher, I could have worked out at the gym, done some window shopping at South Coast Plaza, jacked off a couple of times, caught up with some friends on the phone in NYC, and made a bolognaise. That's probably exactly what I was thinking when I said, "Oh, no I'm not hungry."
So here's the wisdom:
I don't want to date any more just to have companionship of any kind. If I was going to go out and get laid, then that was going to be it. Of course, I would always be protected and safe. But if I wanted to fuck, then that's all it was going to be.
If I wanted companionship, I had friends.
But if I met someone and we clicked, then I'd meet him for a drink or brunch. And if it didn't work out, then I still had my friends and fuck buddies.
I didn't ask one relationship to be something that it's not.
But it's difficult. Because most of us are afraid of being alone. And even though we wouldn't be alone if we had fulfillment on a solo level, the IDEA of JUST ONE instead of PLUS ONE is scary. That's what keeps us dating the skinny fat guys from the OC.
So if I could say something to my dear friend, who I am so glad I'm back in touch with because I still think he's cute, I would say this: You live in the best city in the world. And like my favorite fictional iconic New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw says, "You're never alone. The city is your date." But it has the best looking guys in the world and the best cunning linguists. The Apple has great places that are inexpensive to run into people. It's a great place to run in and to run into people in. You're smarter, cuter, and wiser because you live there. The city has made you a catch. Now you just have to decide if you want to get caught.
Or move to Boston.
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