I was just watching an old episode of Roseanne on TV Land. It's the one where they decide to use their 2-for-1 coupons on a Tuesday night at the Lanford Inn for a date night.
They're arguing and joking with each other about what they would do if they got divorced. Then they saw Patsy, an acquaintance of theirs they hadn't seen in a while with a younger man. When she came up to them, they found out Patsy had divorced her husband because he didn't support her desire to go to college. Come to find out, that Patsy was inspired by Roseanne because she said she wanted to become a writer and that inspired Patsy not to give up on her dream of college.
When Patsy left, Roseanne and Dan debriefed. Dan was sullen because he thought he might be holding Roseanne back. "You have dreams too. Don't you?" I don't think he did. But he asked her what would happen if her dreams were more important to her than him. She said that they'd work it out. That their marriage was strong enough to weather the ways that they may change as people.
I always thought that I would be like Roseanne and Dan. That I held the relationship together emotionally, but that I was there with my Dan. Roseanne says to Dan, "Face it. This marriage is like a life sentence with no chance of parole." She laughed. They were in it for the long haul.
Then Dan asked her to dance, which she had been begging him to do the whole night. I remembered why I love that show so much. And then I got a little misty. It doesn't take much these days.
With the way I was feeling today, I started thinking. Am I losing my gusto? I seemed so sure of myself a week ago. I even had a date last night. I like where my life is going. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought, as my Nameless Date and I were holding each other and stroking each others...arms. Seriously, we were petting each other. It was cute. As we were holding each other, and as I looked at this meal I had made for him (I haven't cooked for anyone since my ex) that those were the things I missed. I missed having a man to come home to. I missed him specifically. And I really loved holding this man next to me. We had some history and it felt comfortable. I felt a little guilty. Like I was cheating on my ex (God, I really just want to say his name. It would be so much easier). I can't believe that's how I felt, after everything. I know you don't stop loving someone even though the circumstances for leaving were the right ones.
I mean, come on! I drove by the house today. I clearly am feeling nostalgic. And I wish it would stop. I wish I could just continue to be pissed off and disappointed. I know those feelings would return. I just wish they never left because it would be so much easier. But I even looked at the salad I made and thought of him. Because I used to make the same salad! Ridiculous. He hasn't trademarked a romaine, tomato, carrot and feta salad with fresh lemon juice and olive oil.
I want to call him. And I'm really hoping by writing it in this blog and making it public that something will stop me. It's December 17th, a week before Christmas Eve. Normally, this would be the weekend before he'd go home to see his family and we would be exchanging gifts. Having our own Christmas. Maybe that's why I'm thinking of him right now and feeling nostalgic.
I keep telling people that I'm happy to be rid of the anxiety that came with getting him a gift. The truth is that I'm not as happy to be rid of it as I claim I am. That fucker. He's still in there.
I'm going to go see my friends and have dinner with them. Maybe it's not good for me to be alone right now.
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