The Little Things We Did Together

My favorite play is WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF.
My favorite musical is COMPANY.
My favorite TV show is SEX AND THE CITY.

My favorite pieces of popular culture are about dysfunctional relationships! What does that say about me?

Some of my favorite songs have titles like:

"Didn't We Almost Have it All?"
"Neither One of Us (Wants to be the first to say Goodbye)"
"Heartbreaker"
"Fooled by a Feeling"
"A House is Not a Home"
"Don't Waste Your Time"
"Don't Cry Out Loud"
"She's Out of My Life"
"Please Don't Leave Me"
"Why You Wanna Treat Me So Bad"

AM I ROMANTICIZING HEARTBREAK? I think I love a complicated relationship. And on some level, I think that relationships are supposed to be difficult. I think they are difficult, but at the same time I am starting to believe that I don't have to work to make them difficult. I'd be nice to be treated well. And I don't think that's just for my romantic relationships. It's for more than a few relationships in my life.

It makes me think about suffering. And why I feel I need to suffer to make a relationship significant. That's all on me. I can't blame any of the exes for that. I like to earn things. Do I think I'm earning my relationship by having it be so difficult. "Look at what I had to OVERCOME!" It's like I was banking on some sort of future lesson or pride where we look at each other, grey haired and reminisce on how difficult the early days of our relationship were. "But thank God we stuck it out."

It's not talk of God and the decade ahead that allows you to get through the worst,
It's "I do" and "You Don't" and "No body said that" and "Who brought the subject up first."

Maybe it's just that I'm a frustrated torch singer. I love a painful, moment of regret.

Ugh. Strike up the band! Enough with the sad sack sentiments.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on

And now I'm just a gay cliche.

Or maybe I've always been one and never knew it. Because I think that Carrie and Big should be together! She's this wonderful, blossoming flower who's smart and witty. But when she's around him she puts on the tiara, waves her princess wand and expects to be carried away (pun intended, and totally appropriate) by her knight in shining armor. I do love Big. I don't mean to be SO critical. But why do I love him really?
How many times during my relationship did I say that my ex was my Big? Probably too many to admit. And how embarrassing if people knew the amount of times I didn't say it, but thought it.

Oops. Hello, blogosphere.

It's probably because I fancy myself Carrie (who doesn't). I'm a writer. I'm now writing my own column (blog) for a prestigious New York weekly (my own free website where I post whenever I want). I express myself through fashion (a lot of clothes the ex bought me and wanted to see me in). And I've got a group of girlfriends (mix of straight and gay guys and girls who don't know each other but who are in my life and who I've abandoned to be in said relationship with said Big) who support me every step of the way. I love an au courant cocktail (Bud Light or a mix of whatever's left in the house) and a good pair of shoes (my worn out Purple and Neon Green Pumas I purchased MYSELF on Gilt.com).

I am SO Carrie.

Is that the dynamic I'm going for? I guess it could be worse. I could have ended up with my version of:

AIDEN - the sweet ex who did everything I wanted him to. I kind of treated him like shit despite all of the wonderful things he did for me. He caught me making out with someone. Then it was over. Kinda like Carrie.

BERGER - the writer. It was too much for him. He didn't break up with me on a Post It, but he did break up with me via email or a short phone call after what was a great night together.

PETROFSKY - Have I met him yet? Maybe not. But he's just another version of Big, in a way. A guy who puts his needs before my own. A guy who's got a seemingly more important career than mine. A guy who loves me for my individuality, but eventually comes to resent it. So he supresses it. Oh wait...maybe I just sended my Petrofsky season.

So I'm still looking for Big. If that's what I really want. A guy that put me through the ringer, but eventually settles down. A guy who knows what he wants, despite the fact that I'm not always listening. A guy who's strong, debonair, but makes me laugh. A guy I just click with. The guy I've been pursuing.

Still Looking for Big. That's a title. But is it the story I want to tell?

I can't help but wonder...