Am I Just Lonely?

I woke up this morning to find that the sun was shining. And that is an appropriate image to how I was feeling last night.

I'm staying in this house in Silverlake and I'm loving it. I'm dogsitting. This is the first place I've stayed where I'm all by myself. So it makes sense that eventually I would notice that. I've been running around, wrapping up my current job, getting ready for the next one, working on the new play, working on the story for the new spec pilot, going out with New Haven, running to my friend's house to make sure her roof isn't leaking...suffice it to say there have been a lot of distractions in my life lately. And now I'm here with Wally and Midge (the dogs). They cuddle with me in bed. They scooch me over so I'm sleeping in weird positions and I wake up with my back aching. And they are tiny dogs. They remind me of Penny and Franc.

Oh.

What are Penny and Franc doing this holiday while their Daddy's skiing? So I think about that for a while. And I interact with Wally and Midge and talk to them as we go on our walks. Like I did with Penny and Franc. And it hits me. It's two days before Christmas. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not exchanging gifts with my boyfriend. And I'm alone.

And it's not the kind of alone that feels like dispair. It just feels a bit sad. And it feels like maybe I'm doing things that are trying to replicate a life I no longer have. And does that mean I want that life back? Does it mean that I'm trying out things that are similar because I actually did like that sort of domesticity. But I just didn't like all of the other trappings that came with it. And ultimately, I couldn't make him happy. No matter what I tried to do.

And is the answer to change everything? It's been what I've been trying to do. Because why not? I didn't think I wanted to live on the east side, but maybe I like it. I'm sitting at this computer, next to a big window, looking down on the 5 and staring into the hills and mountains. It's peaceful. And walking around this neighborhood reminds me of places in East LA where my grandmother lived growing up. And it is the eastside. So it's very Latin friendly. And even though I am also half Chinese, I always say I'm Latin. Maybe because I want people to know I'm a fiery lover.

But I'm also realizing that it's just me on this journey right now. And I don't have to be alone. But I don't have to add a partner to the mix just for companionship. Which for the record is not what I think I'm doing. And I'm actually going to have a private conversation if I need to with the person who's making my life a lot more pleasant these days. Let's just say he's worth raising the question for.

I think I've done a pretty good job at this single thing. I've always said I was a good single person, which made me a good partnered person too. I love my independence. But when I'm all in, I'm all in. That's in singlehood and partneredhood. I love laying around the house with the dogs and talking to myself. That's probably why I love being single! I talk to myself anyway. So there's always a dialogue happening. And now that my niece is coming to town in a few hours, I can talk to her. She's only 17 months so she won't talk back. But she'll just listen. Riveted.

The lonely thing came up because my friend "Bensemmon" brought it up. Ben's harsh. Ben said that I was distracting myself with New Haven maybe because I'm just lonely. He kind of said it like that. "Well, sweetie. You're lonely."

Oh. I'm lonely. And of course I couldn't stop thinking about it after that. Partially because he said it so matter of factly. And partially because I do really respect Ben's opinions. And now on this beautiful Thursday morning where I don't have to be at work, I'm thinking of it again.

Am I lonely?

Or do i just enjoy being alone. And inviting the cuddles in when I need them. There is no pressure from New Haven, which is amazing. We did set up the "third date", as it were. I'm looking forward to it. And not in a "that's all I can think about way." And it's not like I don't care either. Let's just say I'm warmed by the thought.

I think that's a nice way to put it. It's a feeling that's going through my whole body, but I can still function. And it makes me a little less cold. Still alone. But just a bit warmer.