I had lunch with a very good friend today, who also happens to be a successful TV executive. She's the person I go to whenever I have a fresh idea, just to run it by her. If she likes it, then I start writing. I don't know if she knows that, but since she reads this blog, she does now.
We both have dogs that we love and would find it hard to live without. Although, right now I'm living without them. Or at least away from them. I don't remember if I've shared this already, but when I went to get the last of my boxes, Franc followed me all around the house. Penny couldn't be bothered. She just laid on the floor eating her bone. She's so self-involved.
But Franc followed me upstairs and downstairs. Then he waited for me as I loaded up my car. I haven't talked about them much because it's too painful. I feel like the next time they see me, they'll hate me. Or they'll want to bite me. Or worse. They won't recognize me.
And I know they're dogs, which means that they'll love me just as much as if they had seen me five minutes ago. But I haven't talked about them because the guilt is pretty major. I started crying at lunch with my friend because she asked about how they were. The conversation started because I talked about getting them gifts for Christmas (see previous blog). And the idea of splitting them up is heartbreaking. They have each other and they should continue to have each other. Right now they're living with their other Dad (I refuse to refer to myself as Mommy, although Daddy Bestest I will answer to). And as soon as I get a permanent place, hopefully we can share custody a bit.
It's not like I can explain to them why I had to leave. I can't go see them everyday either so that they don't forget me. I know they won't. But that doesn't make it any easier to have left them.
I wasn't a dog person when we got Penny and Franc. My parents didn't allow pets. My ex always said that he wanted dogs again after his last dog had died in his arms a couple of years before we met. One of the two only times I really saw him lose his shit was talking about Lily. And in looking back, even though I was reluctant, he kind of gave me an ultimatum. He said that he was ready for a dog and it could be now or later, but it would be at some point.
Those first six months were so difficult. I cried. I was so mad that he talked me into it. It was because he had left me to deal with the dogs after work every night. His schedule never adjusted to accommodate these new additions to our lives. And he made it clear that he wanted two. I was completely resentful. And then I just grew to love them. Just like that. I saw their personalities and they had me.
I saw my ex openly praise Penny over Franc. And it reminded me of my childhood. I felt like the odd one out, even though my mother did treat me differently than my brother because it was so clear that he was my Dad's favorite. SO of course then I took care of Franc. I love them both, but I don't like that Franc has to feel like that. It was too painful for me and I do realize that I'm projecting.
I miss my boy Franc. I miss how pretty he is and how loving and mellow he is. He's his papa's boy. And Miss Penny loves attention, will step over her brother to get it, and loves been the Queen Bee. Just like her Daddy. They are a great pair. And I wish they could read so they could know how much I love them and how sorry I am that I had to leave.
And now I'm crying again.
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