Crushed Out

I'm totally crushed out.

And yes, I know I should like a valley girl or a surfer from the 1980s. I'm an LA native. I have no shame in that.

So while I"m dealing with that, I'm going to just refrain from speaking about it. It feels a bit too soon to be this crushed out. And yes, I'm not substituting "crush" for another word. But it's just super unexpected. I actually like someone. And he's completely understanding about where I am right now. He seems happy for whatever happens and it's not indecisiveness, either.

I've never been here before. A guy who's totally available. Who I happen to like. It's usually more of a struggle.

I don't know why I think I should just be in more pain. I still have this thing where I think that the more suffering I feel, the deeper the love was. It was a deep love. No doubt. But I'm also in the middle of a huge sense of relief. Doesn't mean I'm not sad. Doesn't mean it was easy to leave. But when I make a decision, that's kind of it. And it usually takes me a long time to make a decision.

It's raining again in LA. I think it's making me reflective. I can't believe I haven't talked to the Ex. It's a good thing, but I just wanted things to be different. I think I'm worried that he hates me. And no one wants to be the bad guy.

But no one wants to be in a relationship that isn't working either.