Why do I do this to myself?
The Biggest Loser is a show that makes me cry anyway. I have a mother who's always struggled with her weight and it's made me sad to see her hold herself back. And I've always identified with the show because of the ways I've held myself back. So I'm watching The Biggest Loser, identifying with my mother's struggle and my own struggle to break out of the non-fat shell I've created for myself and inevitably I sob.
I cry for my mother. I cry for my childhood bullying. This year I cried watching Ada on the first episode. Ada is this Asian woman who started out pretty overweight. She had a brother who died in a kiddie pool next to her when she was a child. And her parents blamed her. Then she was in a car with she was a teenager with the other child then had. They got into a big accident. And her father (I think it was) slapped her across the face and said: "What are you trying to do? Kill another one?"
Waterworks. Because as an Asian kid, I get that sense of constant disappointment that is conditioned in us early. I know how hard it is to always feel like you aren't giving your parents enough. That the only thing you're giving them is reasons to be disappointed. So when I saw Ada on the first episode and she told that story, I immediately identified.
And then I saw her constantly stand out. She was so much better than she believed. She worked harder than anyone on the ranch. She was a constant force to be reckoned with. And she didn't even know her own strength. Because she had suppressed all of her anger and her resentment and pushed it deep down, she didn't think she was worthy of taking care of herself. Oh, Ada. I so know you.
And every week she got stronger and more self aware and had a breakthrough where she finally got in touch with her anger. And then there was the week where everyone got packages from home except for her.
But I wasn't ready for the episode where the final four goes home. Because Ada goes home and is told by her parents how much they love her. Probably for the first time. And her mother loses it. She cries for how she unknowingly made her daughter feel.
And if that wasn't enough, they run the marathon in this episode. As I mentioned before in this blog, I ran the Florence Marathon with my ex a few years ago. And it was one of the highlights of our relationship. Two catholic boys running a marathon and finishing together hand in hand in Italy, an intensely Catholic country. And besides that the commitment of marathon training and it really brought us together. So when I watch Ada cap off her journey with the life changing/image breaking/condition breaking running of a marathon, I just thought about how my life has changed in the past five weeks.
I've run a marathon in the past five weeks. Running past barriers I never thought I'd cross. Breaking thought processes that I thought were just stuck and ingrained. And I'm stronger and have more stamina than I ever thought I did. I did the impossible and I'm starting to really change the patterns for my life.
But I also cried because I remember what that moment was like, crossing the finish line with the person was the love of my life. How I thought that would be one of the stories we'd tell at our wedding. The event that bound us together. How proud I was that I had chosen this person and that he had chosen me and we had done something wonderful for ourselves. And for charity. We raised a ton of money with our friends Tim and Gina.
And now it's over. I'm sitting here typing this on my friends' couch in tears. And the Biggest Loser is allowing me a catharsis that I don't let myself have. I can cry as long as I'm crying about someone else - a TV show. Someone else's journey. I know how strong I am. Like Ada, I've come to that conclusion and I'm at a place where I can acknowledge my accomplishments and accomplish more because of that confidence.
But it's Christmas soon. And while I don't have the anxiety of buying him a Christmas gift he may hate, I don't have the possibility of giving him something he may love. I won't go back. And it would be wrong and unhealthy to. But I loved being Mrs. ____ _________. As much as I joked about it and I'd call our favorite neighborhood spot and say, "This is Mrs. ___ _________. I need a table.", it was nice to be thought of that way.
And I'm getting to that place of anger. Right now that anger is in my running and my workouts. It's in this blog. It's "healthy." It has an "outlet." But I think that at some point you just need to go hit something. Or you just need to shit in a bag, light it on fire and leave it on someone's doorstep. I know it's supposed to be dog poop, but I think I have a lot of anger still not dealt with. Enough anger that would warrant me defecating into a bag.
My friend Brian and I used to talk about "the one you learn from," the relationship before the one you have for the rest of your life. It's the one that makes that relationship better. And it's a myth. You learn from all of them. And it's unfair to put any relationship on such a pedestal. Well, THAT was the one I learned from that this is the one that I will have FOR LIFE. Even if we die trying.
I hate that phrase just as much as I hate the phrase "white knuckle." But that's another story for another time.
I stuck in a relationship because I was so afraid it would be the one I was learning from and not THE ONE.
I have another friend, my best friend's sister, who had to end a short marriage that was actually at the end of a 10 year relationship (dating for 10, married for 1). And while we cried about it and lamented the loss of a wonderful relationship, she came to a conclusion.
She shrugged and said, "Well, it was a great run."
And sometimes that's what they are. They're just a great run.
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