Downpour

LA is in a state of torrential rain right now. I'm writing this from Silverlake, the third place I've stayed since the breakup. This is a great place to retreat - I'm housesitting for friends of friends. A really sweet couple who will probably become friends - they kind of already are. That seems to be the theme of this breakup. More people are coming into my life or staying, than leaving. I think I sound surprised by that. My friend "Bensemmon" (as in Kelly, although that's not his real name) said that tonight. So something like that. Basically, his point was that I shouldn't be so shocked that people are coming back into my life or into my life for the first time because I broke up with the ex.

So in this crazy rain, I decided to drive to Orange County yesterday. Apologies to Caitlin, whose party I missed on Saturday because of the rain. As you'll read, I made a great decision to not go to the party because of weather. This is something I realized as I was driving home from the OC last night. Scared for my life several times. I have an ex-boyfriend, who I nicknamed Pillows, who had a Holiday party last night. Very sweet. He wanted to introduce me to his friends, some of whom he thought might be interesting guys to date. I love Pillows, but it's hard to go to the OC for just a party, let alone a relationship. I should know. I did that with him for six months. But before I get to the Pillows of it all, I should also say that it was a kind of nostalgia-filled day because I figured that I would ALSO go see my friend JJ, who used to hangout with both me and Pillows years ago. JJ has a fiance (she's a girl, btw) and has been living in Alabama. She's just been out here to close the clothing store she ran for seven plus years. So I thought it would be good to see her and catch up.

JJ thought I should come to her brother's house on Balboa Island, which is so Mayberry I can't stand it. They even have a candy shop and people leave their umbrellas unguarded outside. They pass you on the street and wave. It's because there are no brown people there. I'm convinced. I'm brown, but they probably thought I was either Italian or one of the wealthy Asians. Not the case. So JJ and I grabbed two umbrellas and started walking around Balboa. It was kind of romantic and sweet. Two friends walking down the street, sharing stories, talking about men, and having crass conversations. Holy Carrie Bradshaw! It was pretty great. We were well-dressed, in the rain and just having a blast catching up. Then I had to get on the 73, a toll road that made me fear for my life. It was foggy and misty and I couldn't see. I just was hoping I wouldn't go over a cliff.

But eventually I made it to Pillow's house and the first thing that happened when his boyfriend saw me was give me a big hug. It's funny how familiar we all get because we've seen each other on Facebook. I mean that in general. Everyone assumes a level of familiarity because of it. So I decided not to drink because I had to drive. And I met his friends. Two of them were totally my type. Pasty, stocky wide dudes. With beautiful eyes. That's totally what I go for. I have to stop denying it. I might be changing that, but for now I have to stop denying that's my type. We chatted for a while, but I realized that one of them either wasn't into me or was too shy to talk to me. The other one couldn't stop talking. He's an actor (and a nice guy for the record), but he's the one who definitely got my attention.

At the risk of offending someone I hardly know, this is why I kept talking to him. He conveniently revealed at some point that he's both a TOP and a BOTTOM. He's VERSATILE. Dudes love that. I want to know that on Sunday you're going to stick me from behind, but on Tuesday you might throw your legs up in the air. And he's kind of straight looking and he's got a hot barrel chest. Truth be hold, I would have gone home with his friend in a second. He had kinder eyes. Wasn't in as good shape as the Actor. But there was a sweetness that was there. Too bad he lives in San Diego. The Actor, on the other hand, lives in the OC, but commutes to LA for auditions. I won't go on and on and on and on about this guy. That'll make one of us. Hey, listen! To the Actor, should he ever read this: I think you are hot. I would let you...do things. I would even be extremely loud upon entry. HOWEVER...just not my thing. I'm sure you're a good Christian.

Leave it to Pillows to tell me about all these guys he wants me to meet and then he invites them all to the same party. It was fine. It would have been better if we had a Circle Jerk in the master bedroom. But I'm okay with the fact that I just drove home. And on that drive...I was FRIGHTENED. I was like Bette Midler in BEACHES driving from LA to San Francisco to see Barbara Hershey before she died. And I actually thought that my life might flash before my eyes. So I thought of calling my friend that I went out with last week. The one I cooked for. (See the entry titled "FIRST DATE"). I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I still kind of like him. He's the type of person I want to talk to late into the night as I sit here on the sofa and watch the traffic pass on the 5. I can see the lights into the distance - this is so very LA. I love this little bungalow. I hope I'm not insulting the owners by calling it a bungalow. But to me, that's romanticizing. I mean it as an extreme complement. But I did want to call my FIrst Date guy while on the road, but decided that it would be better to not have him near me spin out or crash on the freeway.

We do have a date tomorrow. And this one I can call a date. It's at the Arclight and we're going to see a movie. And we're going to an actual restaurant. Although, I wouldn't mind cooking for him again. I like cooking for men. Actually, for anyone. But I like that as one of my roles in a relationship. But more on that after it actually happens.

It was great to see JJ and Pillows. JJ's Mom said something interesting to me last night. I haven't seen her in years and when JJ told her I was now single, she grabbed me by both hands and said, "We just want you to find someone who deserves you. And I only met him once, but it was clear to me that was not the case." I appreciated the sentiment, but I was shaking my head on the inside. I don't remember actually where we all ran into each other, but I didn't realize that he had left such a strong impression. And then Bensimmon mentioned that a friend of a friend had mentioned to him that I wasn't invited to a friend's special day (I don't want to get more specific than that because I kind of don't want the friend to know I'm talking about them) because of the Ex. And I'm still shaking my head (on the outside because I"m alone) because I can't believe it. Not that I don't believe Bensimmon. But I can't believe that I didn't see that. It's almost like everyone else was seeing one relationship and I was seeing another.

Again, I guess I wasn't keeping as good a secret that things were wrong as I thought I was. I'm fascinated to see what my grade school friends thought of him when I see them later this week.

There are so many people who weren't allowed to be a part of my life because of this guy. I decided to pull away from a lot of people. And I was told that these people weren't good for me, including my parents. And either I was choosing to be totally blind to the fact that he was trying to separate me from people who were in my life, or he was really subtle. I'm still not sure which of the two it was. But he didn't like any of my friends. He always said he didn't like the way certain people treated me. And I thought he was being protective. That might be the case. But just because someone is a little rude or oblivious or particular every now and again, there are just things you accept about people because you love him. There was a lot of criticism - something he can't stand about his own family. But there it is in his own backyard.

I'm still processing all of this because I can't believe I didn't see it. And this new information about the friend whose special day I wasn't invited to. God, I hope that's not true. See, I still don't believe it. Isn't that nuts? It makes me really sad.

But at the same time, I'm excited because that means there's a lot more to my life that's about to come my way. The thing that was making me stuck was him. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.